Weekend Preview 17/11/2018

Pub Golf this weekend. See last year’s preview for lots of funny stuff about Pub Golf (courtesy of Jean Staunton-Sykes). I know it’s exciting but there are 18 points to pick up first so let’s have 100% focus on that from now on.

Squanderers

The Squandies are sitting pretty in fourth place after a string of good results and will look to crack on this weekend against a struggling Ely City side. Ely’s an interesting one. It is built on the tallest hill in the Fens (a dizzying 26 m above sea level), which once formed an island (hence “Isle of Ely”) before William of Orange came over and sorted us out with his Dutch drainage skills. “Ely” is thought to derive from “Eels”, a reference to the aquatic snakes once abundant in the surrounding marshlands. Nasty. Catch the boys in the early fixture at Wilby.

Women’s Blues

The Women’s Blues performed well in a narrow loss to Oxford on Wednesday. Despite the disappointing result it was an even contest and has provided a tantalising preview to the third of March. This weekend the girls are on the road to Ipswich. Although it’s a long trip Ippy are down in the bottom half of Division 1N and the Blues will benefit from a trip to the Stag  Café so we expect them to return with three points.

Bedouin

The Beds followed up their unprecedented 23-0 pumping of March Town with another three points last week. Believe it or not this week they play at team with fewer points than March Town: bottom of the table Haverhill Ladies. The top places in Division 3NW are within reach so let’s hope for no slip ups and another big three points for the girls.

Men’s Blues

The Men’s Blues won again on Wednesday and now, thanks to a bizarre set of results elswhere, sit 12 points clear of second place after six games in South Prem B. Three points against mid-table Ipswich last weekend was also reassuring, and this week they face local rivals Cambridge City in an away match to be played at Willy Wilberforce Road. Things are tight at the top of East Prem A so three points are essential as ever in the push for promotion.

Wanderers

The Wandies picked up a huge three points last weekend and also avoided embarrassment against the Infrequents in Oxford mid-week. After a welcoming Wednesday spirits will be high as they head into a home six pointer against nearby Broxbourne this weekend as they look to climb further above the relegation zone. They’re on at 12:00 and as ever all support is appreciated.

Nomads

The Nomads are on a tough run and it doesn’t get any easier this weekend against third place Norwich Dragons. The girls play in the prime slot at Wilby so get down to offer your support at 13:30.

Team Position Form Guide Opposition Time H/A
Women's Blues 2 WLDWW Ipswich 2 14:00 A
Men's Blues 4 WWLWW Cambridge City 2 12:00 A
Nomads 10 LLLLL Norwich Dragons 1 13:30 H
Wanderers 9 LDDLW Broxbourne 1 12:00 H
Bedouin 4 LWWWW Haverhill Ladies 1 15:00 A
Squanderers 4 WDWWD Ely City 1 10:30 H

Weekend Preview 10/11/2018

If I told you there were six CUHC games at Wilby this weekend you would be forgiven for saying “No Way, José!” but you would be wrong because in fact there are six games involving CUHC at the Wilberforce Road ground tomorrow. To honour this special occassion I took the time to speak to each of our teams’ coaches in turn for some extra insight into the games.

Wanderers

A big win for the Wanderers on Wednesday against the University of Bye saw them through to the second round of the BUCS Hockey 2018-19 Midlands Conference Cup. Things aren’t looking so rosy on a Saturday though with no Ws left in the form guide. Beleaguered head coach Kieran Gilmore told me earlier: “When I go to the press conference before the game, in my mind the game has already started.” They have a chance to turn things around tomorrow with a six pointer at the bottom of the table as the boys travel to Cambridge City.

Squanderers

The Squandies are on a roll and also have a six point fixture at Wilby this week. They face Cam City’s veterinarians as they look to join the big boys at the top of Division 3NW. Asked to comment on the Squandies’ prolific scoring form but leaky defense, coach Jim “numero 13” Dickinson remarked: “It’s like having a blanket but it’s too small for the bed. You pull the blanket up to keep your chest warm and your feet stick out. I cannot buy a bigger blanket because the supermarket is closed. But the blanket is made of cashmere.” While I carefully consumed a beverage with my left hand and obeyed all other ‘rules’, Ed Sides added: “I have nothing, nothing to say. Nothing, nothing to say. Nothing to say, I have nothing to say. Nothing to say, I am so sorry, I have nothing to say.”

Men’s Blues

The Men’s Blues had a good week with wins against Chelmsford and Reading University leaving them in the promotion spots on Saturdays and Wednesdays. Tomorrow’s fixture against an up and coming Ipsiwch side, who will presumably benefit from a trip to the Stag Café en route, provides an opportunity to continue climbing the table as first and second place meet elsewhere. Coach Charlie Bannister wasn’t holding back when asked to explain the boys’ impressive start to the season. He said: “We have top players and, sorry if I’m arrogant, we have a top manager. Please do not call me arrogant because what I say is true. I’m European champion. I’m not one out of the bottle, I think I’m a special one.”

Bedouin

The Beds beat March Town 23-0 last week. 2 3  –  0. Twenty-three to nil. 20+3 with no reply. That is a goal every 3.04347826087 minutes. Wow. Speaking after the game, coach Lucia Corry was humble in victory, stating: “I have a problem, which is I’m getting better at everything related to my job since I started.” Her colleague Alicia Murphy added: “The moral of the story is not to listen to those who tell you not to play the violin but stick to the tambourine.” Spalding 2 will surely provide a sterner test tomorrow, sitting just three points and two places below the girls.

Nomads

The Nomads have also had a tough run of it on a Saturday and will be desperate for points tomorrow. It won’t be easy as they have to travel to face a strong Cambridge City side. I sat down with coaches Matt Jervis and Ollie Duckers earlier and discussed issues surrounding selection for the club’s second team: “The style of how we play is very important. But it is omelettes and eggs. No eggs – no omelettes! It depends on the quality of the eggs. In the supermarket you have class one, two or class three eggs and some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem.”

Women’s Blues

The Women’s Blues overturned a momentary dip in form last week with a comfortable win over St Neots. A relieved coach Darrell Cassidy said of the team: “We are a little horse. A horse that still needs milk and to learn how to jump.” The girls face a struggling Ipswich – East Suffolk side tomorrow as they look to secure their position in the promotion spots of Division 1N. When asked if they had anything to fear from I-ES, Mr. Cassidy stuck with the ungulate theme: “You may as well put a cow in the middle of the pitch, walking. And then stop the game because there was a cow.”

Team Saturday Form Guide Oppo Time H/A
Women's Blues WWLDW Ipswich – East Suffolk 1 12:00 H
Men's Blues WWWLW Ipswich 1 13:30 H
Nomads WLLLL Cambridge City 3 12:00 A
Wanderers LLDDL Cambridge City 3 13:30 A
Bedouin LLWWW Spalding 2 10:30 H
Squanderers DWDWW Cambridge City Vets 10:30 A

Weekend Preview 27/10/2018

As ever there are big games across the board for our teams this week.

Bedouin

The Beds picked up an important three points at home against Horncastle last week, and will hope to bring back three more on Saturday in a bid to move out of Division 3NW’s mid-table. They have a good chance: their opponents Peterborough sit four places below them and are yet to pick up a win this season. It is a notorious away trip for CUHC teams though so they will have to perform well. Look out for the nearby factories of the Covent Garden Food Co. – I’m sorry to break it to you but yes, those soups are made in East Anglia and not at the Royal Opera House as you may have previously assumed.

Squanderers

The Squandies haven’t lost in four games now, a run which has seen them climb to fouth place in Division 3NW. They face mid-table St Ives in the early slot at Wilby this weekend. Three points will be crucial as they aim to keep in touch with, and start putting some pressure on, the top three.

Men’s Blues

The Men’s Blues travel to Harleston this week for a third vs. fourth place six-pointer (so to speak, of course in reality only three points are available to the winning side). The possibility of running into Richard Hesketh on a detour to the Stag Café brings added excitement… The boys remain high on confidence, staying clear on top of their BUCS league with a good win against Exeter on Wednesday and bouyed by huge but unfortunately secret night out that evening. Well done to Fresh Prince (in all senses) Will Silver for his victorious performance.

Women’s Blues

A disappointing defeat at home to top-of-the-table Dereham last week saw the Women’s Blues lose their unbeaten Saturday record. They make the trip to Wisbech this week looking to get back to winning ways. The forecast is a bit iffy but a day out on sands at Wisbech is always fun (e.g. digging big holes and burying freshmen – Just remember to dig them up before setting off home).

Wanderers

The Wandies tough start to the season has continued as they dropped points to Upminster and Harleston in recent weeks, and rumours have begun to circulate regarding the status of beleaguered head coach Kieran Gilmore. Picking up three points at home to bizarrely named Crostyx, who currently languish at the bottom of Division 1, is surely essential. They’re in the prime slot at Wilby so get down and support the boys if you can.

Nomads

The Nomads have had a couple of tricky weeks but have a chance to make progress in Division 1N on Saturday against Sudbury, who currently sit just two places above them. It’s another match at Wilby so why not make a day of it if you can.

Team Saturday Form Guide Oppo Time H/A
Women's Blues WWWWL Wisbech Town 1 13:45 A
Men's Blues WLWWW Harleston Magpies 1 13:30 A
Nomads WLWLL Sudbury 1 11:30 H
Wanderers LWLLD Crostyx 1 13:00 H
Bedouin LWLLW City of Peterborough 3 16:00 A
Squanderers LWDWD St Ives 2 10:00 H

CUHC’s Most Liked 2018 (#BDotY-eve Preview)

Fletch didn't change his profile picture this year.

Fletch didn’t change his profile picture this year. Shame!

It’s almost here (#imquiteexcited), it’s the day you’ve all been waiting for and there’s no doubt it’s going to be amazing. That’s right, it’s the day that the analysis of the profile picture likes is released.

Everyone will have seen by now the hype generated by the biggest coordinated media campaign in the University*. It’s been effective as well, with CUHC members accruing a considerable amount of the virtual social rep counters we call “Likes”, 9181 reacts in total. This is a little bit less than last year, but without the careful management of a webmaster (#OuEstJean), it was always going to be an uphill struggle.

The Good

Lol.

What makes a profile picture good? According to Social Scientist Baz, it’s a complex combination of having a good looking game face, having a witty caption and a good filter. We couldn’t be bothered to qualitatively assess each picture though, so instead we just rate them based on results. The first, and most obvious, metric is absolute number of reactions. This years winner was Harry Leng, but not without some controversy. In much the same way Trump’s victory in the US election had Russians involved, Harry’s victory in the profile reactions table was helped in part by 15 angry reacts (presumably from people he has never met and knows nothing about, but happen to be from Oxf*rd and on his friends list). Much like after the firing of Comey, the CUHC webmaster is absent (#AnyoneSeenJean) so there is not enough evidence to indict Harry. I’m not saying that Harry is narcissistic or an egomaniac, but there are some disturbing parallels.

Harry Leng

Congrats to all those who made the top 10, which was again dominated by the Nomads, but with some strong competition from the Wanderers.

  1. Harry Leng (251)
  2. Tristan Hipper (238)
  3. Georgie Jones (232)
  4. Seb Cheli (226)
  5. Ollie Rose (220)
  6. Sophie Wilson (210)
  7. Jess Czink (208)
  8. Harriet Potter (202)
  9. Annie O’Neill (200)
  10. Laura Sweeting, Beth Barker (199)

Owain Last Year, hasn’t he grown quickly

There were others in the club that made a good effort despite being severely disadvantaged. So we also rated everyone according to what percentage of their friends reacted to their profile picture. If Owain were to have as many friends as Seb Cheli, he’d have got 638 likes instead of his (still respectable) 108.

  1. Owain Houghton (34.95%)
  2. Rachel Stoner (28.99%)
  3. Vivi Way (27.60%)
  4. Lydia Michaelides (26.95%)
  5. Louis Totton (26.84%)

To get yourself on this list, consider a friend list cull. For instance Ethan Gardner has culled 229 friends over the last year.

Nomads won the team competition, despite many attempts to change the data so some other team could win (see Jervis’ attempt last week for instance). Nothing worked, so they get first place. Hopefully next year one of the other teams could put a little effort in and compete for the title.

Team Table

The Bad

No, I’m not going to call people out here for not getting many likes, that would just be harsh on Damian.

A Wandering Snake

A Wandering Snake

Instead I’m going to try and work out who the snake is in the club (and I don’t mean the Wanderers). Someone has gone through and unliked the entire Nomads team’s profile pictures. This is the worst act of social sabotage recorded in CUHC history.

The CUHC Media Team reacted immediately, launching an independent investigation headed up by Chief Inspector Baz. Matt Jervis, after his criticism of the Nomads in last weeks preview, was initially arrested on suspicion of the crime, but had several alibis (his name is on the like list for a number of the Nomads) so had to be released.

The investigation then compiled a list of everyone who has like a Nomads profile picture, and compared this to the list of members of CUHC. The results were shocking. 12 Squanderers, 5 Wanderers and 3 Beds haven’t liked a single Nomad profile picture. Why all the hate? I reached out to captain Beth Barker for comment, and she reckons she’s got the answer.

I was particularly disappointed to see Harry Leng’s name on the list, since 8 of the Nomads liked his profile to help him win, but he didn’t return the favour. (editors note: CUHC does not take any responsibility for damage done to Harry by the Nomads as a result of this information)

Whilst useful to know, this didn’t help track down the mysterious snake. If anyone has any information that could lead to the identification of the snake then please contact @General_Baz.

The Boring

This year, we are pleased to announce a 100% uptake from the Nomads and Beds. Unfortunately both the Wanderers and Squanderers had someone let the side down.

Deme possibly thought leaving his picture the same would be acceptable if he was in CUHC kit. He was wrong. It’s a pity really as the hair really suits him.

You're Worth It

You’re Worth It

Fletch likewise thought being in kit could get him off the hook. Wrong. So I took a look back through his profile pictures over the years, and the last 7 are in all in CUHC kit (if you include the one where he’s got the CUHC tie on). That’s still no reason not to make it 8 Peter. Two things are infinite: stash possibilities, and profile pictures containing stash.

 

* as measured by number of profile picture changes.

 

Hockey

Apparently there are some league games this weekend.

  • MBlues play Ipswich 1s at Wilby. They won’t have to worry about conserving energy for the following day, but they probably will be thinking about the largest boozing sesh of their year so might be a bit distracted. Still, I’m sure they’ll win as Ipswich are 12 points behind them at the moment.
  • Nomads? More like No-game amirite.
  • WBlues don’t have a game. This gives them the unique opportunity to have a 24 hour long pre before #BDotY, something no team has attempted before.
  • The Wandies also don’t have a game, but won’t be having a 24 hour pmb I hope.
  • No game for the Beds or Squandies – they opted to play the rearranged fixtures from early January next Sunday instead, in order to have the day to mentally prepare themselves for the tasks ahead.

Weekend Preview 18/02/17

Despite being a slip weekend, there’s still a lot of hockey going on in Cambridge tomorrow and Sunday. Make sure to check on the news from the week as well, with all the teams now having been announced for Varsity (9 days woop).

The Nomads have a busy weeked with two rearranged fixtures. On Saturday they have a league game against bottom of the league Bury St Edmunds, after the fixture was called off in early January.  They’ll be hoping for a win to keep their hopes of staying in 1N alive, a big challenge with 4 teams getting relegated. That game’s away at 2pm. In a different situation entirely, they are playing a Bucs game on Sunday against Coventry, where they need a win to keep their promotion hopes alive.

Womens blues are just doing fitness. #gainz

The mens side of the club have no league games, instead all 4 teams are playing in friendlies against each other, with the blues playing the Wanderers at 9am, and the Squandies playing the new Blundies team at 1:30pm.

It’s also a big cuppers weekend for collegiate hockey, fixtures can be found in the cuppers spreadsheet.

Weekend Preview 28/01/17

29 days left.

This week I’m going to start with the stats table, as that’s everyone’s favourite bit of the weekend previews:

Team Position in table Opposition Opposition position in table Venue PB Time League Form
Nomads 11 Dereham 1s 3 A 1200 DLLLLLLLWDDWL
Bedouin 12 Bourne Deeping 1s 11 H 1030 LLLDLLLDLDLLL
Women's Blues 5 Maidstone 1s 7 H 1330 WWLWLDLWLDWWW
Squanderers 4 Cam Nomads 1s 6 A 1230 WDWLWLDLWWLWWD
Wanderers 7 Wisbech Town 1s 12 H 1200 LWWDLLWLWLLDLW
Men's Blues 7 St Albans 1s 3 A 1500 LLLWLWLLDDLW

A few good games in there. Beds remain just 5 points from safety, and playing 11th place Bourne Deeping is a good chance to begin their meteoric rise up the table that we’re all expecting. Nomads have a tough fixture against 3rd place Dereham, but with strong recent form the eternally optimistic pundits at CUHC Media are predicting a light blue win. Squandies have a chance to prove they’re in 4th place for a reason (and not just because they’ve played an extra game compared to everyone around them) by smashing the Nomads and opening up the gap between us and the middle of the table. Wandies better not mess up against bottom of the table Wisbech, there’s not even the excuse of the dodgy pitch as they’re playing at home (Wisbech are on 7 points, all 7 have been in home fixtures).

Although just two places separate the WBlues and Maidstone, that’s actually a 10 point difference in a prem league that is split down the middle (though Maidstone also have a game in hand). The MBlues face the most daunting challenge of the teams playing tomorrow, against a strong looking St. Albans side. Table position doesn’t really reflect how close the blues have been in a lot of their fixtures though, so again the un-tamable optimism of the media gurus are thinking this one will go our way.

Looking at the weather forecast, tonight is looking very mild, so all games should be on.

Weekend Preview 20+1/01/17

And what a weekend it looks like! I’m as excited as Pete Fletcher in a lift, and you should be too.

Failure to write a match report is criminal activity.

Failure to write a match report is criminal activity.

With Cam City hoping to strengthen the Wilberfortress, you might be inclined to think them our allies. Not so! The Beds and Nomads won’t be forgiving as they grind Cam City 3s and 2s respectively into the sand. We do, however, fully support the efforts to get more pitches at Wilby, so another reminder that there’s a public exhibition of the plans on Tuesday. Unfortunately there aren’t multiple pitches there yet, so the beds are instead playing away at the Perse Girls School, 1230 pb, whilst the Nomads get the home game at midday. The Beds have come a long way since their previous fixture against City, where the beds had a goalie and subs for the first time. Czink didn’t write a match report the last time the Nomads played top of the league City, but they lost 4-1. Please write match reports DoDs, or mug shots will appear of you on the website. The Nomads also didn’t play last weekend, so the only game I have to go off is their loss against the Blues in the week when they (perhaps predictably) lost, but showed a lot of class that hopefully will translate into a win on Saturday.

Also playing a local Cambridge team, the Squandies face Cam South 1s, the team who got promoted with them last year. The previous meeting resulted in a 2-0 win to the squandies, though the with Zhao in goal getting MoM and the match report not sounding quite as reässuring as the scoreline the squandies won’t be going into this complacent. Nevertheless, with a good win last week and the team looking strong, there’s no reason why Joe’s team can’t be setting their sights on keeping themselves in the top 4 (currently 4th place, but with two teams below having a game in hand). 1030 at Wilby for that game.

Elsewhere in the East Leagues, the Womens Blues are playing Wapping 1s and the Wandies play Old Southendian 1s. The previous meeting between the Blues and Wapping was a thrilling fixture, with the teams at nil all plus 4 with an even split at 60 minutes. Unfortunately the final result didn’t go our way, but with the blues on good form, unbeaten after 3 games this year (including the Nomads admittedly), the Wapping team are going to be in for a rough ride. 1230 at Wapping to see that. The Wandies meanwhile smashed Old Southendian last time, 5-2 the final score. With Old South on just 9 points so far this year, its a fixture the Wandies should be winning. 1330 away.

The Internet knows.

The Internet knows.

Finally, the Mens Blues play Saffron Walden 1s at home, a team just 2 points below them in prem A. Another fixture CUHC needs to start dominating in the run up to varsity, as the teams start to gel and play the fluid hockey we know we can. 1330 at the Wilberfortress to see them in action and cheer them on. The blues have had a tough season, narrowly missing out on results in the some very tense games, the hockey has been top notch though, so the results will surely follow.

Sunday and the club plays against people who used to be here, and in most cases wished they still were. To give them half a chance of competing, I expect to see everyone in Spoons Saturday evening. Many alumni believe the club can never return to the glory days of when they were playing, which is somewhere between 1990 and 2016. They are, of course, wrong. The club is stronger than ever and we’ll prove it on Sunday. You may hear phrases come out such as “Back in my day…” or “Remember X?”, just ignore them. Chat, much like hockey ability, needs to remain fresh – it doesn’t age well like cheese, wine or CUHC.

Team Position in table Opposition Opposition position in table Venue PB Time League Form
Nomads 11 Cam City 2s 1 H 1200 DLLLLLLLWDDW
Bedouin 12 Cam City 3s 6 A 1230 LLLDLLLDLDLLL
Squanderers 4 Cam South 1s 8 H 1030 WDWLWLDLWWLWW
Women's Blues 5 Wapping 1s 2 A 1230 WWLWLDLWLDWWW
Wanderers 9 Old Southendian 1s 11 A 1330 LWWDLLWLWLLDL
Men's Blues 8 Saffron Walden 1s 11 H 1330 LLLWLWLLDDL

The CUHC Christmas Wishlist

Twas the last Saturday league games before Christmas, and all round Wilby the preparations were beginning to win 5 games. But in addition to the endless thoughts on new short corner routines and possible college players to bring in to bolster the sides, some were thinking ahead to Christmas knowing that not everything is available on Amazon Prime for next day delivery on the 23rd. Here is what CUHC is wishing for this year.

Squanderers to Stop Hating Goals

With Monty and Cockers tirelessly drilling the Squandies in their deflections and goal scoring, it’s perhaps surprising that in the last 6 games they’ve scored just 7 goals. Whilst it’s been enough to get them 7 points from those 6 games, last week’s 2-1 defeat against Sudbury shows that 1 goal a game probably isn’t enough. This week they play Norwich City 3s 10:30am at home, a side sitting 3rd from bottom, so hopefully it’ll be a chance to improve those stats.

Beds to Start Winning

Whilst playing flair hockey is always an admirable thing, winning is what the leagues will rank you on. With just the one win this term so far, you’d be forgiven for thinking the outlook is bleak for the Beds, but that’s not the case just yet. Whilst promotion is probably setting the sights a little high, the bottom of the table is tight and the Beds remain just 4 points behind Bourne Deeping, just outside the relegation zone. Two wins is enough to get them back to safety, and with any luck that could start this weekend against the Cambridge Nomads, currently 4th from bottom. Push back is 11am, at the Nomads’ astro.

Wanderers to Stop Being Snakes

The Ws don’t have a game this weekend, and the title is pretty self explanatory, so no need to write any more.

Nomads to Keep the Streak

3 games unbeaten now, that’s a good sign of a team on their way back up the league table. In fact the only game they’ve got points in apart from the last three was the first game of the season against Colchester, who they play again this weekend in the midday Wilby fixture. With the team still 3 points from safety, the streak is an important confidence boost, and proof going into next term that the season is about to be turned around by the self proclaimed “loosest team in CUHC”.

Mens Blues – Some Composure

Another classic case of the university team playing some exceptional hockey before getting distracted/angry/forgetful. It’s the same story being told across the club but it’s been turning wins into draws, and draws into losses this year. They were able to keep their noses in front last weekend against Ipswich, though the end of the game was described as “frenetic” by Botters’ match report. Hopefully it will be a little more controlled this weekend against Letchworth 1s, push back is Wilby 13:30. Letchworth are solidly mid table, 4 points ahead of the boys in light blue, and beat us 2-0 in the first game of the season. A term of training and playing together has left the blues a much better team than the one starting the season, so we’re hoping for 3 points.

Womens Blues – Biscuit Bevan Bingo

No? I don’t get it either. So I’ll talk about this weekend instead. The blues play Norwich City 1s, currently sitting rock bottom in Prem A. At the start of the season, the blues won 3-1, and again should have improved after a term of team bonding. Currently the best team in CUHC (beating the Squanderers on goal difference 🙁 ), its time for the blues to push higher towards the top of the league. They’re just 6 points behind second place, so a podium finish is still on the cards (though with only one team promoted and Bedford 7 points clear at the top, promotion is optimistic).

The CUHC Media Team – Some More Chat

Unlike most of the other teams in CUHC, the Media Team got off to a strong start, but has struggled the last few weeks. With no match report at all last week, which we can only apologise for, and a somewhat dull preview this week, it is clear the stream of chat has gone dry. Have no fear though, as a rigorous chat training regime has been put in place for the holidays, with extra changes planned for the site and media accounts. We’ll be back next term, with chat fresher than Kirky and as fun as the nomads.

Team Position in table Opposition Opposition position in table Venue PB Time League Form
Squanderers 6 Norwich City 3s 9 H 1030 WDWLWLDLWWL
Women's Blues 6 Norwich City 1s 12 A 1300 WWLWLDLWLDW
Men's Blues 8 Letchworth 1s 6 H 1330 LLLWLWLLD
Nomads 11 Colchester 1s 6 H 1200 DLLLLLLLWDD
Bedouin 12 Cambridge Nomads 1s 9 A 1100 LLLDLLLDLD

Mo Progress Report (Weekend Preview 19/11/2016)

This week, the CUHC media team interviews the mo growers of our glorious club, to see how their Movembers are progressing. However, their names have been withheld, and there is the offer of a 1p rebate to the first person who can identify all the members pictured below.

To take part in the competition, comment the names of players pictured below on the Facebook post.

That Mo-nday Mo-rning Look

Pri-mo-donna

Anonymous Blue 1

Pencil Mos are a good look, though I don’t normally see them taken literally. Unfortunately I’m one of those people who just can’t grow a single hair on my upper lip, but I still want to show my support for CUHCs chosen charities: Cancer Research UK and The Tom Wilson Memorial Fund. CRUK does such great work tacking cancer, and after the shock of Tom Wilson’s death a year ago it’s great to see the hockey community coming together to support Old Loughts in their fundraising efforts.

I’m keen to see this mo first hand, where will I be able to find it? Well I’ll be at Wilby on Saturday from 13:30, as we’re playing Wisbech Town 1s, so you’ll be able to see it in action then. Should also see plenty of goals, Wisbech are struggling in the league at the moment with just 2 wins so far, and the team is playing some really nice hockey at the moment.

CUHC don't do lip warming stash, but if they did they'd look a bit like this.

CUHC don’t do lip warming stash, but if they did they’d look a bit like this.

Anonymous Blue 2

That’s really bushy. Don’t you find your upper lip getting too hot sometimes? Occasionally yes. But I’m saving a lot of money by not having to heat my room as much as I would have to otherwise. They say we should be saving energy by putting on a sweater, but it in reality if you want to save energy you’ve got to grow a mo.

What about the sweat when you play hockey? The Mo helps a lot. Same as the hair on the top of your head, it stops the sweat from dripping and becoming a distraction. It’s a complete game changer, if you were to travel to Dereham to watch me play their 1st team at 13:30 on Saturday, you’d be able to tell that 2 weeks of mo growth has made me not only a better person, but also a better hockey player.

With progress so far, this could be looking like Dali's by the end of the month.

With progress so far, this could be looking like Dali’s by the end of the month.

Anonymous Bedouin 1

I can’t help but notice you are from the half of the club that normally struggles to grow a Mo. True, but CUHC has always been the most progressive of the university sports, and why shouldn’t I wear a stylish pencil moustache?

The Beds have had a rough start to the season, how is team moral? It’s very good actually, we know that the winning streak is just around the corner and it’s never easy for a completely new team to play the fluid hockey we’d like to in the first couple of mo-nths. Tomorrows game against Wisbech Town 2s could be the win we need to turn the season around. Playing at home at 10:30 has helped in the past, with the coaches able to give us great advice from the pitch side (“Play hockey” – A. Mayes 2016).

Moustaches: Cool and practical

Moustaches: Cool and practical

Anonymous Squanderer 1

Good morning <name redacted>, your Mo is certainly looking impressive, when did you shave? It was Monday morning, around 7am before heading off to work for the day . Since then it’s been growing strong. I cheated slightly by growing out the beard as well for the first week, but it’s now pure Mo.

How are you feeling about your game on Saturday, away against I-ES 2s? Well, the early morning drive for the 11am push back is not ideal, but the Squanderers are going from strength to strength at the moment. The season is almost biblical, complete with bi-weekly exodus to far off places like Ipswich, plenty of disasters and the occasional miracle. The Squanderers themselves hopefully will show a similarity to Samson, who’s strength was proportional to the length of his facial hair.

More like Mo-mads

More like Mo-mads

Anonymous Nomad 1

Most people have gone for a traditional mo style, what was the inspiration behind yours? With it’s positioning on the face, a mo can really change how people see your facial features and so styling is incredibly important. The inverted wings of my mo serve a lot of good purposes, for example they transform my RBF completely for example from a sad puppy face to a good sassy/angry face.

So a mo can change your looks, but can it affect your hockey? That’s a difficult question. Having only just grown this as my first mo I haven’t really tried it in a game properly yet. Initial evidence shows that pre-mo Nomads won zero games, but turned it around after just 1 week of growth. Extrapolating from that I’d expect our game tomorrow away at midday against Lindum 1s should result in the Nomads winning by 2 goals.

Mo-stly hairless

Mo-stly hairless

Anonymous Wanderer 1

There seems to be very little on your upper lip, what’s going on? Well, I’ve been trying really really hard, but it’s just not working for me. I’ve read up online about mo growth techniques, and tried everything from meditation to medication. I’ve stopped doing my daily abs regime, and started instead doing a set of upper lip muscle exercises in the hope that might push out some hairs, but alas it seems I am destined to remain bare.

But how are you going to spread awareness of some of the issues Movember tackles? This is a problem. Movember does so much good work bringing attention to important cancer and mental health problems that society needs to know about. Did you know that suicide is the primary killer of under 35 year old men?

Doesn't matter if it's mo-nday morning - still looks perfect.

Doesn’t matter if it’s mo-nday morning – still looks perfect.

Anonymous Nomad 2

Your mo looks so perfect, how do you style it? The trick here is really pay attention to it every day. Pluck the stray hairs first to keep it looking tidy, the make sure to shampoo it daily. I also own a set of mo hair brushes just to really keep it looking sharp.

Do you have anything to say to the people out there who aren’t taking the time and effort to grow a mo? Absolutely. It might seem like quite a lot of effort, in many cases to gain little else other than a wispy upper lip, but if you put the hours in you could end up with something really trendy.

Live for the mo-ment.

Live for the mo-ment.

Anonymous Wanderer 2

I’ve just spoken to one of your team mates, who is completely hair free on his upper lip. You don’t seem to be struggling with the same issue, what’s the trick? Some people are born more fortunate than others in the mo growing department. I’m always thankful that when the weather turns cold and my upper lip needs some insulation, I’ve got the ability to grow a mo.

What are your plans for the weekend? Well there’s a big game on Saturday against Blueharts 1s. They’ve had a similar start to the season to the Wanderers and so it’s going to be close. That games midday at Wilby, so I’ve got the morning to tend to the mo, maybe style it into something that will intimidate the opposition goalkeeper.

Mo growth? Nah.

Mo growth? Nah.

Anonymous Squanderer 2

So when did you shave? I haven’t shaved since February 2016. I thought the head start could aid my Movember efforts but instead people just ask why I’m not taking part when the rest of the team all is.

Do people not pity your inability to grow? Nope, I get no sympathy at all. The rest of the team are too preoccupied comparing their own mos and talking about the latest trends in high tech mo care to spend any time talking to me.

 

 

 

For a keeper, the mo mo-llifies the effect of an attacker sporting a mo.

For a keeper, the mo mo-llifies the effect of an attackers mo.

Anonymous Goalkeeper

A Wanderers player just told me his Mo can be used to intimidate goalkeepers, is that true? Unfortunately yes, which is why I’ve had to grow mine as well to counter it. It’s especially apparent in high pressure situations such as penalty flicks, where instead of concentrating on the players eyes and trying to guess where they are aiming, I find myself admiring their most prominent facial feature: the mo.

But surely it won’t be as visible below the helmet? True, and if I was allowed to I’d not wear the helmet and rely purely on the protection I get from my mo. I find that the curled edges give it that extra visibility that it needs though.

It does look a little suspect.

It does look a little suspect.

Anonymous Fresher

As a youngster, is it not harder for you to develop facial hair? Of course. Mos are the ultimate sign of sophistication and experience, so it would be silly if kids could grow them. I’ve had to work hard for this, but hopefully it will pay off and people will finally recognise me as a responsible adult. I’ve been labelled as a “Silly Fresher” which is really mean.

Some would say that your mo is fake… Well of course they would. They can’t accept that I’m a grown man now. Just you wait and see, my light blue mo will make them realise. I’ll show them who the silly people really are.

 

Even the mo looks like a coiled snake.

Even the mo looks like a coiled snake.

Anonymous Snake

So why do you HHL so much that you felt the need to go play for our rivals? I thought we were here to talk about my stunning facial hair? I wasn’t expecting a grilling based on my poor life decisions. I’m sorry, okay, I thought that maybe less time spent training would give me more time to enjoy the last few years of uni I have left, but I it turns out that all the enjoyment of my university career was with CUHC and now I’ve lost that.

And you’ve got the nerve to stay as part of the social group and come to Christmas dinner? You can’t keep me away from Christmas dinner, it’s the best event of Michaelmas and I’ll be there even if I have to break into Wilby.

 

Team Position in table Opposition Opposition position in table Venue PB Time League Form
Men's Blues 9 Dereham 1s 10 A 1330 LLLWLWLLD
Women's Blues 6 Wisbech Town 1s 11 H 1330 WWLWLDLWL
Wanderers 5 Blueharts 1s 6 H 1200 LWWDLLWLL
Nomads 11 Lindum 1s 8 A 1200 DLLLLLLLW
Squanderers 6 I-ES 2s 8 A 1100 WDWLWLDLW
Bedouin 12 Wisbech Town 2s 10 H 1030 LLLDLLLDL