Fantasy League Preview – 20+1/09/19

The Wilberfortress is back in the action

With the arrival of League fixtures this weekend, CUHC is getting up to top speed to hopefully win maximum points for the Fantasy hockey teams.

However, first, it is great regret I must issue my first retraction. Whilst I personally thought the fresher’s dictionary was average-to-good, my lid ratings caused tremendous outrage within the ranks of the Men’s blues. After very little debate and much peer-pressure from a puzzled-by-a-kettle 1 out of 10, it was decided to drastically slash Phil ‘the Power’ Taylor’s rating in half. All other ratings remain the same, including those that received N out of A.

With the start of Fantasy Hockey this week, I thought it would be best to provide my top picks. This comes with the unfortunate risk of talking about a great deal of hockey, but I’ll do my best to minimise this.

The Forwards

Residents of our forward lines are pure goalscorers and love to get on their nose. Their opponents might as well be trousers given they regularly rinse and press them. There have been quite a few names banded around, but these are my top 3:

Seb Shaw (MBs) bagged himself a handy number last season. Whilst there is significant video evidence that ‘Sebastian’ loves a chop, the number of goals he should be scoring this season will more than likely cancel out any cards. This also depends on whether he stops worrying about his silly thumb. He’s also coaching the Squandies, so watching them play will add an extra 10% to his game.

Izzy Austin (WBs) managed to persuade me on Saturday that she was the great^n granddaughter of Lord Kelvin, where n is some undetermined integer. In short, they’re somehow related. At this point, I decided to play it 4.2 K, but being the nerd that I am, my internal energy went through the roof. She’s also known to score numerous goals, so in my opinion, she could provide some serious heat upfront for the Wblues, putting her opponents’ defence into a high entropy state.

Joe Chandler (Ws) plays golf. With a nice big swing resulting in very little ping, he’s known to put a bigger than he’s used to ball in an even bigger hole. He’s not quite reached his 12th hole at Amen Corner, so I’d be picking him … for now until he goes replicate Jordan Spieth.

The Midfielders

The general consensus is that you need midfielders who can get ahead. With few other point-scoring opportunities, poor mans strikers are the way to go.

Harry Leng (Ws/MBs) knows where the goal is. He tells me it’s found halfway along each baseline. His youth was plagued by a robotic aiming system, aimbot, but after being suitably reprimanded, he’s learned how to shoot the proper way. He subsequently led the scoring charts in the Wandies last season alongside Joe Chandler.

Amy Edwards (WBs), our Women’s Blues Captain, managed to score twice last weekend. It appears she’s managed to pull herself back into form pretty quickly, and so I reckon she’ll bag a few points this coming weekend. A serious short corner threat and possesses a pretty handy wobble.

Sarah Alsaad (??) was frankly too good for the Beds. Period. Having scored nine in a game last season, who knows what she’ll do this season. She’s also off to a scoring start, with a hat-trick of variable quality, so I’m confident she’ll be bagging the points.

Footage of Sarah’s latest hat-trick

The Defenders

Defenders try to stop goals. Whilst this is entirely true, defenders who score goals and don’t chop could be quite invaluable.

Patrick Leong-Son (Ws/Sqs) loves to use his wheel’s up and down the sideline. Whilst they aren’t particularly quick, he also runs a decent R/O2. Other than this, he’s pretty vanilla, so I’ll move on.

To many, Jess Czink (Ns/WBs) could be a rogue choice. A tactical green card from the Umpire in the friendly last week for a ‘cynical’ chop might have secured her a place in the Nomads. Hence, she can now take a big hit from the top of the D at shorty time and score lots of points.

Ollie Rose (Ws), this year’s Wandies captain, also gets himself up their for short corner routines. His engineering prowess and fast geometry mean he’s renowned for getting the angle of the dangle bang on, so he can either ramp it over the cross-bar, or just continue defending.

The Keepers

This is a tough one. With three teams getting promoted last season, it is likely a few more balls may end up in the goal. This is a grave concern for our opponents, but we should not get too confident, we may also concede.

On the Men’s side, I think you’re pretty safe picking Toby or Will. On the Ladies side, with the same keeper’s as last season, I’m not quite sure who to pick. Apologies for the indecision, but this one is up to you.

Don’t back brooksy, back the beds.

Anon. gas-guzzling ex-webmaster


Freshers are always an unknown quantity. Despite having kept my eyes to the ground and ears open, not even I’ve been committed enough to do the level of recon required to make an informed decision. Instead, I decided to make an informed decision about the true random number generator that I’m going to use to select some freshers. After much research about the flaws of Pseudo-random number generators, I picked one based on atmospheric noise.

However, having got myself down to Wilby over the last couple of days, to “cheer on CUHC for the greater good”, I have been able to pick out a few players. First of all there’s a new high-tech gun weapon in town, Martha. After a week’s long whole group discussion, we managed to work out at training that she’s a forward. It looks like she’s got all the skills, but can she get us the goals to pay the bills?

Another pick could be Ella. Whilst CUHC grieved the loss of Hatty darling Darling, the Lord gave us a perfect, if not a better, replacement. With a huge slap in her locker, she’s bound to get a hordern of assists this season. Sadly, we’re not counting them, but there’s a decent chance she’ll get a few goals, and it doesn’t look like she knows how to get rinsed.

It’s fair to say, from the 1 minute 34 seconds that I’ve spoken to the ladies fresher’s, they seem quite nice and so it would be unfair to single them out as the only freshers mentioned. Hence, I’d like to mention Marcus. He seems quite handy at hockey, and his chat has fallen off a cliff since his arrival at the Wilberservice. It looks like he’s going to fit in just fine, and could be a solid pick in your midfield.

The expert picks from Paddy LS Power and LadBrooks

Speaking to our resident tipsters, LadBrooks and Paddy LS Power, I managed to gain even more insider advice about the do’s and do not’s for this year’s season:

  • Toby Fairhurst (GK): Never conceded a goal in a CUHC league fixture and isn’t planning on starting now. An easy 8 points from the clean sheet for opening weekend.
  • Georgie Jones (Fwd): A year away from a CUHC spent “focusing on her degree” paid dividends in the world of academia but has left her with an unquenchable thirst for goals. We’re predicting a hatty this weekend at the very least.
  • James Burman (Def): Last season, the squandies scored 10 against opening week opposition Leadenham without reply, and Major Damo’s South African reincarnation will be looking to start his CUHCareer with another clean sheet. Unlike Major Damo however, James is more likely to leave Cambridge with an MBA rather than an MBE.

Actual Hockey Matches

This week sees four whole matches at the Wilby. Hence, if you’re playing, then get yourself down early, stay after and make a day of it. They’ll be plenty of people knocking around and it’s a great way to catch up and get to know people before Saturday’s grand social.

The Squandies find themselves traveling to RAF Cranwell. Tom and his well-regimented team wilby hoping to get off to a flying start, with a real chance of promotion on their hands.

The WBlues are our other team venturing afar for this weekend. They travel to Harleston Magpies. The Magpies’ spongey waterbase will allow the Wblues to play some seriously flare hockey, and our change to blue socks will help avoid some of the significant confusion that has plagued recent fixtures.

As always, the fixtures table can be found below:

BedouinCam City 4th XIH11:00
Men’s BluesWest Herts 1st XIH13:30
NomadsSt Neot’s 1st XIH15:00
WanderersBlueharts 1st XIH12:30
Women’s BluesHarleston Magpies 2nd XIA13:30
SquanderersLeadenham 1st XIA12:00

Over and out,


P.s. CUHC fantasy hockey is open to both current players and Alumni. It’s free to play and if you’d like to enter please send your name, team name and team to . Rules and players can be found here.

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