Squanderers’ Archive

2017/18
2017/18 Results
Date Match type Opposition Venue PB Time Score
23/09/2017 League Horncastle 1 H 11:00 D 2-2
30/09/2017 League Norwich Dragons 1 A 13:15 L 3-0
07/10/2017 League Pelicans 1 H 10:30 L 1-3
14/10/2017 League St Ives 1 A 14:00 L 2-1
21/10/2017 League University of East Anglia 1 H 11:00 L 0-2
28/10/2017 League Harleston Magpies 2 A 15:30 L 5-3
04/11/2017 League Dereham 2 H 10:30 W 3-2
11/11/2017 League Norwich City 3 A 14:30 D 1-1
18/11/2017 League City of Peterborough 3 H 10:30 L 2-3
25/11/2017 League Harleston Magpies 3 H 10:30 D 3-3
02/12/2017 League Bury St Edmunds 1 A 12:00 D 3-3
09/12/2017 League Horncastle 1 A 13:00 P-P
06/01/2018 League Norwich Dragons 1 H 11:00 P-P
13/01/2018 League Pelicans 1 A 13:00 W 1-2
14/01/2018 League Horncastle 1 A 13:00 D 1-1
20/01/2018 League St Ives 1 H 10:30 L 0-5
27/01/2018 League University of East Anglia 1 A 14:30 D 1-1
03/02/2018 League Harleston Magpies 2 H 10:30 L 1-2
10/02/2018 League Dereham 2 A 12:00 L 6-1
24/02/2018 League Norwich City 2 H 10:30 -
25/02/3018 League Norwich Dragons 1 H TBC -
03/03/2018 League City of Peterborough 3 A 12:00 -
10/03/2018 League Harleston Magpies 3 A 15:30 -
17/03/2018 League Bury St Edmunds 1 H 10:30 -
2017/18 Match reports
27/01/18 UEA 1 1-1 Squanderers | MoM TBC

MoM:

DoD:

20/01/18 Squanderers 0-5 St Ives | MoM TBC

MoM:

DoD:

14/01/18 Horncastle 1 1-1 Squanderers | MoM TBC

MoM:

DoD:

13/01/18 Pelicans 1 2-1 Squanderers | MoM TBC

MoM:

DoD:

02/12/17 Bury St Edmunds 1 3-3 Squanderers | MoM Dan Linders

This will learn me not to wait 5 weeks before writing the match report – I’m not entirely confident of the details. In my defence, the DoD award was under review (in my eyes anyway). But historical record is important; even if Andy should be writing this, better that it’s done than not at all (yes, Andy, that is a slight on you…).

What can I remember? I was late – not to the original meet-time, but to the game. For this, I blame Google, and my wife. Google is a straight forward accusation. Bury St Edmunds HC is not where it says it is on Google Maps. Not even remotely close. 33 miles out, to be precise. How can that be my fault? The error was compounded by a lack of diesel, for which I blame my wife. The rule is, if you’re driving and the light comes on, you are responsible for filling it up. It’s a fair enough rule. Imagine my surprise when, getting in the car in the morning, the red light is already on. But that would be fine – I would fill up en route. Except the 3 garages we passed were shut (sounds like a soap, but that part actually is true!). Which itself would also not have been a problem if Bury St Edmunds HC would be (a) where it say it is on Google, and (b) remotely urban (turns out it was neither – who would have thought?). The net result, my car and the 4 occupants, featuring the slowest person to get ready for the game – Will – who also happens to be a goalkeeper (doubly unfortunate…) – arrive with 10 mins to spare. How could I not be DoD, you may ask? Read on…

As to the game, it was the season to date in a microcosm – a story of what could/should have been. First, though, the unusual. WE SCORED. LOTS. Well, 3, but in the context of past performances, LOTS. And good goals, too. If memory serves, early pressure saw the Squanderers dominate. Again, rather unusually, converting the pressure by opening the scoring: of all things, a penalty flick – calmly dispatched (for his first of the season?) by David Gibson. Followed shortly after by a second: Owain Haughton scoring at the end of a sweeping front to back, left to right to mid passing sequence and a neat finish – 2-0, and all was well. Bury clawed one back – they always looked dangerous on the break – but the Squanderers always looked like they had something reserve. The ‘something’ turned out to be the first card of the game to Andy Halliwell – a rather crude collision – even the most one-eyed CUHC supporter couldn’t argue against a green card.

This is where memory gets distinctly hazy. Did they equalise before half-time? They certainly went 3-2 up after the break – a flick, I think – unusual to have two in a game. And we went a player down – an adjudged chop resulting in a yellow this time for Andy. Saviour came in the form of the opposition, who were reduced to 9 players in quick succession. Was it during this period we scored? – Dan Lindars bringing us back on equal terms. The remainder of the game was characterised by Squanderers pressure on the Bury goal, and the odd dangerous counter-attack. There was no way past the Bury defence – 3-3 it remained – in the context of the whole match, two points lost rather than one gained.

Special mention to Messrs Stylianou and Stebbing making a welcome return to Squanderers hockey, bolstering a depleted squad. And MoM was Dan Lindars for a strong contribution in the midfield throughout.

What of the half-term report? Squandering indeed – 4 draws that should have been more this term – more clinical execution in front of goal, and stop allowing the opposition back in the game with ‘soft’ goals on the break should see the team to safety. Which is frustrating – the squad ought to be capable of challenging for promotion. Too late for this season, maybe, but some real strength in depth amongst the freshers. Promotion in time for 19/20 starts here…

MoM: Dan Lindars

DoD: Damo Flanagan

25/11/17 Squanderers 3-3 Harleston Magpies 3 | MoM TBC

MoM:

DoD:

18/11/17 Squanderers 2-3 City of Peterborough 3 | MoM Patrick Leong-Son

Another morning, another meal. As a Saturday this means only two things, fry up and hockey. Alas time and speed was of the essence so compromises had to be made. 4 eggs were beaten in a bowl with milk, salt and pepper until blended. Butter was heated in a nonstick skillet over medium heat until hot, at which point the eggs were poured in. As the eggs began to set they were gently pulled across the pan with an inverted turner, forming large soft curds. This process was repeated until thickened and no visible liquid egg remained. They were then removed from heat and served. Nutritious and delicious. Leaving the flat in a calm manner the journey to Wilby began, thoughts of Damo’s tortoise and how it’s avoided capture all these weeks running through my mind. Thoughts were dashed as I stumbled across the local Tesco’s. Here I made the decision to treat the lads to a half time snack, alas this was to be my undoing. Wine gums were considered but still not believing Owain has turned 18 they were discarded, good examples should be set at all times. Sadly I had not realised that all this deliberation had caused time to pass at an accelerated rate. Like any responsible adult the team was messsaged detailing the predicament I now found myself in, I would be late. So I ask you ladies and gentleman does this act of kindness deserve a punishement?

According to the good people of the Squanderers, yes, yes it does.

To the game, in classic Squandies fashion we started strong and dominated possession throughout. Some unfortunate breakaways saw the opposition lead the first half 2:1. Notable mentions from this half, Patrick in defence for his outstanding tackles and marking, A quote from Seb “I can’t wait to run” – classic and my shin pad for almost assaulting the opposition.

Second half, Squanderers again dominated possession but despite the abundance of chances none could seem to cross the line until the dying minuets. Some excellent play lead to Owain passing the ball into the goal. Due an opposition penalty flick the score at the close was a 3-2 loss. Honourable mentions from this half go to the umpires. One in particular. Patrick again for some excellent picks at the back, and Will in goal for some top class saves. Everyone put a shift in during the game and we were very unfortunate not to leave today with a win. As a team we’ve improved drastically, this is only a slight knock, we will be back fighting hard next week as the Squanderers do.

MoM: Patrick Leong-Son.

DoD: Andy Halliwell

11/11/2017 Squanderers 1-1 Norwich City 3| MoM TBC
04/10/2017 Squanderers 3-2 Dereham 2 | MoM TBC
28/10/2017 Harleston Magpies 2 5-3 Squanderers | MoM TBC
21/10/2017 Squanderers 0-2 University of East Anglia 1 | MoM TBC
14/10/2017 St Ives 1 2-1 Squanderers | MoM Pete Fletcher

As I was going to St Ives, I met a bus driver who didn’t know the route the Stagecoach was meant to take. Well, not ‘I’, technically – everyone else needs to buy a car. But I will return to that in a moment. The more relevant lesson is the importance of following a plan, but being sufficiently flexible to adjust to the circumstances.

You’ll have heard it all before, possibly many times over. The most notable for me were the words ‘I’m not sure how to explain it, but I’m pregnant’ – this was no 3 – you’d think we’d know better. Still, roll with the punches… By way of another example, Mr Bird will testify that his ‘laudable’ and ‘well-intentioned’ plans to look after the Catz Freshers this year has not exactly gone to plan. Still, plan B… – although it might be plan G by now. Flexibility. So when there are no Zipcars because they’ve all been booked, our redoubtable skipper comes up with another plan – Stagecoach. Queue multiple messages to coordinate the team – who would have thought that meeting anywhere other than Wilby could be so challenging? But by message number 732 the team was corralled and collected. What could possibly go wrong?

Well, a lot, as it turns out. When the driver gets influenced by an elderly passenger to take a route other than the one advertised by Stagecoach, our esteemed leader went into bat. An aspiring lawyer, this would all be satisfactorily resolved – surely? If by satisfied you mean a 3-mile hike to the pitch then yes. Editorial exaggeration notwithstanding, how did I end up as DoD?

On to the (curiously uncontained) pitch, the Squanderers had the opportunity to stick to the plan and get the first W of the season. Mention must be made of Messrs Leong-Son, Carr, Macdonald, Williams and Cheli earning their Squandie spurs – commendable performances by all. And Mr Houghton for finishing with admirable aplomb after we’d weathered the early storm – although the collective eschewment of subsequent chances because they were ‘too easy’ ultimately proved costly.

Back to plans and flexibility – you can’t select the umpires. And we don’t appear to be having much luck with one in particular. In this case, we could maybe have adjusted by not attempting any tackles in the 23… it might have avoided the multiple sequential defensive short corners. But we didn’t adjust. And we didn’t win. So we’re still on the hunt for our first triumph on the pitch. But on the plus side, the bus did stop where and when it was meant to for the team’s return. Apparently. I had already driven home. Obviously.

On a separate note, for those interested, there have been no sightings of Mannie the marauding hermanated tortoise. Winter is coming…

And for Mr Bird – yes, there is a limit to how flexible you should be.

MoM: Pete Fletcher

DoD: Damo Flanagan

07/10/2017 Squanderers 1-3 Pelicans 1 | MoM TBC

MoM:

DoD:

30/09/2017 Norwich Dragons 1 3-0 Squanderers | MoM Lewis Collins
It’s late Friday night, Ciaran is realising that his chat up lines are yet again going no where and he’s having to re-evaluate his hopes of finding love. He decides his best bet is to hope for someone in desperation at the end of the evening. He takes a break to try this ‘Guardies’, that he and the other Freshers have heard so much about and opts for hummus and chips. Idiot.

Meanwhile Damo is crouched in the undergrowth, knife between his teeth. His prey has been getting the best of him for the last 24hrs. Despite his best attempts he has been outwitted and outpaced. The tortoise he seeks may be slow, may have a small brain, but it has something Damo doesn’t; youth. Old man.

Robbie is up late cooking. He’s watched bake off, googled the process, but so far the only thing he’s cooked up is a real shild. Late Saturday morning he gives up and decides to shave some slits in his eyebrow so that people don’t mention his shild. Get a hair cut.

The other Squanderers? Well…

Ethan is coming to a new realisation of the term ‘inside-out’, Gleeson and lewis are on a double date each having taken their favourite rocks to dinner, Harry sheds a single tear as he puts another hair into the precious box by his bed knowing his forehead will never feel warmth again, whilst the other Squanderers activities are the subject of a review by the senior committee.

Come Saturday we lose 0-3 to a decent Norwich side. Is the night before to blame for some disorganisation, shoddy tackling, re enactment of the classic M.Diesel pass to the opposition centre forward, and failure to make the most of some strong advancing play? Probably not. There were some encouraging signs, but there is much work to be done to shape the Squandies and their dreadful haircuts.

Thankfully the misadventures of this week were quickly washed away in the great flood that was the Norwich changing rooms. The term ‘drain’ obviously means something very different in Norwich. So too can the mass plot to DoD a, largely, innocent member of the team be forgiven. After all fines aren’t fair…

IFLTS

MoM: Lewis Collins

DoD: Pete Fletcher

23/09/2017 Squanderers 2-2 Horncastle 1 | MoM TBC

MoM:

DoD:

2016/17
2016/17 Results
Date Match type Opposition Venue PB Time Score
17/09/16 League Norwich City 3 A 1345 -
24/09/16 League March Town 1 H 1030 -
01/10/16 League Cam South 1 A 1200 -
08/10/16 League Cam Nomads 1 H 1030 -
15/10/16 League Norwich Dragons 1 A 1445 -
22/10/16 League Pelicans 1 H 1030 -
29/10/16 League UEA 1 A 1430 -
05/11/16 League Cam City 4 A 1200 -
12/11/16 League Dereham 2 H 1030 -
19/11/16 League I-ES 2 A 1100 -
26/11/16 League Sudbury 1 H 1030 -
3/12/16 League Norwich City 3 H 1030 -
14/01/17 League March Town 1 A 1300 -
21/01/17 League Cam South 1 H 1030 -
28/01/17 League Cam Nomads 1 A 1230 -
04/02/17 League Norwich Dragons 1 H 1030 -
11/02/17 League Pelicans 1 A 1430 -
19/02/17 VARSITY Infrequents H TBC -
25/02/17 League UEA 1 H 1030 -
04/03/17 League Cam City 4 H 1030 -
11/03/17 League Dereham 2 A 1200 -
18/03/17 League I-ES 2 H 1030 -
25/03/17 League Sudbury 1 A 1530 -
2016/17 Match Reports
25/03/17 Squanderers 2-4 Sudbury 1s | MoM Ethan Gardner

No match report.

MoM: Gardner

DoD: Fletcher

18/03/17 Squanderers 4-2 Ipswich-East Suffolk 2s | MoM Joe Allen

No match report.

MoM: Allen

DoD: ??

11/03/17 Squanderers 1-1 Dereham 2s | MoM Matt Gleeson

No match report.

MoM: Gleeson

DoD: Cargill

04/03/17 Squanderers 4-0 Cambridge City 4s | MoM Niels van Fraassen

This week the squandies missed out on arguably our best chance to squander of the season, with a home win to bottom-of-the-league Cam City. By halftime the score stood at 1-0, though a dominant second half performance ensured the-best-team-in-CUHC didn’t live up to their namesake.

As injuries plagued the club, several blundies debuted for the squandies this weekend. Notably, David managed to play two games simultaneously – impressive.

In a continuation of current good form, Deme converted another flick in an actual game – not quite the “binning in the top corner” Monty was hoping to catch on film though a goal nevertheless.  Across the team continuation of 5-0 form was somewhat less apparent as many of us seemed to still be feeling the effects of Sunday night.

In the absence of Mr Diesel, DoD was dubiously awarded to myself for merely enjoying my birthday. It later transpired that Fletcher had majorly PMB’d at PCMVS (whatever that means) consuming far too many units to have kept track…

In an equally controversial move Niels was unanimously selected MoM in his debut squanderers game of this season. This occurred through the wholly democratic process of only proposing one candidate implemented by Fletcher. Front-runner Perry was not particularly pleased.

MoM: Niels

DoD: Cargill

25/02/17 Squanderers 2-1 UEA 1s | MoM Alex Kendall

5-0 to the champions, 5-0 to the champions

huggeeeeee

Fivvveee to Nil – they didn’t win a game

Huuggeeeeeee

MoM: Kendall

DoD: VK

11/02/17 Squanderers 1-1 Pelicans 1s | MoM Toby Brooks

For those of you who enjoy watching niche and unexplained YouTube videos please go here: https://youtu.be/ay0drSN3noA and for those wishing to read about the Squanderers matches this week please follow below.

This week began on an uneventful Sunday on which the only event of note was Demetris’ first night out since the curious alcohol poisoning incident 3 weeks prior. The week continued uneventfully until Wednesday when the Squanderers played their first match of the week. A thrilling 10-1 win over a well-travelled Harper Adam’s side which featured a guest appearance from former Squanderer and CUHC’s very own Harper, Alex. Whilst Harper’s brief return the Squandies was short-lived the same cannot be said of fresher Flaherty’s appearance in Oxf*ord this week.

Reports started coming through early on Wednesday evening that the Flaherty in question was enjoying himself possibly too much. Unconfirmed news spread rapidly that he, along with his minor sport athletics cronies, were running amok across the streets of Oxf*rd on what some have dubiously called a “crew date” although this author, and indeed city, prefer the term “swap”. These pre-Varsity antics have been viewed by many as the first assault on Oxf*rd’s dignity ahead of what can only be a humbling few weeks amid the dreaming spires. In what has been attributed as an unfortunate turn of events, Mr Flaherty overstayed his welcome in the Other Place and one can only assume he panicked in the situation ending his night slumbering with the enemy. Whilst fraternising is not behavior that the Squanderers condone espionage is encouraged in these critical weeks ahead of the big day. #15MoreSleeps (at time of writing).

Mr Wilde also claimed to have had fun on Wednesday night with his halfway hall and associated social media presence spamming Squanderers’ snapchat stories for the following day. However, doubt has been thrown on the validity of these assertions as every image indicated that he was celebrating with the “Class of 18” when it is clear that Mr Wilde will actually be graduating in 2019. Supporting evidence that he is an engineer and did indeed matriculate with the people with whom he was celebrating have called into question whether “matriculation class of 15” would have made more sense as a theme.

Speaking of matriculation we can exclusively reveal that Mr Gardner managed to miss his college’s official matriculation and had to be matriculated through the back door as it were. Evidence that the back door is one of the more painful places to be matriculated has been presented and we can only assume this was a difficult time for Mr Gardner back in the autumn. Fast forward 4 months and this week a happy fresher Ethan celebrated his 23rd Birthday on Friday (for the interested reader some fun facts relating to this can be found here: https://goo.gl/u7mn9i ). A collection of Squanderers attended his annual aging day and enjoyed a tasty burger dinner on the Friday evening. Mr Perry even graciously decided that attending his subject dinner was of lesser importance than attending Mr Gardner’s meal and now he cannot understand why such loyalty to a fellow Squanderer has earnt him this week’s DoD.

The following morning, match day, began with a flurry of snow and one of the coldest cycle rides in Cambridge that many have experienced. The medium-length drive allowed Mr Flaherty to once again retell the story of Wednesday night for the umpteenth time but thankfully we quickly arrived in King’s Lynn. The game itself got off to a sedate start on a pitch that eyewitnesses have likened to the top of a particularly pert semolina pudding. The highly elastic surface lead to bobbles that flew around from both teams but the game soon settled with few chances at either end. Things became increasingly heated going into half time with the scores at nil-all and frustration had been beginning to creep in from both sides. A bright start to the second half preceded a quick counter attacking goal straight from a 16 across the whole field and resulting in a 2 on 1 with the keeper that was slotted away comfortably. The Squanderers continued applying pressure with a few more good chances created through good attacking play.

Unfortunately, a string of short corners lead to the Pelicans’ opening goal with Mr Brooks making some fine saves in the process. A second Pelicans goal followed some scrappy play at the back. A loss of concentration can cost a team dearly. The final play of the game brought with it a short corner that Captain Allen slotted away on the rebound which brought to the Squanderers a deserved point that they tried so hard to throw away. Mr Perry and Mr Brooks tied for MoM democratically with Mr Brooks winning a game of 5s for the honour after a fine display of keeper work.

MoM: Brooks

DoD: Perry

04/02/17 Squanderers 3-1 Norwich Dragons 1s | MoM Gibson

No match report.

MoM: Gibson

DoD: Gardner

28/01/17 Squanderers 2-3 Cambridge Nomads 1s | MoM Matt Diesel

After a long journey to the previously uncharted territory of east Cambridge (it actually took 33 minutes in the car ferrying the keeper kit, more than twice as long as those travelling by bike – I’d like some money for that please Arge to make up for my unnecessary fines) the squanderers arrived ready to right the wrongs of last weekend and actually score some #goalsgoalsgoals for once. On this objective we were somewhat successful, scoring early on at the sunken end and finding the net twice in the match (an infinite % improvement on last week’s Cambridge derby) – David got so excited he jumped in the goal too for our second.

Unfortunately we forgot to defend as well this week and let in one more than we scored (though Diesel somehow got away with MoM despite it not being varsity for another #29sleeps – well done Matthew, remember your tie next time please).

In happier news I can report that we were treated to the best teas of the season, we enjoyed them so much we had to be asked to leave before the teams from the next game arrived.

MoM: Matt Diesel

DoD: Sam Cole

21/01/17 Squanderers 0-0 Cambridge South 1s | MoM The Defense
The squandies had a bit of a bad day and did not achieve their average of 4 goals per match. With the opponents defending their D quite well and the amazing Robbie Zhao in goals, no goals were scored overall. The match got more and more intense towards the end with both teams thirsty for the 3 pointer victory, resulting in an increased amount of chances to score. Overall it was a good match but could have gone better. The team will now prepare for next weeks match making sure they thrash their opponents and stay in the top of their league.
14/01/17 Squanderers 6-1 March Town 1s | MoM Joe Chandler

After a long Christmas break the squanderers wanted to get off to a good start and get a win under our belts. We sought to make up for our disappointing draw in a previous encounter with March Town. The first half was a mixed bag as the rust undoubtedly hadn’t cleared from the Christmas break yet. However, we stuck to our policy of playing simple hockey throughout the pitch and to remain solid at the back we came out of the first half 2-0 up, with Jallen scoring a flick on the whistle.

At 3-0 up we didn’t want to get too comfortable and have a repeat of last season’s game where we were up by three and then finished with a draw. However, they managed to snatch one back to 3-1. Surely it couldn’t happen again. Could it? However, with a strong push from all the squanders squad we stepped up our game and changed it into a completely game and level of hockey.  With a flurry of goals coming in a short time we had put the game to bed. Final score 6-1.

As usual fines were revealing but this time not in the same way. Diesel surprisingly was not the one spilling the beans about his relationship antics. Instead this roll fell to Ethan who it turned out had got off with diesels girlfriend whilst Diesel was watching however there was slight amnesia and the facts are a little bit on the hazy side.

Goal Scorers: Chandler x3, Jallen, Gibson, Cargill

MoM: Joe Chandler

DoD: Joe Chandler

03/12/16 Squanderers 3-2 Norwich City 1s | MoM Joe Allen

Having beaten Norwich City 6-1 in the first half of the season, the Squanderers tried very hard to live up to their name in the first game of the second half of the season; however, despite some major HHL (I still don’t know what this means?) by a certain DOD, we still managed to come away with a 3-2 win. The Squanderers scored four goals: Jallen got two, Cole got one, and Brignal scored his debut into the wrong goal … the start of my bad day. Other events included forgetting my post-match shoes, being attacked by my own stick, and throwing my flapjack across the floor of Wilberfortress; thus, despite the Christmas Dinner the previous Sunday, this was surprisingly enough to earn DOD. Overall, the match was not the best hockey that the team has played, but three points is still three points and we go into the Christmas break being firmly mid-table.

Last week Tim predicted the events of the Christmas Dinner which were quite accurate; he reckons that he got 50% correct and I will leave it to you to make your own judgements on who lived up to their predictions. The highlight of the evening was of course the annual Sqanderers Run which was won by Fresh Wanderer and CUAC 400m runner Flaherty with a time of 58s … he had a bit of an advantage, but Diesel put in a valiant effort to challenge him for first place and some say that the photo finish actually showed a victory for die-hard Squanderer Diesel, but it was later discovered that he had cheated and failed to finish. My thoughts go to the Squanderers that were involved in the pile-up on the first bend of the race, significant injuries were sustained.

The Squanderers have also once again shown CUHC that they are the most fun by providing the inaugural Sqwocknombedails, however there was a distinct lack of Nomads and Beds and thus is being aptly renamed the Blues Sqwocktail: Diesel confirms that it was a great night, “10/10 would [Blues] Sqwock[tail] again.” Highlights include: Webster finishing his fourth cup at 23:52; Ethan turning up late, but following the dress code at 22:38; heated debate about biscuits throughout the night, resulting in Judge being awarded a yellow card at 23:15 for rating garibaldis as the best biscuit; Ferg trying to join in with a game of Dugeons and Dragons at 21:33; and distinctly fresh behaviour from DOD with regards to an iconic film titled ’20+1′. If you missed the night, make sure you go to the next one.

Have a good Christmas.

IFLTS

MoM: Joe Allen

DoD: Harry Brignal

26/11/16 Squanderers 1-2 Sudbury 1s | MoM Harry Brignal

The match was tense, we were 1-0 up, they scored twice, we came second #hatesposts #hatesgoals

The match also came second in terms of big events this week. I have been asked to look into my crystal ball and predict the outcome of Sunday’s big event.

This match report was written at 2pm Saturday 26th November 2016

Elliot Lindsay: We found out this week Elliot hates reading, preeing and the planet. After racking up some serious airmiles in an attempt to find Fitz I’m reckon Elliot may only be present in spirit tomorrow. I predict a Sainsbury’s meal deal followed by a big night in Fez.

Peter Fletcher: Fletch will spend the whole night asking every squanderer why they hate goals #thesquandieshategoals. Following this I’m hoping he’ll show us how to finish, probably in Life.

Matt Diesel: I predict a really quiet night from Diesel. Having consumed a reasonable, but sensible amount of wine and possibly a couple of beers, Diesel will continue on to the club handing out quality chat, and throwing some shapes before heading home at an early hour to watch Natural Planet with his gf. I also predict I might be very wrong.

James Perry: I expect moisture, in large quantities. I’m also hoping Pez and Mayes will have a fight over the rights to Pez’s boyfriend. I would very much like to see that.

Demetris Stylianou: Demetris won’t be there. This is not a prediction. This is a certainty #hatessquanderers.

Elliot Wilde: Unfortunately, Elliot can’t attend Christmas Dinner this week as the Wildebeast is featuring in this weeks episode of Natural Planet. Make sure you watch it, Diesel will be.

Ethan Gardner: Ethan is our resident thief. The question is what will he steal? So far his treasure chest contains a light from Life and a Bike. I hope he won’t steal any Squandies clothes during their little run – watch out boys. I also expect Ethan to be nominated for DOD next week #lovesDOD.

Matt Gleeson: Matt will get a green card for giving chat to the ref and will miss out the starter. Matt will then get a yellow card for giving chat to the ref and have to sit out desert. Matt will then give chat about how hungry he is.

Harry Brignal: After his MOM performance at the weekend, I expect Brignal to go large. I choose Brignal as the fresher that fucks it.

Joe Chandler: Hopefully Joe will return from virtual reality to join us on Sunday. As a fresh fresher, he really excited for a “big night with the lads” and wants to be an “absolute legend” and “neck some VKs”.

Lewis Collins: Lewis will have a top night. I’m starting to run out of chat. Moving on…..

David Gibson: Dave will be at the Lab. Dave loves the Lab. Lab Lab Lab.

Sam Cole: Sam Cole loves to dance. Sam Cole loves to dance.

Tim Venkatesan: Tim will appear in every photo in Sunday Life. I back myself.

Joe Allen: Jallen loves to lead from the front. I’m backing him to do so during the race. I envisage a repeat of the Iguana scene chased by some Wandering fresher snakes.

Ciaran Flaherty: I expect Ciaran will have a wilde night. I expect Ciaran’s night will be well documented and presented on numerous chats on Monday morning. I expect Ciaran to be one of the Wandering fresher snakes.

If you would like to witness such events, I recommend going to the Annual CUHC Christmas Dinner.

MoM: Harry Brignal

DoD: Tim Venkatesan

19/11/16 Squanderers 1-0 Ipswich East-Suffolk 2s | MoM Joe Allen

The Squanderers were joyous to learn of the 11.00 am push back in Ipswich, meaning a sleepy 8.30 meet at Wilby. Due to my old and withered car being diagnosed scrap the previous day, it was a tight squeeze to fit 15 players into three cars. Success was had and a long, cosy trip due east commenced. So cosy in fact, that Matt ‘I like the bitch seat’ Roberts caught up on some kip (potential PMB).

The boys were woken up by the lovely sight of the blue and pink hockey pitch and a high intensity warm up followed. After push back, the Squanderers dominated possession and played lovely fluid hockey with the midfield rotating into acres of space and the forwards leading high and wide for Pete ‘angry man’ Fletcher and Matt ‘loyal’ Diesel to make threading diagonal balls out the defence. After a lovely passage of play, the ball was fired towards David on the T-spot, where he deflected it across the goal for Joe Allen to slot in the corner. 1-0. The rest of the first half was played in similar fashion with many chances but unfortunately no conversion.

The whole of the second half was played very tensely due to the close score line. Once again, the squanderers had a plethora of chances but really do seem to hate goals. Especially Sam ‘loves to dance’ Cole who volleyed the ball into the cross bar from a grand distance of 2 feet. The final whistle blew and a few gasps of relief were heard, final score 1-0.

Once again, join us next week where Matt Diesel will be narrating our wonderful Saturday adventure (a fortune cookie told me).

IFLTS

MoM: Joe Allen

DoD: Ethan Gardner

12/11/16 Squanderers 3-1 Dereham 2s | MoM Matt Gleeson

After a disheartening loss to an inferior team the previous Saturday. All the squanderers jumped out of bed elatedly to the sound their morning alarm, ready to right the previous wrongs. The glorious weather was only a motivation for the best team in CUHC. Despite the captain himself being alarmingly late, a rousing team talk was given in the changies to send the boys on to their warm up.

The whistle blew and the match commenced. Something was different… The defence were transferring beautifully and the midfield rotation was leaving the Dereham players discombobulated like penguins stranded in the Sahara Desert. The forwards were making beautiful complimentary leads rendering the Dereham defence helpless. Quickly, a short corner was won and Deme ‘The Gazelle’ Stylianou launched a drag flick into the back of the goal. With continued fluid team play Joe Allen slotted a rebounded ball through the keeper making the score 2-0. It was decided among the opposition that if they were to have a chance of winning they needed to do something drastic; injure the opposition. With this plan in mind they tried to knock JAllen’s teeth out. Due to their inability to wield a hockey stick they missed and only managed to hit him in the chin and cause 4 stiches (better luck next time). Within a short amount of time another goal was bagged by Joe Chandler by means of an orthodox Botswana. Now termed the Bulgaria as we didn’t score any conventional short corners despite having about 10 (turn up to short corner practise boys!). At 3-0 the half-time whistle blew.

After a stunning first half performance, excitement was high and the half time team talk was about not letting the intensity drop and to put another three goals past them. Of course, we’re called the squanderers for a reason and despite many chances, including one awe-inspiring goal hating moment by James Perry, the second half was lost 1-0. Leading to a final victorious score of 3-1.

This victory was coupled with confused feelings but a win is a win and the capability of how the team can play was demonstrated. Post-match showers were considerably more boring when Diesel decided not to deep heat his balls. Twice. MoM was given to Gleeson for being consistent and offering well in midfield. DoD was very close between Diesel and myself, unfortunately I won for having VK stains over my shirt, losing a toenail, getting a green card and being given a stolen bike by a criminal (this is definitely what happened). I still received the prestigious title despite the revelation that Diesel had to convince his girlfriend that he cheated on her on her birthday… A good performance from the Squandies and everyone should be proud, the future is looking bright.

MoM: Matt Gleeson

DoD: Ethan Gardner

05/11/16 Squanderers 0-2 Cambridge City 4s | MoM N/A

Playing one of the weaker teams in the league the Squandies entered the game with a very positive and confident attitude, despite being a man down due to last-minute food poisoning. By playing some decent hockey, they dominated their opponents for the first 30 minutes. Then, however, things changed: sloppy passing, some loose marking and bad structure. The opponents managed to take some sort of control. After some attempts they managed to score a goal; later followed by another goal. Currently at a 2-0 disadvantage. The team was desperate for a turnover resulting in the centre-backs doing some wild 100m sprinting to the opponents’ defence which unfortunately, had little-to-no effect regarding the final score. A 2-0 loss for the Squanderers, who now hope to learn from their mistakes and continue being at the top of the league.

MoM: N/A

DoD: Demetris Stylianou

29/10/16 Squanderers 2-2 UEA 1s | MoM Joe Allen

For once I have absolutely no complaints about my DoD award. I don’t think any of the other 9 DoD awards from the last two years come close to matching how deserving I was of it this week. I can only apologise for my disgraceful behaviour. I have let the Squanderers down and I have abandoned the morals I once championed. For those who aren’t already aware, at Ws cocktails on Wednesday I said “The Wanderers are the best team in CUHC”. Whilst I could try and blame it on other factors such as peer pressure, I ultimately have to take responsibility for my actions.

As to the hockey, we got a result so we’ve got that going for us. Made real hard work of it though by not passing to strong sticks and losing the ball all over the pitch, not helped by having our entire midfield unavailable. Some great efforts defending kept us in the game though, the press working well despite tired legs. The pitch was very different from Wilby, and not adapting to that led to a lot of bad first touches from everyone, as well as 4 botswanas going over the deflectors stick and missing the left post – unusual for the Sqs at the moment as we’ve been scoring a lot of shorts in the past few weeks.

Lots to work on, plenty of room for improvement, but also some positives to take out of the game as well.

IFLTS forever and always, don’t let any evidence to the contrary fool you.

MoM – Jallen for huge effort playing out of position.
DoD – Four nominations: Diesel, Diesel, Diesel and Harry. Harry came 4th.

22/10/16 Squanderers 0-3 Pelicans 1s | MoM Pete Fletcher

Definitions:

  • Shocking
    1. Adjective: Causing indignation or disgust; offensive
      1. Context: “Your attire is shocking”
  • Attire
    1. Noun: clothes, especially fine or formal ones
      1. Context: “Sort out your attire you feeble Squanderer”
  • Basic
    1. Adjective: forming an essential foundation or starting point
      1. Context: “Roll strong, it’s f*cking basic”

Source: The Famous Oxf*rd Poly English Dictionary

It all started when I failed to acquire a tie of my favourite shade of blue. My decision not to get one at the start of the season was questionable, and lead to an accumulation of fines for poor attire (see above) and an ultimatum that if one was not located by the weekend I would be made DOD. Subsequently I contacted Clothiers, but a decision to put my home address as the delivery address require rectification: pretty basic (see above).  This meant I finally acquired such tie at 6pm on Friday evening and I could sleep tight for the match knowing I wouldn’t be DOD. However, in the morning I forgot my chinos and got DOD anyway for shocking attire (see above): basic (see above). My only comfort was the fact I was playing for the best team in CUHC.

The Squanderers also seemed keen on having a shocker this weekend against Pelicans 1s. Having stormed to a 5-3 comeback against the Dragons last week we thought we would challenge ourselves by playing with 9-men, Ethan and Cargill, picking up cards soon after each other during the 1st half. All in all we didn’t do the basics (see above) and the team chemistry at times was poor. Things did pick up second half, but 3 PC goals shared across both halves, meant we slumped to a 3-0 defeat. As honourable members of CUHC we will not speak about the ref, but all I can say is that he had a shocking (see above) lid. Shout out to Fletch for MOM.

MoM: Pete Fletcher

DoD: Tim Venkatesan

15/10/16 Squanderers 5-3 Norwich Dragon 1s | MoM Matt Roberts

It was Wednesday and the Ws had a lovely field trip to Nottingham to play a very poor standard of hockey and win 9-0. After 2 hours in the car home everyone was ready for a few beverages, and with the Women’s Blues on their way back from a huge victory against the other place plans were quickly finalised for a friendly joint pre-drink in Trin JCR. At that point it was like standing at the top of Orgasm Bridge looking out over the Cam: looked like a great plan but was about to descend rather rapidly. It started going wrong with the idea to pre for Ws cocktails, that’s never a good idea. It then descended even further when Harper showed up (eventually, after being in the wrong staircase for 20 minutes) with a bottle of vodka. A mad game of 3 man, including highlights such as Jervis rolling 3 times for his 31, led to the demolition of the crate of beers. Ws cocktails then started. As the blues filtered in gradually things were starting to get out of hand. After a rousing rendition of some of our favourite hymns the porters politely requested we relocate, but having not had enough of the dreadful mixture that is the Ws cocktail we headed to Sally’s room. Apart from some roof climbing it was largely uneventful, until in an effort to get to cindies quicker I jumped down all of Sally’s stairs. I still have the bruises. Cindies then happened, and much fun was had by all involved. Unfortunately, that Wednesday was so large that it left no room for Thursday. I spent the whole day in bed unable to move, my sole achievement being that I managed to toast 3 bagels (and that was very hard work). As a result, I was unable to attend training that afternoon. A sad state of affairs you’ll all agree and the cause of my DoD award.

Friday held little of interest other than excessive predrinking by Roberts (according to one source close to Matt it was “The drunkest he’d been in Cambridge so far”), so fast forward to Saturday where the Squanderers went to Norwich for the day to the Dragon’s Den. Joe was eager to impress the Dragons with our short corner routines, and Deborah would have been very keen to invest if she’d seen what was on offer. Deme started with an India that got in under the keeper who was a bit slow to log, the keeper then made the mistake of going down too quickly for the next few giving Roberts two goals from textbook Oxf*rd 1s. A fourth goal came from clearing up after an India, giving a total of 4 short corner goals, an unheard of feat for the Sqs before Christmas. A few other positives to take from the game. After Monty’s despair at the work rate of the team last week, Saturday was much better. We obviously didn’t pay quite as much attention when he told us to roll out strong as that was a very infrequ*nt sight.

I believe this makes me the only player in the club with 6 games unbeaten this year.

IFLTS.

MoM: Matt Roberts

DoD: Matt Diesel

08/10/16 Squanderers 2-4 Cambridge Nomads 1s | MoM Tim Venkatesan

This week the squandies were up against the Cambridge Nomads. As stated in the weekend preview these boys took the bronze medal in the 2N league last year and they lived up to that standard with an impressive performance. The first half saw a slow start from the team with very little happening at either end of the pitch for the first ten minutes. As the game progressed both teams scored making it 1-1 at half time. Venkatesan was the goal scorer getting a touch on a beautifully topped crash ball from Fletcher.

In the second half the squanderers returned to their origins, letting the Nomads put 3 past us. Deme flung one into their net off a short corner but the match ended as a 4-2 loss. Although the result was not exactly the desired outcome, the squandies hold the heads high with every intention of returning to their winning ways next week in Norwich.

Away from the pitch; well it’s been fresher’s. The squanderers have been out in force in the Cambridge clubs and just generally causing havoc.

MoM: Tim Venkatesan

DoD: Joe Allen

01/10/16 Squanderers 2-0 Cambridge South 1s | MoM Robbie Zhao

The Squanderers started strongly with some aggressive pressing and considered attacks which caught the opposition off guard, and gave us an early 1-0 lead thanks to a well finished goal scored by Joe. The opposition then woke up, and with the help of their 12th man brandishing his whistle and whining about general squanderer behaviour, they managed to hold us back until half time.

The second half started well with some good attacking play and composure after some wise words from Monty the coach. Our play then began to deteriorate – Gleeson got a green card and then a yellow for his efforts off the ball. Then from nowhere Demetrius decided to help the forward line in their efforts, scoring the second goal of the day. From there the game got worse and worse as everyone got tired and complacent on a 2-0 lead, but we managed to hold out until the end of the match and secure the win.

24/09/16 Squanderers 3-3 March Town 1 | MoM Matt Gleeson

In short the Squanderers well and truly lived up to their name this week. 3-0 up within 10 minutes and playing well, what could possibly go wrong!? Well, it turned out the other side could actually play hockey! Even if there seemed to be some confusion over what sport we were playing from the March Town boys as two-footed slide tackles started flying in left, right and centre. Nevertheless the Squandies stuck it out and were unlucky to come away with only a 3-3 draw after a few opportunities to win it late in the second half.

Anyway on to the social. If you look up the definition of squandered on urban dictionary (which I did because I have way too much free time) you get this: being extremely wasted/drunk/intoxicated. Once again, the Squandies didn’t fail to live up to their name, Sam Cole showing the freshers how its done with an excellent display in f*ck the dealer. On from predrinks, the large group of squandered Squanderers descended on Hawks and eventually Spoons (which feels like the spiritual home of a squanderer with some members of the team making their second or third trip there that day). A great performance all round (although I have to admit my memory took a little bit of a hit following Hawks) and as usual, the Squanderers showed why we are the most fun of any CUHC team.

MOM – Gleeson

DOD – Gleeson

17/09/16 - Squanderers 6-1 Norwich City | MoM James Campkin
It’s a long story. Basically, there was a set of paintings by an artist living in Cambridge that for some reason my parents had. The plan was for me to take them back when I came up for the hockey but when I was packing the car on Friday I couldn’t find them. I wasn’t that worried as I’ll be back in a week for the next instalment of Squanderer domination, so would just do it a bit later. Little did I realise that getting these paintings to Cambridge was actually quite urgent.
With some thought we came up with a good solution, helped by my father having a flight from Heathrow the Saturday morning. The plan was that on his way to the airport he could meet me somewhere around the M25 loop, near the junction with the M40. This worked well, except that the exchange only happened at 10am, giving me just an hour to make it back to cambridge for our meet. It could have worked, and it would have if it wasn’t for the replacement lights at the Madingley/Grange Road junction. I’m not entirely sure what they were doing there, the workers were still there when I drove back that way on the sunday but the lights are back to their normal operation. The result of the replacement lights was that the traffic coming into town on Madingley Road was backed up all the way to West Cambridge.
I was tempted to take the shortcut onto Wilberforce Road and take out the bollard but by then you can almost see the turning onto Grange Road. In the end, I’m told I was 20+1 minutes late, which was enough to DoD me, it seems. The only conclusion I can reach from that is that preseason has been incredibly dull for the Squandies.
In other events this weekend, the Squanderers proved beyond doubt they are the best team in CUHC by scoring by far the most goals. 6 in total, the first a good India from fresher Dimi (I don’t know how to spell his full name) in the first ten minutes. That was the only goal before half time, leaving me with the strange feeling that we were going to have another year of squandering would-be-wins into draws.
The second half showed that preseason has been good for squanderer fitness though, and the older Norwich side were soon reduced to having no press worth mentioning allowing the Sqs to play the flair flowing hockey we rarely see this early on in the season. At 2-0 there was worryingly little to do as a centre back, and Zhao in goal looked in danger of falling asleep. To make things more interesting I passed it straight to their centre forward at the top of the D. This cemented my place as this week’s unanidod, a title I got this time two years ago against the same opposition after the debacle at Arge’s house. Pete was not impressed, but it seemed to remind the Squanderers that 2 goals wouldn’t be enough if the defence wanted to squander the lead.
The flood gates opened and 4 class goals came in. Captain Joe bagged 2, various freshers got their debut goals for the club (I’m still yet to have a shot on goal in 2 years). Speaking of the freshers, the intake looks fantastic. Having had our entire midfield of last year stolen by the Ws, the new guys stepped up to the challenge and showed a great awareness of the game and adapted to the uni style of hockey very quickly. The other promising aspect of the game was a working Botswana before Christmas. I don’t think I’ve seen that before.
The freshers also showed their class later that evening arriving impeccably dressed and I hope they all thoroughly enjoyed their introduction to the wonderful concoction we call the Squocktail. I’d like to thank Will Archibald, a Squanderer at heart still, who was able to locate Liebfraumilch. I’ve tried in the past and not succeeded and it just doesn’t taste the same without it. The evening continued in hawks where the freshers got the opportunity to taste yet another great drink with unknown ingredients. It finally descended into spoons, where much fun was had by all except Pete, who failed to materialise. This girlfriend is proving to be seriously inhibiting his ability to squander, and something ought to be done about it.
Thats all for this week, come back next week to read the next installment which might be written by me again if preseason continues to be as boring as it has been.
MoM: James Campkin
DoD: Matt Diesel
2015/16
2015/16 Results
Date Match type Opposition Venue PB Time Score
19/09/15 League St Neots 1 A 1300 W 4-3
26/09/15 League Horncastle 1 H 1030 W 1-0
03/10/15 League Ely City 1 A 1330 L 0-5
10/10/15 League Louth 1 H 1030 L 0-5*
17/10/15 League City of Peterborough 5 A 1130 W 5-1
24/10/15 League Cambridge City Vets A 1330 W 3-0
31/10/15 League Bourne Deeping 2 H 1030 D 2-2
14/11/15 League Long Sutton 2 H 1030 W 12-0
21/11/15 League St Ives 2 A 1230 W 6-1
28/11/15 League Cambridge South 1 H 1030 D 4-4
29/11/15 League Wisbech Town 2 A 1600 W 8-1
05/12/15 League St Neots 1 H 1030 W 3-2
09/01/16 League Horncastle 1 1 A 1300 W 4-3
23/01/16 League Louth 1 A 1500 W 5-1
30/01/16 League City of Peterborough H 1030 W 6-0
06/02/16 League Cambridge City Vets H 1500 W 5-0
13/02/16 League Bourne Deeping 2 A 1100 W 3-0
21/02/16 VARSITY Oxf*rd A - L 3-2
27/02/16 League Wisbech 1 H 1030 W 8-0
05/03/16 League Long Sutton 2 A 1130 W 6-0
12/03/16 League St Ives 2 H 1030 W 9-3
19/03/16 League Cambridge South 1 A 1200 L 2-3
20/03/16 League Ely City 1 H 1030 W 9-4

* Conceded due to lack of Umpires

2015/16 Match Reports
05/03/16 Squanderers 6- 0 Long Sutton

By all accounts, the Squanderers scored lots of flair goals.

MoM: Joe Allen

13/02/2016 Squanderers 3 - 0 Bourne Deeping 2s

After adhering to the Squanderers new diet plan with a nutritious breakfast at Cambridge services we assembled at Bourne Deeping. During the warm up it was clear that this would be a very bobbly pitch so we turned ourselves on from the start. The game started in rapid fashion as the opposition couldn’t handle our press and speed of passing and leading. After a few glimpses of goal we won our first short corner of the game. ‘Twas a beautifully executed routine with Harper smoothly sliding the ball into the corner for Jim Dickinson to guide into the roof of the net. The crowd went wild. The rest of the half continued in similar light with the opposition not having a single shot. Squanderer was definitely rewarded for his efforts with Joe Allen emphatically slamming in to make it 2-0 after some goal mouth shenanigans. After an unorthodox but welcome second rendition of 1,2,3 Squanderers after the half time team talk we knew we had to put the game to bed and not squander anything. Unfortunately due to a gross injustice involving what was called “a stick obstruction” (lifting the ball three inches off the ground over someone’s stick) and the subsequent whose free hit is it confusion, Alex Harper tried to take it and was penalised with a yellow card and a short corner. Some say this was a deliberate plan to give the team some useful practice of playing with ten men before V-day and the Squanderers dealt with this challenge excellently, not giving them a single sight of goal, a credit to the hard work of all the outfield players who kept the defence tight and forced the opposition back. After the five minutes off Harper comes back on to vent his fury at what he saw as an injustice by slinging the ball into the goal at the next short corner. 3-0 to the Squanderers. Many more could have been added with Jim being rather unlucky to have had a deflected effort, very similar to that of the first goal being saved on the line.

7 sleeps to go. IFLTS.

MOM: Dan Mehlig

DOD: Alex Harper

06/02/2016 Squanderers 5 - 0 Cambridge City Vets

The Squanderers’ arrived at the Wilberfortress on a chilly and blustery day raring to face the Cambridge City Vets; a delayed start only conjured dark thoughts concerning the increasingly relevant ‘Stebbing six-pence’.

The classical sleepy opening to the game was shortly overturned in favour of some more dynamic hockey with fast transfers across the defensive line (certainly a far more organised performance than that of Wednesday!). Mehlig receiving a shove whilst storming towards goal awarded the Squanderers a penalty flick which was coolly put away top right by Harper. A bobbly cross from Cole and deflection from Lock saw the Sqs lead 2-0 come half time.A textbook O*ford 1 followed by Huge Jugs lobbing the keeper put the Sqs in a very comfortable position. Consequently the defence decided the fans wanted to see some defensive short corner practice. Four penalty corners were conceded in a row to keep the crowd entertained but to no avail for the Vets. Aside from Diesel getting mounted by a particularly frisky ‘City player, normal service was quickly resumed, with Mr Stebbing slotting the final goal at the far post to seal the deal 5-0.

Bar the occasional squander, the Ss are shaping up well on the run up to V-day; having just overtaken Ely’s goal difference the hunger for promotion is increasingly present.

MoM: Jim Dickinson
DoD:  Eliott Lindsay

30/01/2016 Squanderers 6 - 0 City of Peterborough 5s

Squanderers news bulletin 31st January

Top news story for the week is that Ely (2nd place in the league) lost, leaving us with just a 6 point gap between us and promotion. This gap is being labelled as the “Stebbing Gap” as it happens to coincide with the number of points we blame him for losing us in last terms umpires debacle. In the next two months, we will be playing both Ely and Cam South (top of the league), and Ely still have to play Cam South again as well. In short, if we win all our games, and Ely lose to Cam South, we’ll be tied for points. Provided we score loads and loads of goals we could still go up.

Next in the weekly news, the varsity squad was announced. In a brutal selection email, Jim gave a squad that is best described as strong. Mostly comprised of familiar names, the Ws were kind enough to give us back Huge Jugs (though not in the same position as when he left), and Plankton, to strengthen a defence that has already been bolstered by some fresh talent. Kendall has also appeared out of the sky to join us.

Saturday was the first Sqs clean sheet in a long time, winning 6-0 against a City of Peterborough team described by Dreadful Chopper Kirkpatrick as below average (I can recall his exact words, but can’t publish them). Harper was responsible for 3 of them, his new role at the top of the D for short corners obviously suiting him. Kinky insists one goal was snaked, after umpire Archibald blew the whistle for a flick just before “everyones favourite plucky fresher” could roof it. Harper then made a very strong claim for the position of flick taker, hitting the right side netting with effortless grace. Reading this report, it might confuse you as to how Harper avoided MoM. It was going to be decided by a game of fives between Harps and Mehlig, but the former withdrew as he believed losing the game would result in him being sent on a train to Edinburgh. That’s the second time Harper has shown his freshness by trying to google rules to games before playing them. Other goals scored by Kirky, Cole and Dickinson. Diesel got DoD on account of no-one else having done anything stupid this week.

The evening entertainment saw another absurd game of Peter Fletcher+To My Right, with a brief interlude for spoons dinner, followed by a wide variety of frivolities. The highlights of the night were recorded on tape for posterity, and may be made available on Baz at some point.

MoM: Dan Mehlig

DoD: Matt Diesel

23/01/2016 Louth 1 - 4 Squanderers

Upon the (surprisingly organised) completion of the annual pre Varsity Squanderers’ photoshoot the long trek up to Louth could begin. The hundred mile road trip allowing plenty of time to answer all the burning questions such as “What does Sam Cole really do with his spare time?” and “What would Kinky say to end his (future?) marriage?” No further progress was made on the pronunciation of “Louth”.
Three hours, maccies and a couple of strong coffees later a rather jiggly set of Squanderers arrived raring to go (and grateful to be alive in some cases )[Editor’s note: the drive was perfectly safe, including some textbook overtaking. That other car was well over 30cm away] but in the midst a distressing lack of umpires. The umpires eventually turned up, the ULO breathed a sigh of relief and the Squanderers could proceed with an organised warmup and passionate team talk.
With purposeful runs from the forwards and rapid transfers from the defence alike; Squandering was initially kept to a minimum. After a spectacular drive from Allen, the Ss were 1-0 up come half time. Two composed goals later from Kirky and Cole brought the score to a comfortable 3-0 before a defensive blunder led to a compulsory spot of Squandering. A final tap in from Lock at the far post sealed the game 4-1; overall, a highly encouraging performance with V day around the corner.
After another photoshoot, the Squanderers retired for a rushed post-match, giving way to another (celebratory) maccies and a very silly virtual game of 20+1.
With Ely drawing to Cambridge City Vets the Squanderers’ take one step closer to promotion.

MoMDoD – Eliott Lindsay

09/01/2016 Horncastle 3 - 4 Squanderers

Having returned from the long Christmas break, this weekend the mighty Squanderers made the journey up to Lincolnshire to face Horncastle HC. Even with the mandatory stop over at Cambridge services (where else would you find a truly nutritious breakfast), the long drive proved too much for some…upon arriving, all that could be heard from Kirky was maniacal laughter and talk of Chewbacca whilst all other members of his car looked utterly confused.

The first half started off slowly, with both sets of players shaking off some of the cobwebs and mince pies from Christmas. However, the Squanderers pressing, pacy passing and silky skills quickly forced Horncastle to spend most of the half in their own half. Their solid defence was proving difficult to crack until Stebbing, fresh off his time on the PGA tour, decided to demonstrate some proper fairway driving technique, leathering the ball through the goalkeepers legs. 1-0 to Cambridge was the score going into half time.

After a rousing team talk from Fletcher, the second half started off well, with the Squanderers finding their rhythm to connect some fluid attacking moves, coming very close to scoring. Unfortunately, clearly still on a high from Fletcher’s praise at half time, centre-back Harper decided to give the ball to the opposition centre forward to give himself a challenge. A couple more defensive errors found the Squanderers living up to their name, 3-2 down. Fortunately the come-back came in style, with Joe Allen scoring a drag flick (surprising nobody more so than himself) and Canishk slotting home a “well-worked” short corner to bag 3 points for the team.

Other highlights included Canishk’s Ronaldo-esque run into the D (complete with lovely skill and a beautifully theatrical dive to finish), General Vaz managing to hit both posts with the ball and himself, and Elliot Lindsay (resident silliest fresher) navigating an entire convoy into a dead end road, leading to some beautiful synchronised three-point turning from the team.

The Squanderers now return to regular training in preparation for Varsity.

MoM: Canishk Naik

DoD: Anand Patel

21/11/2015 Squanderers 6 - 1 St Ives MOM Matt Diesel

The Squanderers braved the cold and windy conditions to conjure up another spectacular victory; yet again setting the standard for the CUHC men.

After a ‘scenic route’ was taken by Lock the Squanderers were presented with the calamity of their stand-in goalkeeper. Whilst Squanderers routinely trouble themselves with complex science and moral dilemmas (whilst planking), the recently promoted Dickinson failed to be competent in putting some plastic on his legs. An extreme optimist would say this bodes well for future Dickinsons in CUHC.

After a lethargic warm up the Squanderers, usually ferocious caged animals at the Wilbefortress, were heavily influenced by the lack of caging around the pitch. This freedom lead to minds wandering, passes going wayward, sonnets penned and shots being missed. St Ives also pushed hard in the first 20 minutes and were unlucky not to be on the scoreboard, hitting the post on one occasion. The Squanderers account was finally opened with Allan diving at the far post to tap in a cross. Another followed and going in 2-0 up at half time the Squanderers felt confident and were beginning to wake from their earlier slumber.

The second half, whilst being somewhat underwhelming, saw the Squanderers more clinical and scoring a further 4. Highlights include a cross-come-goal from wing back Perry, that either flew straight into the roof of the net or bobbled gently over a few sticks, deceived the keeper and limped into the goal. You decide. At the back Deasel was strong throughout and pushed forward with purpose. What that purpose was will remain unclear, as he remains goalless for CUHC, but he deservedly won MoM.

The excitement of the day came when operating the mid-chest high shower heads. Quite why they were placed so low remains a mystery but the challenge was too entertaining for some of the Squanderers.

After a victory feast (Maccies) the Squanderers return to training this evening in preparation for some crucial games in the coming weeks.

MoM: Matt Diesel

DoD: Peter Fletcher

14/11/2015 Squanderers 12 - 0 Long Suttons 2s MOM Joe Allen

The Squanderers arrived bright and early at Wilberfortress with the knowledge that they had no option other than to win this game – losing to an 11 man Sutton squad would be inexcusable. Captain Dickinson had only just abandoned for another commitment before Lock’s strike found the net, a fantastic solo effort that left the keeper stranded. This goal opened the floodgates: the Squanderers attacked relentlessly and Wisbech astro became waterlogged again. Sam Cole executed a sublime Oxford 3 PC routine, a selfish yet effective technique popularised by a Squanderers professional pre-Varsity 2014. Lock showed his true nature in this match, stealing a dead cert goal in a manner reminiscent of ex PNEFC striker David Nugent debuting against Andorra.

In the second half the hammering of Sutton continued, St Catharine’s College engineer Matt Diesel entering the D at one point. Beautiful passing hockey from a light blue 16 resulted in Allen deflecting Kirkpatrick’s hit into the roof of the net, a move so perfect that it brought a tear to the eye of a sparrow flying overhead. Mehlig made full use of the “hand is part of the stick” rule to direct an unclaimed ball into the Sutton net, after the match he attributed this to his practice squaring up to bouncers post CUHC swaps. The strong Squanderers forward line did not disappoint, all of the strikers bagging goals, with Naik and Lock claiming hattricks. Centre back Harper also found himself with a hattrick, reportedly using “self-aerial” passes to ghost past the Sutton midfield – this move being the brain child of Bristow and Rich’s marathon Squanderers coach meetings. Other people say he scored some penalty flicks. Looking forward the Squanderers will see a difficult game against Cam South before the end of term, an 11 point gap that seems that bit more attainable after a performance like today’s.

MoM: Joe Allen

DoD: Jim Dickinson (may or may not actually have been present at the match due to a demotion)

31/10/2015 Squanderers 2 - 2 Bourne Deeping 2s MOM James Perry

The Squanderers’ arrived bright and early (and mostly on time). A strong warmup and inspirational team talk from the manager later the game was underway. Right from the whistle the intensity was high; the Squanderers’, in their hunger to make up lost points, began peppering the Bourne Deeping goalkeeper. After countless spectacular runs from Messrs Allen and Vaz it was Sam Cole himself that drove home an absolute screamer into the BD backboard to put the S’s ahead come half time.

The crisp game of passing hockey persisted in the second half; however, a couple of defensive blunders resulted in a cheap goal being conceded at a penalty corner.

The response was passionate with Dan Mehlig flattening the opposition goalkeeper (in what can only be described as a spectacular change of routine) before Sam Cole could force a second past to regain the lead.

Yet in the dying seconds of the game, BD managed to squeeze the equaliser through from a pea rolling deflection, leaving the final score 2-2.  The Squanderers’ retired to the Wilberfortress with their tails between their legs. The short term disappointment shortly to be put aside for fines/ swap debrief – where it was concluded that: “We have fingers in many places”.

MoM: James Perry

DoD: Eliott Lindsay

24/10/2015 Cam City Vets 0 - 3 Squanderers

The Squanderers this weekend had a tough away trip to the captain’s stomping grounds of St John’s to play against Cam City Vets. Despite early mutterings in the ranks that some of the players would have rather been playing in Oxf*rd than St John’s the captain managed to get us to focus on the task at hand – winning the Cambridge derby, whose history almost spans longer than the average age of the opposition. This played into our hands, and despite almost needing to play shirts vs skins due to the shirt-compiling scheme confusing the eventual DoD, leaving the whole team’s kit in Jesus, our warm up wasn’t hindered.

From the off it was evident that the Squanderers were the dominant side, massively outrunning the opposition and allowing us to take a deserved two nil lead into half time with goals from MoM Joe Allen and Alex Kirkpatrick. More of the same in the second half led to the flairest of the goals – several one touch passes through the midfield followed by a reverse stick volley across the face of goal from President Lock, giving Alex Kirkpatrick a simple finish for his second of the day. A disallowed 4th goal in confusing circumstances from Joe Allen and several misses from Kirky, proving that he isn’t quite ready for the forward line despite his brace, meant that it finished 3-0, although it could have been more. Unless the ULO has anything to say about it the Squanderers’ push for promotion looks somewhat unstoppable.

MoMJoe Allen

DoD: Tom Stebbing

17/10/2015 City of Peterborough 5s 1 - 5 Squanderers

The squanderers resumed their chase of promotion this weekend with a demolition of Peterborough 5th XI. With a fully strengthened squad after a multitude of cuts midweek, and even two umpires turning up, we showed intent of squandering yet another match early on when ‘keeper Lindsay decided it would be best not to pack all of his required kit. A replacement sourced, the score was 1-0 to the light blues within minutes after Joshi nonchalantly deflected Clark’s strike behind his back and through the planted keeper’s legs. With captain Dickinson sidelined with a thumb injury, the Squandies were able to continue asserting their authority over the unfortunate Peterborough side, forwards linking up well to provide Joshi with another opportunity to slot past the flailing keeper, making it 2-0 at half time. The second half continued in much the same vein as before, with Joshi adding another 2, including a well-executed O-1 into the roof of the net, much to the delight of Matt ‘I’ve just put Nikhil in my fantasy team’ Diesel. Stebbing added a 5th goal to ensure he gained his first CUHC win since November 2014. A spirited breakaway caught our defence sleeping at the death and Peterborough came away with a late consolation, but it was all too late. The squanderers picked up their third win and second 3 points of the season, before heading to the comically heterosexual showers in jubilation.

MoM: Nikhil Joshi

DoD: Alex Kirkpatrick

26/09/2015 Squanderers 1 - 0 Horncastle 1s
Hopes were high amongst the Squanderers, after the previous days’ short corner practise, as they stood outside Wilby on what was a magnificent Saturday morning awaiting the arrival of ‘Wilby man’.
Nonetheless the Squanderers got off to a shaky start with possession interchanging rapidly between the two sides. Fortunately, composure was regained allowing Botlhe More to deflect a penalty corner into the back of the Horncastle net, leaving the score 1-0 at half-time.
Upon the sudden realisation that we were up against only ten men; the second half became a relentless assault on the Horncastle goal. Countless shots wide of the target and several tantrums from a frustrated Pete Fletcher later; the Ss had done their very best to live up to their name. With highlights such as Mr Mehlig’s squandered open goal; the Maypole could not have been any less prepared for the ensuing antics.
Thankfully, the score remained 1-0 as the full time whistle was blown, creating a mixed sense of relief and vexation.
Having secured two wins from two games the Squanderers are in an unprecedented position; can they continue to behave in this remarkable fashion and secure promotion? Only time will tell.

MoM: Alex Kirkpatrick
DoD: Eliott Lindsay

19/09/2015 St Neots 3-4 Squanderers
This weekend the Squanderers kicked off the new season with an away match against St Neots. The first half was an impressive display of hockey with goals from Dan Mehlig and Joe Allen along with a truly ridonculous behind the back deflection from Botlhe More, resulting in a 3-0 lead at half time.

The 2nd half started out strong and for a short while it looked as though the Squanderers may stay composed and see the game through to a comfortable win. However that is not the Squanderer way and in true fashion we gave away 2 goals in quick succession and then let them have an equalizer with about 10 minutes remaining on the clock.

But in one final effort the team played some decent hockey and got the winner in the dying minutes of the game, resulting in some very relieved faces.

Special mention for Jim Dickinson for captaining the Squanderers to the best start of a season in recent history, let’s hope the year continues much the same.

MOM – Botlhe More
DOD – Joe Allen

2014/15
2014/15 Results
Date Match type Opposition Venue PB Time Score
20/09/14 League Saffron Walden 2 A 1330 L 0-1
27/09/14 League Norwich Dragons 1 H 1030 D 3-3
04/10/14 League March Town 1 H 1030 D 1-1
11/10/14 League Norwich City 2 A 1430 W 2-1
18/10/14 League Cambridge City 3 H 1030 L 0-2
25/10/14 League City of Peterborough 4 A 1230 L 2-3
01/11/14 League Ipswich 2 H 1030 L 1-5
08/11/14 League Dereham 2 A 1330 L 2-3
15/11/14 League Sudbury 1 H 1030 L 2-3
22/11/14 League Ely City 1 A 1330 W 7-0
29/11/14 League North Norfolk 1 H 1030 D 1-1
13/12/14 League Norwich Dragons 1 A 1430 L 2-5
10/01/15 League Saffron Walden 2 H 1030 W 5-3
17/01/15 League March Town 1 A 1330 L 3-4
24/01/15 League Norwich City 2 H 1030 L 0-1
31/01/15 League Cambridge City 3 A 1130 D 3-3
07/02/15 League City of Peterborough 4 H 1030 D 3-3
14/02/15 League Ipswich 2 A 1330 L 1-4
22/02/15 VARSITY Oxford H L 1-3
28/02/15 League Dereham 2 H 1030 L 2-5
07/03/15 League Sudbury 1 A 1230 L 4-7
14/03/15 League Ely City 1 H 1030 W 3-0
21/03/15 League North Norfolk 1 A 1430

 

2014/15 Match Reports
22/11/14 Ely City 1s 0-7 Squanderers

Sat in the car park on a fair Wilby morning, the Squanderers contemplated what could possibly go wrong on such a perfect day. We all had a nagging feeling that everything was going just a little bit too well, with all the zipcars opening first time, and only Nikhil and Perry arriving slightly late to mar proceedings.

After a short drive we arrived at the pitch, only to find it had more patches than a tramps trousers. Comparisons were immediately made to the Catz Stadium of Dreams before it was re-laid – making Ely only the second worst pitch most of us had played on.

If anyone had thought to put Jim in their fantasy team (which no-one did), then the first half would have been an absolute dream. Moving through the Ely defence as easily as if he was taking a stroll through the cathedral, and finishing one bobbling ball on the reverse that flew past the keeper and reduced Manager Mr. Smith to tears of joy. Four goals in total before half time, and an undisputed unanimom.

In the second half Jim was kind enough to let other people have a go with the ball. Everyone had a go at goal, apart from me, because I’m still not allowed out of our half. All the forwards had numerous chances, though only Joe managed to find the net. Our defenders were more successful, Hugh following up after Cole’s shot was rebounded to slot in his first of the campaign, and Pete deciding that Oxford meant he should be flicking at the left post and taking all the glory for himself. Even Ely had a go, hitting their own crossbar in an almost textbook Botswana.

It wasn’t just the scoring goals that went well either. The transfer was generally much better than it has been, and the passing around midfield went to light blue sticks 95% of the time. No-one got yellow carded, and for the first time this season we kept a clean sheet. Lawrence ended the game without getting angry or stressed, and Pete is no longer suicidal.

MoM – Jim “Scores when he wants” Dickinson DoD – Matt “I guess since no-one else has done anything stupid this week so we’ll have to DoD him again” Diesel

15/11/14 Squanderers 2-3 Sudbury 1s

After a long Friday evening talking tactics and a promising performance against the Wanderers on Thursday, the Squanderers arrived at Wilby hopeful of ending their losing streak. Captain turned manager Lawrence’s impeccable attire was complimented by Squanderers, supporters, and opposition a like. The Sudbury manager was even quoted saying “I wish I could look more like you, you are an inspiration to all of us”.

A strong start saw the Ss enter the half time break 2-1 up thanks to goals from Joe “who knows what Shale did to him in that doorway” Allen and Sam “surprisingly not late this week” Westlake. Strong performances throughout the midfield helped the Squanderers control much of the half and it looked likely that 3 points were on the cards. However a lacklustre second half where the Ss never looked like threatening the Sudbury net led to two goals for Sudbury and a repeat of our favourite scoreline – a 3-2 loss! While a disappointing result the performance was undoubtedly improved on previous weeks.

Post match, a clearly jealous Pete Fletcher viciously attacked the Captain’s outstanding fashion sense, leading to a frankly ridiculous DoD. However, afterwards Pete was spotted begging Lawrence for fashion advice  – ever the gracious Captain, Lawrence found time to impart a few pearls of wisdom to his less trendy teammate.

Scorers – Joe and Sam

MoM – Joe Allen

DoD – Lawrence Smith

8/11/14 Dereham 2s 3-2 Squanderers

The Squanderes made the long trip to Dereham last Saturday. Or rather 10 men did; with multiple zip car fiascos and a poor choice in car distribution, 4 men, including keeper ‘Admiral’ Nelson, were stuck at Wilby. But all was not lost, an old but familiar squandering face would come to the rescue, with Ewan Duffin driving these stranded men to the match (and even making a  short redébut himself). Upon arrival it was obvious the besieged 10 men had done rather well, only being 1-0 down.

Before half time the scores were evened with a Sam Cole ‘drag flick’, which could only be described as flaccid, found its way in.

Confidence was high; Dereham looked tactically inept and slow, the Squanderers felt a win appraoching. Even with Matt Diesel demonstrating a lack of understanding of what being back 5 from his previous foul entails, and earning himself a yellow, the Squanderers looked the more attacking side. However, the basics just were not being performed well on a bouncy Dereham pitch, with far too many fouls relieving pressure in the oppositions 25 and a lack of control with the ball. An eventual second for Sam Cole was unfortunately followed by the return to the pitch of our infamous centre back who in a tangle managed to give the ball to there centre forward. 2-2.

With time running out the Squanderers were panicking and were unable to find another goal. Conceding a short in the dying moments was suboptimal and when this was struck at a height that clipped the top of the logging keepers pad and went in the roof, the squanderers could only wince. Was this too high? The umpires thought not 3-2. Full time followed shortly.

In keeping with the name, there was a great deal of squandering with this match and performances such as these are costly.

MOM – Sam Cole

DOD – Pete Fletcher

1/11/14 Squanderers 1-5 Ipswich 2s

This week the Squanderers played a home match against Ipswich 2s. After a bright and energetic start to the match with some beautifully creative runs of play, the Squanderers went one down due to a well-placed drag flick off of an Ipswich short corner. Although good hockey continued to be played creating an exciting match for those spectating, another two goals went in before the half time whistle was blow. It could easily have been more though if not for the incredible saves by Greg Nelson preventing goals from not one but two penalty flicks.

The second half was much a continuation of the first. Two more goals scored by the Ipswich side only being partially balanced by a goal scored by Botlhe More from a short corner. This lead to a score of 5-1 in Ipswich’s favour when the final whistle was blown. A disappointing result but many would agree a fair result against strong opposition. However the level of hockey played showed promise of greater success in weeks to come.

The misery of the day was quickly forgotten as the squanderers enjoyed a night of Squocktails. Consisting of Pete Fletcher’s (apparently famous) mixer and a variety of the classic drinking games while having a good laugh at the freshers turning up in black tie.

MoM – Greg Nelson

DoD – Joe Allen

25/10/14 City of Peterborough 4s 3-2 Squanderers

Ominous signs began the day. We became embroiled in heavy traffic with police cars and fire engines, sirens blaring, forging a path between the Squanderers convoy to the scene of an accident. Lawrence’s conviction that the emergency services had come to escort the Squanderer’s through the traffic jam was sadly misplaced and we were forced to take a time consuming diversion.

As a result we only had 5 minutes to warm up but we still managed a strong start, scoring two goals early in the first half. Memorably a stunning strike from Tom to flummox the Peterborough keeper.

Our joy was short-lived however for our game suffered from something of a crash as Peterborough came back to bring the scores level before half time. The winning smile of our captain and overlord Lawrence was wiped off his face particularly suddenly as a wayward ball knocked a tooth clean out.

Despite the exciting prospect of a future visit from the tooth fairy Lawrence was not amused. To add insult to injury a poor refereeing decision in the second half saw Peterborough go ahead 3-2. Lawrence’s fury hallowed back to the dictatorship of his predecessor, the ever angry Christopher Thomas. The score did not change further. Praise must go to Greg for some truly athletic saves to keep us in the running.

It may have been a frustrating loss but the match tea was tasty.

MoM- Greg Nelson

DoD- Sam Westlake

11/10/2014 Squanderers 1-1 March Town 1s

The squanderers won.

I know. I’m surprised as well.

Just as it looked like we would be grinding out draws every week until Christmas, we pulled it out the bag with a lot of flair and sweat.

Mostly flair.

Apart from the very dubious DoD decision, everything went to plan. We started strong (with something resembling a press), and ended with hockey that can only be described as beautiful. We absolutely dominated, but failed to capitalise on a number of opportunities in the D. A few wild swings kind of confirmed this to the opposition.

Norwich got off to a good start. They had a couple of very skilful players, who were only stopped by the brilliance of Peter and the other center-back. The home-ground advantage showed as well, with the bouncy pitch causing problems for everyone.

Norwich scored first. At least, I think that’s what happened. I wasn’t really marking and they had a man free at the top of the D. I’m not sure that’s actually the story but it sounds  believable… That’s pretty much what happens normally.

The squanderers first goal came from short corner+deflection that definitely was not Lawrence’s goal. Despite the new rules, we refuse to accept that Lawrence scored. It did not happen, and no one will complain because no-one apart from himself has Lawrence in the fantasy team. So if anyone asks, Lawrence did not score.

More on the other hand, did score. With a name that makes match reports a lot more confusing, it’s a good thing he did, or else I might have to talk about something else. All considered, a very promising result this far into the season. I know it’s late, and I can’t remember much of the detail, it’s still a great result.

IFLTS.

MoM – Alex Johnsen

DoD – Matt Diesel

04/10/2014 Squanderers 1-1 March Town 1s

March Town started strongly, bombarding the men at the back with some big aerials. A new look defence, weakened by Pete Fletcher’s demotion to the wanderers, struggled in the early morning sun, and some heroic efforts from Greg could only momentarily stop the onslaught, and the visitors went ahead midway through the first half.

The Squanders responded well, and Diesel continued his role as attacking centre back, surging forward and delivering a beauty of a ball to assist Dan Mehlig’s first goal for the Squanderers. Unfortunately the momentum was lost soon after the break, when fresher Matt Jervis thought that the Squanderers played at international level and took an aerial above his head. Nervous moments followed but some last ditch defending and keeping kept us in the game.

No doubt strengthened by Captain Smith finally getting a full team out, the Sqaunderers dominated the closing moments of the match, out running and out playing the opposition. But no winner could be found, and we’ll have to wait another week for the first win of the season.

For very dubious reasons, Hugh was given Dod and with it the new Dod police hat, which had somehow survived Wednesday’s trip to cindies.

Mom- Greg Nelson

Dod- Hugh Judge

27/09/2014 Squanderers 3-3Norwich Dragon 1s

With a 10:30 push back, the captain (Lawrence (St George) Smith) turning up fashionably late to his own warm up and our inability to watch the Ryder cup that morning we knew it certainly wasn’t going to be an easy match especially with no subs on the bench. The Norwich Dragons were a formidable side and came snarling at us early on. Few chances fell to either team in the opening stages and whilst certainly not comfortable in the beating morning sun both sides were pressing high looking for the early breakthrough. The dragons struck the first blow but unperturbed we rallied and pushed on until half time. With seconds left Jerry Cummins worked his way into the D and was cleanly tackled only for the ref to award us a penalty stroke. No complaints from Sam Cole who slotted in the Squanderers’ first goal of the season to level at 1-1.

Into the second half and we really started to feel our early season lack of both fitness and subs. Some sloppy play at the back cost us possession on numerous occasions however Pete Fletcher had a storming game preventing anyone from travelling beyond. At the back we finally realised, for the most part, that passing was key. Aside from Matt Diesel at times travelling beyond is role and pushing into midfield leaving a dangerous hole we continued to look lively. We conceded with another loose Dragon in the D glancing a second but this only got us thrusting forward harder. Penetrating deep into the Dragons rear we soon realised some excellent forward play with Jerry Cummins all over their D. His sublime reverse stick strike into the far right corner gave us hope and only moments later Sam Cole’s “was it in the D?” shot under the charging keeper left the dragons reeling and deeply wounded.

Sadly the Fairy-tale refused to repeat itself with the Dragons refusing to die and bouncing back with fresh legs from the bench to force yet another short corner which, whilst initial saved by Greg Nelsen, rebounded to the dragons stick for a simple chip low into the bottom left corner. The final result at 3-3 is certainly not to be sniffed at for a team yet to have any training together and the most bonding experience we’ve had to date being the post-match shower.

Whilst many of us struggled to walk away from that game with legs of lead and energy levels as low as our drinking tolerances last weekend we were happy with the earliest point in a Squanderers season for a number of years.

Back at the post-match tea Matt Diesel was awarded MoM despite his excellent ability to pass the ball to the opposition which can only be put down to his effort in the final 5 minutes of the game being the only thing people remembered from the game. James Perry was awarded DoD for his exquisite impersonation of a corpse the previous weekend.

MoM: Matt Diesel

DoD: James Perry

20/09/2014 Saffron Walden 2s 1-0 Squanderers

A new look Squanderers travelled to Saffron Walden on Saturday hoping to get of to a strong start for the season. With half the team forced to take public transport to get to the pitch, pre-match preparation was looking little sketchy. This was not helped by the Captains general forgetfulness and somewhat dodgy driving. These things aside we did have a full team for the first match of the season which is quite rare for the Squanderers.

The match started well with the Squanderers pressing hard and controlling possession. Some great saves from debut keeper Ed Blyth kept us in the match after some quick breaks from the Saffron Walden forwards.  Our lack of training together began to show later in the second half as space opened up in the midfield for Saffron Walden to attack in numbers. Even with some great scramble defence from centre backs Matt Diesel and Pete Fletcher the ball eventually found it’s way into the back of the Cambridge net. 1-0 Saffron Walden.

After an inspiring half time team talk from new Captain Lawrence, the Squanderers attacked with renewed vigour at the start of the second half. We produced many chances but new front three Rupert Grace, Sam Cole, and Dan Mehlig were unable to find that crucial last touch. As the final whistle blew the Squanderers found themselves with a last minute short corner. Unfortunately some confusion around the rules led to an anti-climactic end to the match. A loss for the Squanderers although with some promising signs for the future.

MoM – Sam Westlake for tireless work in the midfield

DoD – Lawrence for a multitude of sins

 

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2013/14
2013/14 Match Reports
01/02/14 Squanderers vs Cambridge City 3s (0-0)

On a dreary Saturday afternoon, a bunch of lazy students turned up at a windswept and damp hockey pitch to amble around for 70 minutes. The opposition was Cam City, so it should have been a nail biting local derby, townies vs gownies. Nail biting was not a good word to describe it (although neck biting might have been, right Will?), all the tension involved in the run up to V-day seemed to disappear on the whistle, as one of the least exciting games of the year began. This is the part of the match report where I should reel off the reams of chances and beautiful plays the squanderers did, and I would do, if there were any to write about. This game was nicely epitomised by Alex ‘lizard’ Quirk having our only shot on target during the whole game saved by a sprawling keeper. The action at the other goal was a more intense with the townies being denied by the woodwork, and on multiple occasions some fantastic saves from Greg ‘the goalie’ Nelson. The game became tense toward the end of the 70 because the townies piled on the pressure with a string of short corners. However, the solid back four, with MOM Alex ‘lost’ Mayes (recently promoted from the wanderers), stoically soldiered through these and managed to seal the 0-0 draw. Thankfully Old Boys was a bit more exciting…

DoD – Chris Thomas

MoM – Alex Mayes

25/01/14 Squanderers vs Pelicans (3-3)

The Squanderers faced the Pelicans this week, and we started well with Cian scoring early on, and then adding a second after Quirk’s destruction of the Pelicans’ left back. At half time we knew if we kept it tight at the back and kept up our domination of possession we could record our second successive win for the fans. Sadly, some guy decided to score 3 goals in about 5 minutes and we were 3-2 down. The Pelicans’ underhand tactics were succeeding, until one of their players got a yellow. The squanderers won a succession of shorts and the pressure told when Heskey completed his hat-trick. We had dominated for 65 minutes, so it was disappointing not to win, but if we can keep our discipline for the whole 70 minutes we should beat most teams in this league.

MOM – Will
DOD – Quirk

18/01/14 Squanderers vs Wisbech (5-3)

The Squanderers: A short story by Disney

It was a dark and stormy Saturday afternoon upon which the Squanderers entered the gloomy Wisbech castle in the centre of a grey Norfolk in the land of Far Far Away.

The battle-ground which stood before the team was a slippery one, covered in mud and the salty tears of those who had come and lost before. But the Squanderers were not afraid, clad in their bright blue armour, branded with the blazing crest that is the Cambridge lion, they leapt into the action.

The conflict began quickly, with an advantage immediately gained as Jack-Jack(played by Alex Johnsen) demonstrated his devilish and tricky nature to round the goalkeeper, only to be brought down whilst clear on goal. A short corner followed, and amongst the fray, the hyper active Aladdin (played by Pri Riyatt) managed to rub one out of his magic lamp and sweep in on a magic carpet of sexy hockey to poke the ball under the keeper to send the heroes 1-0 up.

For the next period, the Squanderers were in control, fighting hard with swords that looked suspiciously like hockey sticks. They earned a series of chances but failed to widen the gap against their experienced adversaries. The Wisbech army were not content to let the Squanderers dominate; a series of counter attacks which resembled those of Scar and his hyena forces quickly ensued, leading to a scrappy short corner goal. 1-1.

The rest of the half was played out with ping pong hockey which did not result in anything except shots which were tragically less accurate than the one that slew Bambi’s mother. However, the unchanged scoreline could largely be attributed to the dedicated work of Doc (played by Andy Argyle) as he scampered around singing Hi-Ho and constantly frustrated opposition attempts to counter again by steeling the ball with his Pick Axe.

Suddenly, respite! A gleaming horn, which sounded remarkably like a whistle, indicated a break in this raging contest. The squanderers gathered and Chicken Little (played by Captain Chris Thomas) gave an affluent and impassioned speech which struck the heart strings of the team twanging even more than Tramp’s (played by Mike Woodford) love stories of his Lady from Paris.

The battle recommenced.

Refreshed by half-time Wisbech quickly played past the defence to pick up a goal at the end of a well structured tactical assault. The mighty Squanderers reacted instantly though. The team attacked with wave after wave and finally a burst of what can only be described as running took Tinkerbell (played by Alex Quirk) round his opposite man to score a driven goal low onto the backboard which gave off billows of Pixie dust as contact was made. Just seconds after the restart the brilliant Randall (portrayed by Lawrence Smith) shape-shifted into Rapunzel and left the opposition tied up in his long flowing locks as he made a maze of intricate running patterns through their defence. Upon retransformation, he burst into the D to release a fire cracker of a shot that even Mulan’s native countrymen would have been proud to produce. The ball smashed off the blade of an opposition defender and into the roof of the net. Randall the hero, Squanderers 3-2.

Wisbech came back at the Squanderer army hard and fast, with a number of chances, but Hercules (played by Rob Foxall-Smith) did well to stop a number of close encounters by using his unexpected speed and strength to make some good saves whilst the opposition were clearly over-awed by his dashing good looks. Unfortunately, as the game drew on Wisbech cracked a ball into the D which was left by all. It trickled into the goal and as it was reached out for a 16, sleeping Beauty (played by the Umpire) called goal! The battlefield erupted with cries of incredulity as it looked as though the Squanderers may be robbed by a contentious decision. But the arbitrator held fast and a goal was awarded.

Heads hung low. The ‘poisoned apple’ red blemish of anger and embarrassment stained the face of every warrior, but as they lifted their chins towards the heavens, they were gifted a new lease of strength sent down from Olympus.

The squanderers passed slickly and piled the pressure upon the opposition barricade. Within moments, Tinkerbell picked up the ball and used some pixie magic to get round the outside of the opposition guards and into the castle of the D. She offloaded to long-time sweetheart, Peter Pan (played by Cian Naik), who managed to escape his shadow and poke home like a lost boy looking for a friendly hut to stay in after a night out. The crowd erupted, by which I mean to say the Squanderers did, as there was no crowd.

Complacency almost got the better of the heroes as a subsequent lapse in defence allowed Wisbech right back into the fray. Fortunately, Hercules timed his challenges well to frustrate Hedes attempts to breach his goal. Sharpened by a close encounter with disappointment, the Squanderers instantly responded with focus and determination. Gepetto (played by Alex Hearn) showed his skill as a master-craftsman and puppeteer to once again set up Aladdin to bag his second, a scoreline from which there was no return.

The game was won, the battle over, the marvellous Squanderers had savaged defeat with the mighty jaws of victory. They heroicly went to have a party at Alice’s Chateaux in the suburbs of Wonderland before moving off into the distance and living happily ever after.

DoD – Rob Foxall-Smith

MoM – Alex Quirk

30/11/13 Squanderers vs Cambridge Nomads (0-3)

Some of the team walked off the pitch at the end of the match this week elated at a hard fought 2-1 victory. This was until they were reminded that the 2 goals we’d scored were actually in our own net.

There’s not too much to be said about this weekend. What did happen was that we ventured into the outer reaches of Cambridge further than most of us had been before to take on the girl’s second team.

They were a pretty decent side to be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised to see them fighting for promotion at the end of the season. We started well however, holding an effective high press up the field to keep them penned in. The one time they did get out though the first of the unfortunate events happened, and we were 1 down. A sort of stalemate then broke out until half time, with neither side having many efforts on target.

The second half wasn’t an improvement really, the second unfortunate event happened soon after half time, and as tempers started to fray they smashed in another from a short corner.

I could have injected more humour into this report I guess, but instead have invested more time in my anger-management classes that I have been prescribed by other members of the squad. But hey at least I wrote the match report myself, right Mike?

MoM Pri (somehow), DoD Chris (unavoidably)

16/11/13 Squanderers vs Sudbury (4-1)

An early start and a Sudbury team was what lay in waiting for the Squanderers this weekend as they looked to continue their unbeaten streak and avoid a true relegation battle. The day couldn’t have started better for the home team, with half of the players enjoying the same delay that’s normally associated with London trains, sporting various excuses ranging from Charlie Fletchers need for someone to grip his stick to Rob F-S throwing his bike into the path of a rampaging taxi.

None though were more impressive than Chris Lark, who was as present throughout the day as a good Justin Bieber song.

After finally assembling a team, it was time to take to the pitch and it wasn’t long until we got lucky and slotted one in. Another soon followed, leaving the Squanderers in unprecedented territory this season – 2-0 up in nearly as many minutes.

With our hopes high for the first win of the season, we pushed on hoping for more. However, just like Mike ‘David Bowie’ Woodford’s Wednesday night, our hopes and best-laid plans went awry with the opposition landing a sucker-punch and finding the net after some good play/ bad defending from Captain ‘DB’ Thomas down the right wing.

Half time arrived, with the infamous score of 2-1 this time in our favour – we knew we had to secure the next goal to guarantee the win.

Fortunately, due to Quirk’s practice on Wednesday night of boxing hapless victims into a corner, our press was drastically improved and the pressure soon told, with Lawrence ‘Randall’ Smith proving that he likes stealing goals as much as children, making it 3-1.

With Will ‘the fag’ Archibold, so labelled by Alex Hearne for being compassionate towards the opposition, using a leg as lost as Rob F-S on a night out to flatten the Sudbury centre forward, things started to heat up. Cries of ‘Obstruction’ emanating from Charlie Fletchers mouth could be heard, though whether he was talking about the match or Quirks partnership with Pri in Fez was unclear. Both cases were however ignored, with the umpires and Pri both continuing with their game as though nothing had happened. Obviously Quirks offer of ‘power showers’ was going to be needed by some after the game.

A last flourish, a fourth goal and the final whistle left the squanderers delighted with their 4-1 victory, the first of the season and hopefully the beginning of a long-standing winning streak.

MOM: Conrad

DOD: Mike

09/11/13 Squanderers vs Norwich Dragons (2-2)

The well oiled squanderer machine rolled into Norwich this week, to take on a Dragons side which were third in the league. We started brightly, and dominated possession in the early stages, and created some decent chances, with Lawrence ‘child hater’ Smith consistently knocking on the door, but lacking his usual fear factor and penetration. Despite our territorial dominance, we lost a few goals on the counter attack. ‘You can’t win anything with kids’ – it seemed Hansen may have had a point. It was half time, 2-0 down but we knew with the Falcon circling up front we always had a chance. Suddenly, it was 2-1, a speculative ball into the D from Quirk causing mayhem in which the Falcon forced the error from the Dragons defence. Istanbul 2005 was on everybody’s minds as we moved into the final 20 minutes. The final quarter of the game was more intense than Pri’s sunday night, as we managed to get one on one several times but lacked the composure to finally stick it in. Then, out of nowhere, captain deutsche bank produced a telling intervention, crashing a ball through the dragon’s heart to Thorburn, who won a short, the crowd fell silent. We had practiced for this moment long and hard, but AJ decided to rip up the play book, and the history books, by drilling one into the corner. 2-2. Many thought we had won when Pri finally scored – but we were later informed this was after the final whistle. A point that gets us off the bottom of the table on goal difference, but a performance of far greater significance – our second half spirit showing we are ready to tear the East League Division 2 North a new one.

MoM – Pri
DoD – Quirk

02/11/13 Squanderers vs Bury St Edmunds (4-4)

After an intense warm-up the Squanderers were all set for what has been acclaimed “the biggest game of the season” (as was the one before that, and coming to think of it the one before that!) All that energy seemed to disappear as soon as the whistle blew and the Squanderers remembered they had to meet at 9:15 on a SATURDAY!?!?! This resulted in some shoddy play, with Capn’ miss-receiving an excuse of a pass from Pri, compounded by fresher centre back Will being unable to stop a hockey ball, leading to an embarrassing opening goal in the first 2 minutes.

This acted as a wakeup call, resulting in some much better play from the home side, and consequently they acted on their training and finally “upgraded” in the opponents D to a short. This was amusingly converted by Randall/The Child Hater/Lawrence who adopted the tactic of confusing the keeper with his lack of shooting pace. However the outcome was the same; the squanderers had levelled!

With 1-1 being the half time score some of the Squanderers were beginning to envisage the dreaded 2-1 loss that had plagued the last 2 games, however after an absolute corker of a half time team talk from the coach and captain they set about the second half in style. One of the opposition kindly left a hit into the D for Cian to gracefully convert with a stunning deflection (all due to Dave’s fantastic training!).

This however was a momentary high as it all began to go downhill. One of the key incidents in this monumental decline was two defenders (namely Macca and Chris) trying recreate a moment from one of the training sessions earlier in the week where the newbie Will (unsurprisingly awarded DOD) managed to run headlong into a stationary Andy. What ensued was a lot of laughter from all others than the involved, Macca with a black eye, and the opponents winning the ball. This led to some abysmal short corner defending from the post man Will and Rob the keeper, with the first goal going between the two and the other managing to defy physics and literally pass trough Rob?!

With any normal team this turn in fortune would drop their heads, but the Squanderers are no normal team, they have Quirk on their team… For some reason he decided that dropping his head wasn’t enough so he began dropping his whole body when carrying the ball. For some reason this seemed to catch on and Perry also tried to get in on the falling over action. Unsurprisingly this led to a number of opportunities for the opposition, who managed to convert one which saw Rob diving back to his line in vain to try and swat away a looped ball.

At 4-2 down with 10 to play, it looked like a hopeless task. However a rising star in the team, Aj (posthumously awarded MOM) took it on himself to spur the rest of the squad, and began a 10 minutes which will go down in the history of the Squanderers. Some smooth transitions up the field, combined with some great leads from the forwards led to the winning of some shorts. These were converted in textbook training ground style; firstly an Oxford from Aj to the back post which was smoothly deflected in by Cian to net his second, and finally a well work England slap which was deflected by Hearne (the workhorse of the midfield) to level it.

At this point the Squanderers were on the up, carrying the momentum and sniffing out the win. So Captain Chris, in his infinite wisdom (potentially bought on by his personal incident with Macca), decided that tackling the opposition with various body parts was a sensible idea, especially whilst in and around his own D. This led to a nail biting finish, with the opposition having the final play of the game in a short. The back 4 though had learnt from their mistakes and the terrifying combination of Andy running 1 and Macca 2 lead to the Squanderers saving the draw at the last.

Our inspiring Captain left us with these words: “We have an infinite more number of points than we started the day with, which is good”, which perfectly sum up the progress we have made. We have points on the board and our season starts now.

26/10/13 Squanderers vs Ipswich (1-2)

This week the Squanderers had the honour of travelling to Ipswich, the birthplace of Ralf Fienes/Voldemort. The team were hoping that with a wave of Johnny G and McLean magic they could conquer the evil spirits that have haunted recent performances. Changes to this weeks side included debutants Will Archibald (don’t talk to him, he rows) and Sam Westlake. It also saw the return of Mike Woodford, who had been too busy being a home wrecker with the freshers to make previous games. However, the biggest story of the week was that the Squanderers have been harbouring a child-hater in the form of Lawrence “Randall” Smith. It remains unclear how many victims there have been during his time at the club.

Back to the hockey…

On arrival at Ipswich Hockey Club, we were presented with a muddy pitch marked out lines just visible. Buzzing with excitement over this sublime playing surface the Squanderers enthusiastically got about their warm up.

After sloppy starts to matches in recent weeks, Chris mesmerised the team into a state of pure focus and concentration through some carefully selected words. This translated into an exuberant start by the Squanderers with some slick transfers and penetrating passing. One particular invasion of the Ipswich defence had Quirk (fresh from being fired by Rothschild) maze down the right, hitting Cian (who kindly took a break from his fast food marathon to be with us) on the baseline, he then in turn played the dream ball back across goal for Sam to sweep in. 1-0, the Squanderers were leading in a game for the first time in a month. Chris shed a tear of joy.

Unfortunately though, the lead was snatched away ten minutes later after Ipswich capitalised on a quick free hit and the teams went into half time one a piece.

The second half started off as a rather scrappy affair, with neither side capable of playing a clinical ball in the attacking quarter. The decisive moment occurred when Pri (who also must be congratulated for his recent expedition to the summit of a bus shelter, and commiserated with for his attempts to get back down) received a yellow card for a professional “foul”. The numerical advantage allowed Ipswich to apply some pressure and force a very much undeserved goal.

With 11 men back on the field the Squanderers dominated the last fifteen minutes, but a lack of composure saw multiple chances go begging. Final score 1-2, and not even the best showers in the east leagues could raise spirits. But as the great Harvey Dent once said…

‘The night is darkest just before the dawn,

and I promise, the dawn is coming.’

Goals: Sam Westlake

MOM – Makka

DOD – Pri

19/10/13 Squanderers vs Cam city 3's (1-2)
[Sung to the theme of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air]

 

Now this is a story all about how,

The Squanderers weekend happened to turn out,

So I’d like to take a minute just sit right there,

I’ll tell you how we played and how it all went.

 

Over in West Cambridge where hockey is played,

Cam City were the foe for last Saturday,

We warmed up well and hit some balls,

And the game got under way when the umpire called.

But they were organised and their players were good,

They started making trouble in our neighbourhood,

They got a little bit of space and the Squanderers got scared,

But some counters and some saves showed off this Uni’s flair.

 

Umps whistled for half-time and when the next half drew near,

the Squanderers finally looked like they slipped into gear,

It felt for a moment that this must be rare,

We were right; cheap goal; 1-0; nightmare.

They scored one more goal after about 7 or 8,

We got one back but then the whistle – a frustrater.

We looked at the scoreboard,

A loss was shown there,

We headed back – heads high – towards the show-airs

MoM Alex Mayes. DoD Quirk (I think) – we couldn’t let him do the match report again.

12/10/13 Pelicans vs Squanderers (5-1)

The squanderers enjoyed a lie in on Saturday with a strangely late push back meaning we didn’t meet until most other teams had at least started their games. Ross was particularly keen to practice his forward leads before push back with some questionable lane changing seemingly to try and lose the other cars.

The pitch had been heavily sanded, watered and generally slimed as to the Pelicans liking, making the slick pass and move hockey which (will become) the Squanderers hallmark nigh on impossible. The warm up was completed with some professionalism, which was duly removed from the first 10 minutes of the actual game in which we handily gave away two goals through simple defensive mistakes. The rest of the first half wasn’t really that memorable.

Quirk continued the good form seen in his mid-week exploits in the second half, producing a MoM worthy performance full of intensity and power. Captain Chris took the intensity a step too far however and after being nudged by an opposition defender threw a tantrum, earning a well-earned rest on the bench for 10 minutes following an argle-bargle with the umpire.

This did not deter the Squanderers however, with Quirk’s low push into the corner of the net upgraded to a short corner for a prior infringement. Kudos to Dave McLean for the following short corner routine though, producing the Squanderers only goal, coming from a disputed touch off a defender; but with the ball in the net for the first time in 3 games I guess we’ll take it. Greg was again quality, and Makka provided stability at the back; Cameron and Conrad had good debuts too. The effort largely can’t be questioned, and continued focus on gelling as a team should bring rewards in future weeks.

MoM Alex Quirk

DoD Chris Thomas

05/10/13 Wisbech Town 2s vs Squanderers (4-0)

The Squanderers hosted Wisbech Town 2s this weekend at Wilby. After the missed opportunities of last week we were looking for an improved performance up front in order to capitalise on the chances that we created. We didn’t start well, however, and after losing an early goal to Wisbech we seemed to get our heads down. We once again began to create good chances through the endeavours of Peri and Cian up front which were unfortunately not converted, the team once again living up to its name. Going forward we often looked fluent and forced short corners which we failed to score from, something which I’m sure will improve when we have a more settled routine later in the season. At the back, we were often strong, with another towering performance from Nemanja Fletcher. The improved positioning of Chris and James at half back meant that the outletting from 16s was much improved. We were unlucky to concede more goals in the second half, when we began to dominate the centre of the pitch, meaning that the final result of 4-0 wasn’t a fair reflection of the match up of the two teams. Near the end of the game I was yellowed for a Charlie Fletcher-esque challenge while running back to prevent a counter attack, we knew the game was up. Another performance from the Squanderers which promised so much but where we fell at the final hurdle once again as our search for consistent goalscorers continues. The raw materials are all there, but more polish needs to be added to our performances both in matches and in training if we are ever to challenge the might of Wisbech Town in future.

MoM – Greg Nelson

DoD – Alex Quirk

28/09/13 Spalding vs Squanderers (2-0)

I think it’s fair to say that not much went right for the Squanderers on our away trip to Spalding. The 9am meet time was a painful one, and this was made infinitely worse for some members of the team by Lawrence’s slavish obedience to the speed limit, and feeble attempts at overtaking a lorry which left a mile long queue of traffic in his wake. When we arrived it immediately became clear that our day was not going to improve, upon entering the Spalding ‘facilities’ and trying to fill up my water bottle I almost fell through the floor. Things certainly didn’t improve on the pitch, as we were completely outplayed by a Spalding side with surprisingly few of the sluggish old men who normally grace the Squanderers league.

We struggled to get into the game in the first half and lost some early goals through our own mistakes in playing the ball directly to our opponents in dangerous areas. We could have been punished more heavily were it not for the heroics of deserved MoM Greg Nelson. There were few outlets available for Pete Fletcher and Lawrence Smith in defence as the midfield struggled to make an impact on the game.

However, the second half was a much improved performance with many positives that can be taken with Charlie Fletcher and Louis Williams leading the line effectively and creating chances, but unfortunately with little reward, as we lost more goals to a Spalding side who were effective on the counter attack. Our press was also much improved in the second half, forcing errors from the Spalding defence which lead to chances which we were unable to convert.

The icing on the cake was provided by summer signing James Usmar, whose cynical foul in receiving the ball above his shoulder resulted in him taking a deserved early bath.

Overall, a day to forget for the Squanderers, but certainly with some positives to take into next weekend.

MOM – Greg Nelson

DOD – Alex Quirk

21/09/13 Squanderers vs Norwich City 2s (3-4)

The Squanderers began the new season against newly promoted Norwich City 2s despite the best efforts of new captain Chris Thomas, whose seeming last minute nerves saw strategic attempts to get the match cancelled. 4 CUHC debuts were observed however: Chandar Lal between the posts, half backs James Usmar and Ross Elsby, and the energetic Jeremy Sharman up front (also a notable re-debut also for the newly outfield player codenamed ‘Geoff’ Morrison.)

The Squanderers started the match uncharacteristically well, with the pace of inside forwards C Fletch and Quirk providing problems for the Norwich defenders. The high intensity led to the opening goal for Sharman, a tap in after good work across the top of the D. With Alex Hearne pulling the strings in the middle of the park the pressure continued and the advantage was increased by MoM C Fletch with a scintillating finish from 4 yards out. After looking comfortable 2 up the Sq.’s relaxed and Norwich duly went up the other end twice before half time; both goals coming from short corners which were awarded with worrying frequency.

The Sq.’s again made the better start to the second half, a well worked move starting with left half and unknown Mr Speed Ross Elsby resulting in another stunning tap in for C Fletch giving us the lead. Tiredness became an ever growing factor given the dearth of subs and Norwich began to show a greater potency on the counter attack; lazy sticks again resulting in a short corner eventually converted for 3-3. Despite Quirk’s best efforts to help to the opposition with some accurate long balls into our own D the Sq.’s remained competitive, until a further Norwich breakaway in the closing stages saw the points slip away.

Special mention to all the boys who travelled back to Cambridge for this fixture to be played at all, and a lot of positives to be taken forward from what was only the first game.

Goals: C Fletcher x2, Jeremy Sharman

MoM: Charlie Fletcher

DoD: Chris Thomas

2012/13
2012/13 Match Reports
9/2/13 Cambridge University Squanderers vs Harleston Magpies 3 (1-2)

The day as Xav saw it

Was that Charlie’s car we just passed at that farm shop, why was he pointing a small deer in the field and handing over a twenty? This looks like the place. Ah good, Fred’s car is already here.

Right our push back, here we go….

Headley has just missed that ball because he was talking to their captain, what a muppet. Ok, I’ll put lark centre forward and move Headley to the wing. That might give us the edge we need. Wait, why is Lark crying…

Can’t believe Fred just missed that absolute sitter. I bet if Telly were still here he would have banged that in.

Half time, 0-0, could have been worse.

Fuck, 1-0, the arrogance to put the flick down the middle.

Right, we need a goal. I’ll push Jonny up higher and then move Richard out wide and now Lark has cheered up, I’ll put him on for Headley.

Go on Laurence, their captain is talking to Lark, take it round the keeper, now put in it. 1-1. Brilliant

2-1. Final score. I am so annoyed. I feel like doing something outrageous and crazy to vent my anger….

The day as the Harleston captain saw it.

He comes the first car, the driver looks like a bit of a legend….why is the kid in the back pretending to drum.

Fuck, their push back, here we go…

Why is this nob telling me how much he drinks and what does he mean by scholars dinner. Ha, he just missed that pass…mug. Hold on, he is moving position. I now got to mark this pretty boy, doesn’t look that difficult, if I say one nasty thing about his hair he’ll probably cry.

That good looking chap just missed an absolute sitter. I bet if that balding, poorly dressed, round headed lad for last year was still playing he would have slotted it.

Half time, 0-0, could have been worse.

1-0, completely fucked that flick up, meant to go top right. Anyway a goal’s a goal.

They probably could do with a goal. Lot of people moving about, ah, here comes pretty boy again.

“..and I don’t like your shoes and I think your shorts are funny looking…”. 1-1. My bad.

2-1. What a win, they were definitely the better team. Why has their captain just not put the cap back on that water bottle? It is bound to leak…

24/11/12 Cambridge University Squanderers vs Norwich Dragons (2-2)

Saturday the 24th of November saw the squanders take on the best that the fiery Norwich Dragons could assemble. Off the back of a stunning win against UEA the previous weekend, the mob gathered at Wilby with a certain air of expectance, the threat of late fines still ringing in their ears. There was barely time for Oli to tell everyone about the various animals he sodomized in the last seven days before Felix whipped the rabble into a raucous warm-up.

Thoroughly warmed up and ready for action, a fresh faced Squanders outfit took to the field minus a few big names up front. Tricky on-pitch conditions ensured a tense few first plays. A substantial down pour the previous night had left the hallowed turf slippier than Oli’s hand during one of his numerous farm visits. Nevertheless, the technically superior squanderers dominated possession throughout the first half, but it was the dragons who took the lead through a well worked counter attack.

The squanderers equalised soon after, when a dubious p-flick was converted by Matt Murray. The keeper, so sold by the depth of those blue eyes he logged long before the flick was taken. Mid- way through the second half, a lofty arial caught Xavier by surprise, the ball rolling through into the path of a talented Dragon, who dispatched the dimpled sphere past the rapidly approaching keeper. Minutes later an expertly crafted play from the squanderers cut the Dragons defence apart, leaving Chris Larkin to level the scores.

Robinson’s own Tim Headley had three 1-on-1 chances to grant the squanderers the lead, (Insert your own ‘fail to finish pun here’) but was unable to convert. Unfortunately, Oli Shale struggled late on in the second half, often finding the balls getting stuck around his feet, offering the excuse he ‘hadn’t seen action in months’, whatever that means. After a frantic last few attempts the final whistle was blown leaving the boys in blue having failed to break the scrambled Dragons defence.

Despite the disappointing result, the after match banter flowed. Everyone was taken by surprise, though, when Headley decided to reveal his next potential research project, and I quote ‘whether it was gay or not if you cloned yourself and had sex with it’. As an un-judgmental team, the Squanderers were reserved in their response and only repeatedly fined the obviously confused Headley. Malicious lies spread by a certain Aryan, Veterinarian defender with three nipples, dominated the fine circle thereafter, the team so surprised they could hear him from so far up Fred’s arse they allowed the lies to gravitate into mock reality.

And so Dod was decided for another week, the boys in blue dispersed back to their various colleges awaiting the excitement of another week in Cambridge.

17/11/12 Cambridge University Squanderers vs UEA (4-1)

After a perilous journey, with cars spinning and skidding on roundabouts, water-soaked tyres needing some inflation and music without words, the Squanderers arrived at ‘UEA’. Having heard numerous rumours about the beauties of Norwich city, it was mildly disappointing to arrive at the University of East Anglia, an area not renowned for its architecture. Leaving our motor-cars behind, we immediately embarked upon our own individual pre-match routines in the changing room; Jonny and Oli cracking jokes, Deadly asking the reception if they sold alcohol in the drinks dispensers, Fred beaming out ‘jazz-funk’ from his retro speakers and Xav, once again, struggling to stay awake. The match began abruptly. Cambridge clinched two early goals including an excellent back post finish by
Lawrence Cook. With Jonny leading the forward press like Braveheart and Tim Headley, with his trademark footsteps, bounding around the pitch, like a raging centaur, the opposition naturally began to crumple under severe pressure. Jonny was in fact lucky to get away with release of a stream of verbal abuse at the umpires for a dangerous tackle. That wouldn’t be the first time he’s had a run in with the authorities for bad language this week. At the back, the Squaderers were looking like a fortress, with exceptional tackling from Pete (suffering from facial injuries which can only have been inspired by the new Twilight movie), Makka and the debutant; Oli. Cambridge, plagued with illness and injury, had two unlikely casualties mid-way through the first half: the ever-dependable Xav Dialdias and Fred W-H were suffering from indigestion. The ‘arm-wrestle’ that was, this hockey match, was clearly too much for Haffenden, who was recovering from fisty-cuffs on Wednesday night when (and I quote) he was ‘punching way out of his league’. Let’s hope the final round was better than that of his last outing in the ring. Cue the arrival of ‘driving’ substitute Fletcher. UEA started to get a foothold in the match (especially in midfield) and towards the end of the first half, the match became more evenly balanced.
Let’s just say, I’m rather gutted Varsity is at Oxford this year… Inspirational words at half time rallied the troops and the second half saw a new-look Squanderers side up the tempo and take the game away from UEA. The stream of substitutes contributed heavily to the speed at which we were able to play. With Rich and Guy darting up the flanks, we scored another two goals, taking the game out of the grasp of our opposition. As the second half developed, our hockey improved dramatically with crisp transfers across the back causing UEA to tire. Well done to Makka and Pete – keep the good passing up! Regrettably, we let one of their players through the net at the end of the game. So, here ends the tale. What a spending game of hockey and what a charming opposition. 4-1 seemed a fair result. Congratulations to all the team. Was a shame not to see you at fitness this morning Deadly. Judging by your lack of attendance, my
thoughts go out to; a) Addenbrookes and b) any lacrosse girl.
Scorers: Jonny, Deadly, Lawrence, Ed.
Assists: C.Fletcher x 4
MOM: Jonny
DOD: C Fletcher

10/11/12 Cambridge University Squanderers vs Pelicans (6-4)

The Squanderers traveled away this week to take on the Pelicans. On arrival we were surprised to find that their astro resembled something halfway between swamp and a bog. You can imagine that a certain Squanderer with a penchant for grappling with swamp-creatures felt very at ease in this environment.

The warm up was short but covered all the necessary parts of the body. Tracksuits were off and it seemed that captain Xav was keen to get stuck in and wanted everyone to rise to the occasion. We started out slow, delicately slapping balls round the back for a while, in very teasing for way the opposition. However, this side-to-side technique became a little predictable and we had to try a few different positions in order to get the desired penetration up front. Birthday-boy JP finally showed us how its done effortlessly sliding in, to powerfully release his shot into the goal, much to everyone’s delight.

After this initial tension, Pelican’s really started to get into their swing and push back against the forward thrusts being sent their way. This intense toing and froing went on for a while before substitute forward Grace managed to sneak his stick between the keeper’s legs and poke home into the Pelican’s goal.

With the score at 2-0, it has to be said that the Squanderers had not learned from previous mistakes of reaching their peak embarrassingly early and then just lying back to relax, seen in the home fixture last week against Dereham which left a nasty taste in everyone’s mouth. Pelicans managed to score twice before half-time as Cambridge started to get loose, and cracks started to appear at the back.

Captain Xav’s team talk directed us to use softer hands when we made the first touch and make sure that we were using both hands when we came into contact with bigger tackles. Fred Haffenden, who has often left us wondering which team he plays for, had great ball-skills in this game and was able to squeeze into the tightest of gaps. However, he proved unable to finish and end his dry run in front of goal.

The squanderers were definitely on top for the majority of this encounter and were seemed to be really enjoying it at times. In spite of the protection provided by the keeper, the multiple shots, some of them launched from an impressive distance (Lawrence Smith) and others squirted out from close range at the last minute (Grace, Headley) proved overwhelming for the opposition keeper and Cambridge were really pummeling the Pelicans now at 6-2.

However, The Pelicans refused give up. One particular striker kept coming at the Cambridge defense. Pete Fletcher was convinced that he could beat him off for the rest of the game, however, he couldn’t and Chris was given the responsibility of cleaning up the mess. The score ended at 6-4 to the Squanderers which was satisfying for us, but that’s not to say that we weren’t left feeling a little sore after getting so soft and sloppy at the back at times.

Goals: JP, Headley (2), Rupert (3)
MoM/DoD: Rupert

3/11/12 Cambridge University Squanderers vs Dereham (3-3)

This week the Squanderers and Rupert had their second home fixture of the term. The team took no leaves out of Rupert’s book as we hoped to convert this fixture into a successful one and not have Dereham bail on us half way through claiming they were ‘off games’.

The match started well, albeit slightly earlier then some members thought, and it was not long before Jonny netted us our first goal. We were looking sharp. Charlie’s skills were on a par with David Luiz, Hearne’s face was scar free and Makka’s touch on the ball even exceeded that of Pete’s touch on unsuspecting kids last Friday night. Things were good.

Dereham then hit back at the Squanderers. Unforced errors started creeping in and the team found themselves feeling the pressure. Soon the score was to be 1-1.

In the second half the team pushed hard and eventually a goal was scored. Numerous chances followed for our forwards but sadly Headley, carrying on his form from Sunday night, just could not finish.

One more Squanderer goal and everything looked as though it was falling into place. Unfortunately then, Hearne took a blasted, attention seeking hockey ball to the head. While Charlie went to Fletch an ambulance Derham saw their chance, slipping two quick goals past a depleted Squanderer team. The match finished a draw. Yet again the Squanderers had let victory slip through their hands.

This is the Squanderers signing out. Hearne if you want to know how to deal with picking up a bad looking gash here’s Tom Elliot’s number ****.

Mom; Jonny (6), Charlie (3), Guy (4)

Dod; Fred, CAM

20/10/12 Cambridge University Squanderers vs Spalding (1-1)

With Halloween fast approaching the Squarderers were looking for a sepc-Dracula performance, against a Spalding team Witch had been recently promoted.

Lead out by the ever sleepy in the bedroom and best looking player in the team, Xav, the Squanderers looked strong for the first ten minutes. There were numerous chances created and only good goalkeeping and a thick bed of leaves kept the scores at 0-0. For the remainder of the second half the team looked a little weak in areas and only some quick saves from inappropriate handed Rob kept us from going behind. Finally, seconds before the break, a short was won by some legend. The team piled forward. Tension was building…****

The goal wasn’t pretty, but neither was that girl Tom Elliot got with on Thursday night, and he wasn’t complaining, so neither did we. And so once again Rupert walked away with a truly dis-grace-ful goal.****

The second half started as the first half did, not literally. Tom and Pete were solid at the back and the midfield were looking good, but not good enough to be voted in the top three fittest members of the team apparently.  Unfortunately one moment of carelessness allowed Spalding to grab a goal back. The rest of the game was full of half chances from both teams and the final whistle went at the end of the match.****

All in all a close match, but one in which the 3 points should have been achieved.****

Mom- Makka(6), Guy(5), Jonny (1) Dod – Fred, CAM

20/10/12 Cambridge University Squanderers vs Harleston Magpies (3-2)

It was a rather early start for the Squanderers, meeting at the fortress at some ungodly hour, but at least able to take comfort in the fact that Harleston had just been to Norway and back to get here. Knowing they were sitting at the bottom of the table, we were aiming for nothing but a win and set out with that intention. Quick passing and good leads meant the men in blue had most of the possession and pretty much all of the territory in the first half. However, the Harleston defence held solid and the score remained 0-0 until fairly near half time. In what must have been their second or third venture into our half, Harleston evidently got confused at the unfamiliar territory, and it was during this confusion that Barney and Jonny pounced to give the Squanderers the lead with a well worked counter attack.

The start of the second half was an entirely different affair. Gone was the good play we had grown accustomed to, and were it not for a Harleston player’s definition of 5 yards being about 30cm the scores would have been levelled soon after. From the 16 which followed we managed to give the ball straight to their centre forward who crumbled under the pressure of a 1on1 and put the ball wide. However, it was not long until Harleston pulled level. This was the spark we needed to sort ourselves out. We took the lead again with a dubious back stick from Rupert, and another goal from Guy after a series of scrappy play around their D ensured we survived to win 3-2.

13/10/12 Cambridge University Squanderers vs -

No report.

6/10/12 Cambridge University Squanderers vs Bourne Deeping (3-0)

Friday lunchtime and Xav makes an innocent mistake with the opposition team name, but gets every other piece of useful information right. In today’s uneventful, boring Cambridge world, mistakes like this are DoDable. It’s not like a certain Mr Headley threatened to permanently impair our short corner routines in absence following some extreme reckless behavior involving a urinal. Anyway.

We were playing Bourne Deeping (not Norwich Dragons – though they did call themselves the dragons), top of the league and what appeared to be a staunch test to a Squanderers side that was looking to find some stability. Our first obstacle however came in the form of poor shirt admin. The squanderers play in black and so do apparently Bourne Deeping (but not Norwich Dragons). Using initiative and courage that I think should be rewarded, the captain boldly groveled to the Blues begging for their blue shirts. Covered in fresh blood and smelling like sewer rats, we would need all the self-discipline we could to take our minds off the smell of shirt number 2 and on to the game (DoD reasons are now a little clearer)

But put our head in the game we did and the match started in what can only be described as a massacre. The squanderers touch was soft, the leads convincing and the shots threatening. With opportunity after opportunity, it was only a matter of time until we were 2-0 up: one simple yet deadly sweep by Ed Atkins following a well-worked Telly cross, and the other a Mike Staddon push into the bottom left corner. The game was well under our control, and though if memory serves, they managed to obtain one unsuccessful penalty corner, strong movement around the back prevented them from finding their opportunities.

The second half saw the performance take a hit. Bourne Deeping started using a half court press to which our back four could not understand. Our balls through the middle were intercepted and it was getting very congested in the middle of the pitch. Though they were not making any chances, neither were we. A late tactically topped shot from a short corner by Lawrence Smith however secured our 3-0 victory.

Though a MoM performance by Chris and a solid redebut by Argyle were highlights of the match, in my opinion the hard work of the centres and the leads of the forwards meant that Bourne Deeping didnt really stand a chance right from the off. Well played boys and fucking well done

MoM-Chris Thomas -3
Mike Staddon -2
Lawrence Smith -1
DoD-Xav

29/09/12 Cambridge University Squanderers vs Bury St Edmunds 1

Redesigned and recalibrated from last week’s unjust loss to a strong city side, the squanderers hit the pitch with a new sense of purpose. Like a rusty machine breaking off the chains of its past the defensive press was initiated with perfect precision placing a skilful Bury St Edmunds’ side.

The revamped attack of Barney, Ed and Louis forced an early change of possession in the 25 and a fruitless attack unfortunately kept an empty scorecard. The rusty press was however a little temperamental and a scrappy short corner was cracked passed reinforcement goalie Greg into the backboard. Then a brief counter attack was halted by a filthy body check on centre forward Telly.

This early humiliating punishment was rapidly countered with a beautiful attacking cross by Telly easily slapped in at the far post. Telly handicapped from a copious amount of alcohol in his Croatian adventures failed to deliver the enthusiasm and energy in the press leading to gaps opening up for the opposition to exploit. However a tight midfield marshalled by temper tantrum Fred blocked and distributed creating beautiful moves, eventually delivering a clear ball to one handed magician

Telly whose crafty goal was snatched away from him at the last moment by the poacher Deadley. This moment was followed by nearly 5 minutes of constant possession and free flowing moves by a clinical and precise squanderers machine. The Squanderers once more had a momentary lapse of concentration once more allowing for a scrappy opposition goal. This was a half dominated by a strong squanderers side that somehow lay level at half time despite vastly superior hockey.

This injustice was not long to last and, fuelled by the essential half time sweets curtsey of Xav, the squanderers hit the pitch with pace. 6 pass moves becoming the norm, the Squanderers darted round unhindered by a nearly invisible Bury St Edmunds team. This all culminated in a simple one two passing manoeuvre between Barney and Louis, resulting in a beautiful top of the D finish. The half continued, subs watching on in amazement as inspirational passing manoeuvres cut the defence to shreds and a one sided possession game ensued. Now traumatised by the press at every level of defence the frantic Bury side attempted countless aerials in the vain hope of success yet to no avail. A final finishing blow delivered with the last crafted goal and

Bury’s fate was sealed and the beginning of the Squanderers conquests has begun and as a wise man once said success leads to expectation, yet I am confident in fact certain that at this rate the Squanderers will surpass any target and surpass all expectations!

Fletcher 3, Cummings 2, Hearne 1

22/09/12 Cambridge University Squanderers vs Cambridge City 3's (0-1)

Hungry for some points after a narrow and unfortunate loss at the start of the season, a fresher Squanderers team started fast out of the slips. A midfield reinforced with the arrival of fresher Alex Hearn sought early on to run rings round a cumbersome Cambridge City midfield with a few razor passes cutting holes in the City midfield and delivering the ball to a fresher “Deadley”er strike force, which was sadly less accurate or precise then hoped and a lack of collective game time showed through with errant passes and a few too many 1 pass moves. The strike force followed with a few fairly disorderly presses, which unfortunately transferred the ball to the City midfield, chasing back valiantly, yet as we all know ball moves faster than human.

 

Our defence, under pressure from an onslaught of attacking phases City at the front, offered the Squanderers much hope through a solid and consistent defence of the D with Pete “the wall” Fletcher denying all strikers safe passage winning 16’s and free hits from any who entered the D. The few shots that passed the defence stopped by agile Stuart Cummings who appeared to have as many hands as an octopus denying any stray hits squeezed passed the defence. A couple of short corners were denied with ease by a controlled defence. Attempts to deliver the ball from defence to the core midfield were thwarted frequently due to lack ofmatch practice together, however this flaw is certain to be corrected with more training. The similar transition between midfield and the forwards was unfortunately thwarted despite man of the match nominee Charlie Fletcher’s rapid darting runs and the superhuman reach of old man Tom. Overall this was a close first half with few opportunities and a strong performance from City.

 

Energized by the refuelling sweets at half time, the superior fitness of the Squanderers started to make a difference. Although the team as a whole continued to attempt 1 pass match winning moves, the midfield and attack appeared to be finding new ways to harass and threaten the City D. Lightens fast runs being made by a newly co-ordinated strike force, led by a newly confident Deadley flanked by a whippy Tom Scrase and the arrival of the fresher legs of Louis Williams, began to offer a few threatening multi pass moves. A skilful move into the D by Deadley collecting a pass mid-air to deliver a sharp shot into the back of the net, unfortunately this well-deserved goal was denied by a trigger happy umpire granting Deadley a short half a second before the ball graced the back of City’s net. The Squanderers narrowly missed the following short with a well-oiled corner, all signs of a bright Squanderers future. In the response the Squanderers were delivered a lightening counter strike with our Captain Xav Dialdas leading by example putting his body on the line to blunt City’s attack, spilling blood over the pitch. Unfortunately Xav had to tactically retreat to the subs bench in light of injury sustained in the Squanderers cause. Lawrence Smith ever versatile plugging the gap in defence. A well worked attack down the left wing delivered the Squanderers another chance with a textbook hit to far post from fresher Louis to a perfectly positioned Tom Scrase who taking nearly all the pace of the ball deflected it goalwards and in Matrix style suspense the whole team waited as the ball span towards the goal deflecting off the far post. The team in a moment of stupor clumsily let the fast response of city squeeze and ugly, undeserved goal passed the defence with only 2 minutes to go. A impossible point to take back the game many would say, yet impossible is a word no Squanderer understands. Macca with unexpected precision launched an aerial over a tight press to deliver the ball to the stick of Deadley, denied after dribbling round 3 City stalwarts. Then in the closing minute of the game Deadley a lone forward was delivered a last scrappy pass. Passing 6 people with an unorthodox, yet effective dribble, stuck alone the ball was lost and an unfair, unfortunate result was stamped upon history. With more work on passing and game play the Squanderers show the potential which can drag them towards promotion.

15/09/12 Cambridge University Squanderers vs Ipswich (1-2)

The squanderers reunited for the first match of the season on saturday eagerly sniffing after a few points to kick off the league. Despite last years depressing first match defeat of 13-1 and a team of only 10 until a couple of hours prior to departure, expectations were surprisingly high, especially following the arrival of the legendary Laurence Cook who ensured we would have a sporting chance with our team of 11. The familiar looking squanderer team with new fresher additions in Stuart Cummings, Pete Fletcher and Cian Naik set off from fortress wilby as a convoy of five cars in what must be the least economical journey in CUHC history.

After the warm-up finished a full 30 mins before push-back (leaving everyone the best chance in achieving an injury) the Cambridge university 3rd team were underway on a sunny afternoon In Ipswich town centre. It became immediately clear that poor attendance in pre-season had led to an inadequate fitness level and structure to hope to sit happily in the offensive. With the ball trickling slowly around the back, unable to break their press, it was only a matter of time until we conceded, in the face of solid tackles from Woodford and Pete and numerous saves from Stuart.

At 1-0 down we thought we had found a moment of respite following an Ipswich yellow deriving from blatant cheating and quiet goading from Telly. However, even though there was a rise in possession in the opposition D, telly’s short failed to make it out the D and we found ourselves another goal down.

Strict words at half time saw the latter half of the game mark a stark improvement. Cian, Smithy and Fred worked incredibly hard in the mid to ensure the ball made it to the forwards who were running leads for a disheartening lack of ball. Before we knew it, the squanderers capitalised on the most textbook short I have ever seen..a Deadly drag to Lark on the right post. 2-1 down in the last 15 were a true test of endurance as we attempted to break down the defence without success.

2-1 in the first match of the season with only 11 was a great attempt and everyone deserves congratulations on really pushing hard right until the end. A bit of work on structures and a lot on fitness and this may be a very successful season
3-Fred 2-Stuart 1-Pete