Wanderers’ Match Reports 2018/19

22/09/18 Wanderers 0-3 Sudbury 1s | MoM Will Catton

The Wandies had a pretty terrible start to the season, losing 3-0 away to Sudbury. Tripper drove a Beige Skoda Fabia to the game. Harper got shown a green and another guy got shown a yellow. We pretended for a bit that we lost deliberately to teach the fresh that losing away is not as fun as winning away, but then reality set in and I had to sit and DJ some dead tunes on the way home. I also got DOD for PMBing by attending Vinyl’s launch night. Can confirm it was a pretty terrible decision. I wasn’t originally planning on going but Jim and Jerv told me they were going so I thought I’d go. I forgot Jim was a snake as he then didn’t go leaving me on my own to get DOD. I found Vinyl very confusing. I was hoping they would have dug down into Cambridge to make it bigger but it seems like Kuda has just had a sixty minute makeover. They have a massive dance mat in the middle, where you have to step on the squares that flash, but the squares kept on flashing and I got very tired. They also have a mirror on the ceiling which was strange because normally mirrors are on the wall. I tried to leave but the bouncer wouldn’t let me so I had to walk through the entrance and back through this new metal detector to get out. Luckily I didn’t get searched like I normally do in airports as that would have cost me a few minutes sleep. I got home and woke up hungover because I forgot I am now old and cant hack the sesh anymore.

MoM: Will Catton

DoD: Tim VK

06/10/18 Wanderers 0-3 Wapping 3s | MoM Jim

With a solid recent performance against Wisbech Town under their belts, the Wandies were keen to put in a whopping performance against Wapping and with a car full of fresh in his Lengmobile, Captain Harry was keen to get his team going upon arrival at the Olympic grounds of the quintessentially British hamlet of Wapping in the outskirts of London. However, unfortunately the visions of a sunny outing in this suburban sanctuary were replaced by a drizzly grey landscape in which we reluctantly set out for our pre-match warm-up – a scene which regrettably foreboded what turned out to be a frustrating and unrewarding match.

Despite an impressive start, the 15 minute mark saw a sloppy short-corner routine transform into a cheeky chip finish which saw the Wappers take a 1-0 lead. What followed was a series of debatable green cards from some excited Cambridge players eager to bring the match back into our own hands, and with only 9 players on the pitch, we still managed to see out half-time at 1-0. Following some calm, inspirational words from the more experienced members of the group at the break came a new-found spirit: the second-half commenced with some fierce pressure in the midfield and strike-force which, accompanied by a nervy Wappers side, took the game back into the Wandies’ hands. However, with wet, windy conditions and a dodgey saturated water base come unfamiliar mistakes – ones which the opposition were keen to capitalise on with a counter followed by a neat deflection at the far post. A short-corner conversion quickly followed and the Wandies saw themselves 3-0 down with 20 minutes to go. Yet with hearts of lions and the stamina of gazelles, the boys kept battling in spite of the tough match and weather conditions, showing some strong spirit in some pressurising charges forward. Sadly the match did end 3-0 however, and we failed to pounce on our prey.

Out of the cold and into the changing rooms, some tired legs made their way into the steamy showers to recuperate before tucking into some sandwiches, including the following variety of flavours:

– cheese

– ham

– chicken

– egg.

To accompany, the following crisp flavours were available:

– ready-salted

– cheese and onion

– salt and vinegar.

For the athletes of the group, apples and bananas were also available.

MoM: Jimbo – solid performance

DoD: Will – bike-locking problemos

13/10/18 Wanderers 1-3 Upminster 1s | MoM Harper

After a strong away BUCS win against Loughborough, the Wandies heads were held high looking forward to a home fixture against Upminster. Unfortunately, some of our pre-match preparations weren’t up to scratch. Several fresh were spotted in Curry King. I myself forgot to have my pancakes so entrusted our Keeper to fetch my breakfast from the famed Pembroke brunch. However, this was closed for some reason closed so I had to settle for an incomplete BMD. I was now refuelled and ready to play. This was not the case. Once again, I forgot something and assigned Matt Roberts with the task of retrieving my mouthguard. Finally, I was ready to play.


After a strong start, Hantian Wang found the back of the net to put the Wanderers 1-0 up. Despite prolonged pressure in the oppositions half Ollie Rose decided to kick the ball into our goal from a short corner. With the score 1-1, we still knew we could easily win the game. Not long into the second half, Will Catton decided to wander out of our D for some unknown reason. Clearly I ruined his pre match preparation.This resulted in him kicking the ball and having to take 10 minutes off the pitch. After a long debate, we decided to not put Tristan in goal. They immediately scored with a flick straight down the middle. 2-1 down. In the following 10 minutes, we played our best hockey but were unable to create any real chances.


Finally, we were back to 11. For most of the second half we were camped in their D. I got bored at left back so thought I’d have a go a right forward. Unfortunately, this tactic didn’t work, and they won another short corner and scored in the final 2 minutes. In what wasn’t a great day for the Wandies or myself, I employed Joe Chandler as my next minion to get my phone which I stupidly left on the pitch. However, we were treated with the returns of hot Wilby teas and what promises to be a huge one tomorrow.

MoM Harper

DoD Jason Allen

03/11/18 Wanderers 2-3 Old Southendian 1 | MoM Hantian Wang

The Wandies, dressed in the all new “los blancos” kit, arrived to Old Southendians in lifted spirits prepared for a mid-table to start. As eager as ever, David led out the warm up at the highest speed ever to have graced Old Southendian Hockey Club leaving some of the boys with a less than full tank to start the game. Maybe he felt a bit too good in the new kit, who knows?


It was a positive start for us as we had good retention of the ball high up the pitch in the early moments of the game, leading to a flick being awarded in our favour which Hantian (Number) Wang comfortably slotting away. However, to out demise we let our foot slip of the gas letting Old Southendians back into the game scoring two past us. Now on the back foot we once again applied pressure and started playing secure hockey. A well worked team goal, with David on the finishing end, once again got the scores back to level. However, it was not meant to be, through no fault of our own and decisions not going our way our opponents snuck one last goal in the last 10 minutes to seal the victory. All was not lost however as the all new away white white white kit for sure won us the best dressed award and some may say that is the real bread winner at the end of the day and the hockey Is merely a side thought.


MoM: H Wang

DoD: J Chandler

01/12/2018 Wanderers 4 - 1 Norwich City 2s | MoM Harper

Match Report: Saturday 2st December Wanderers 4-1 Norwich City 2s


“Gibson for Dod? I’ve never heard that before”. Well yes, you would not have heard this before this week. I was attempting to make it all the way through undergrad and a PhD without ever being Dod but alas, this world is not perfect. It does, however, give me the opportunity to write my first ever match report in my sixth year.


This week has been an eventful one. Last Sunday the wonderful occasion that is Christmas Dinner happened to fall on Bridgemas and boys and grills alike were excited at what the evening may hold. After a delightful Woga session (I am told) some Wanderers joined many other CUHC members for mince pies and mulled wine before a carol service. Mulled wine is known to increase the quality of singing and this was evident as O Come All Ye Faithful was sung with particular gusto from certain sections of the congregation. A wholesome afternoon would soon give way to a one way trip to the refuse container for many of these gentlemen. The Wanderers were entertained by some Christmas dubstep on their way to Cindois which confused many but spirits were definitely high as we arrived for the pre-drinks. The dinner itself passed without too much incident but before the dessert could be served we gained our first casualty of the evening. Not a person but a home. Jangleterre has a penchant for destroying homes and it had not even reached 8pm before a poor fresher Bed found herself in tears wondering whether to repair a broken home that had been built on sand or whether she should build one on the shifting sands of the Homertonian. Personally I think houses should be built on rock but no-one ever listens to me. Composure was regained only for the same Bed to break down in tears 20 minutes later and admit that the house was irreparable and that the only solution was to build a new one. Time passed on and Ji-Sung Parke weaponised himself again before Jinglaterra was spotted making his new home (before 9pm).


The Wanderers are traditionally of a snaky persuasion (AJ memorial fines) and it was none other than El Capitan who neglected to tell us of his absence from Christmas dinner. It was only when his speech was videocast from his room in Catz that everyone realised they couldn’t understand him. Larold Peng the 4th is indeed a difficult man to decipher but it is difficult to hear people from the inside of the bin. The Lenginator may have to watch out as [anonymous Squanderers’ captain] delivered a fine speech including singing and beatboxing and may now outrank him in the hallowed halls of CUHC.


I may have been saved from Dod if Mr Jason Allen (RIP old Jallen) was playing this weekend. We shall start with the hipflask. Now those who have frequented previous Christmas Dinners will know that bringing extra alcohol is not required and yet this year’s Social Undersecretary decided that bringing a hipflask into the cloob was a necessary precaution against sobriety. Unfortunately for Jallen the bouncer spotted this device and he was forcibly removed from proceedings. To our delight the little man (not the littlest Wanderer) reappeared to perform the same trick and get re-ejected. 3 more times. How he got back in we do not know but there is photographic evidence (see below) of Jallen explaining the mathematics of a reverse Botswana to an unsuspecting ex-fresher Nomad before losing his keys. Thankfully his Secret Santa had been thoughtful enough to provide a set of Jallen keys (also below) to alleviate the problem so after kissing many things on the face he found his way back home. Well, as much as anywhere is Cambridge can be for a real Northerner.


Monday came around far too soon for some of us and while elder medics would have preferred a movie night we all turned up to Wilby for an evening of intense training. While the offer of joining the Nomads’ fitness session was tempting it was turned down and this must have been the origin of the ill-feeling that denied us the opportunity to play against the Nomads on Thursday. I was rather glad of a quieter week as a certain research group Christmas dinner found me in a rogue Wednesday Lola’s before heading to Van to try to find fellow Wanderers. Frequenting the bin twice in one week was deemed a large enough change of routine (fair enough) for the wanderer who “loves the van loves the man loves the plan” to be voted Dod.


Upon arriving at a wonderful warm watered wild wholesome wintery windy wandering Wilby I found a certain Ed Sides in goal for the Squanderers as Will Catton had forgotten to turn up and so incurred a rather large late fine. The knowledge of this Will make Argentum feel far better as he was nowhere to be found and having rung Harry (“Hi Harry, me again”) he caught a big fish in the form of Harry’s Uber to bring him to the match about a minute before pushback. I make that £30 of late fines which amounts to around 80 grams of Will.


The match started very well for the Wandies and Peng scored twice in the opening 6 minutes. The Wanderers then decided that hockey was too easy to play properly and a few rather choppy tackles left us with 10 men twice in the first half. How we conceded a goal I have no memory but the nerves were calmed just before half time as a delightful diagonal pass to Ethan split the Norwich defence and some composed passing found the ball in the back of the goal (scored by Tintin) to make it 3-1. The usual Jelly Babies were not provided by Jack as he had opted for Tangfastics instead. This seemed to work as after Harry’s team talk (Is it “get bored” or “don’t get bored”?) the Wanderers played tangfastically in the second half, controlling the game and even adding another goal (finish from over the head by J Parke) to leave the scoreline a healthy 4-1.  A wonderful Wandies win at Wilby.


One more for the yard…

12/01/2019 Wanderers 1-2 Wisbech 1 | MoM Catton

Away against Wisbech meant we were hoping the sandier surface would mean a slower speed of play, something which would compliment the post Christmas fitness. The first half seemed like the Wandies were doing a change of routine and not getting a card. But Will magnesium stepped up to the plate. After bullying a Leng sized man to the ground (I don’t understand feet really) he was awarded a yellow and we got the penalty? I thought I knew the rules being a level 1 unassessed umpire but apparently I might need to touch up. After looking silly from being megged down the line to go 0-1 down, I was glad to see a slick short corner routine that brought us back to 1-1.

In the second half, after deciding he has been back for long enough, Jallen decided the best way to get subbed off was to get himself hit on the head and concussed. In his confusion (with some dubious medical advice) he managed to stay on the pitch and somehow drive three other Wandies home. Needless to say that was a mistake as I have seen him with better coordination on a night out. Soon afterwards Leng put in a clean slide tackle, giving away a short. Through a series of unfortunate events we put the ball in the wrong goal and went 2-1 down. Despite our best efforts, we only managed to hit the post or score after a dangerous attempt.

There was no change of routine afterwards, going for the post match tea Maccies but not before discrimination against an engineer took place and I found myself writing this because of a perfectly good shirt.

Mum: Sue Catton

Dad: Mark Catton