Fergus has been super busy with work this week which means he couldn’t get a match report in on time or write a weekend preview. As punishment we instead have some accessible content from Club Captains/Medics Jim and Emma for all to enjoy.
Wanderers vs Harleston Magpies 2 15:00 (A)
Due to a swathe of funding cuts Cambridge University Hockey Club and Cambridge University Hospitals have had to form a merger, resulting in some rapid promotions for senior club members. Mr Harry Leng fell into his new role as Orthopaedic Surgeon through the natural progression: All boys boarding school. Although seen by some as a simple man with simple goals, Leng has been known to perform intricate procedures with grace and aplomb, before finishing short corner practice and returning to his hammer and chisel at work. Charming and disarming, Mr Larry Peng is at home chirpsing a young theatre assistant over a routine wound debridement, before cranking up Dido on the audio system and delegating to surgical registrar G Philips, who may or may not have received the rota via email. A stern critic of post-op sustenance provision, Mr Leng instructs his team to bring their own food to keep their performance levels at a peak, but no doubt will be first in the queue when the pharma rep brings free pizza – ha! Larold and his firm will be undertaking lucrative private work in Harleston at the weekend. Here he will be looking to openly reduce the Wanderer’s losing streak, and internally fixate their place in the league.
Nomads vs. Lowestoft Ladies 1s 13:30 (A)
Infectious diseases: a slightly esoteric speciality, but one that suits the captain of the Nomads well. True to their name, many of the Nomads were absent from Thursday training this week. This puzzled Rachel, as her team were all up to date with vaccinations when they played away in Lincoln only the day before. After no response to a standard course of sarcastic messages on the group chat, Rachel read the signs – clearly some infectious agent was rife amongst the members of her team. She had been stung before. Laura was struck down only a week earlier with a bad quad injury leaving her vulnerable to the passing parasitic Wanderer. Rachel began searching for patient zero. Her breakthrough came with Olivia, who presented with global amnesia and had completely forgotten the location of her bike and how far away Wilby was. Silly fresher. Having narrowed her differential diagnosis, Rachel could only come to one conclusion: boozebuseritis. Let’s hope the Nomads shake off this mysterious disease this Saturday to face Lowestoft Ladies 1 on the distant shores of East Anglia.
Men’s Blues vs Letchworth 1 12:00 (H)
Joining the forces of CUH/CUHC is Dr Sean Gilmore – newly appointed radiologist. Dr Gilmore applied for this role under the impression that plastic was easily visible on an X-ray, meaning he could scan his team post training and find out where all the balls are disappearing to. His thirst for saturns unabated by the fact that hockey balls can be missed on plain radiograph he decreed that high-risk freshers should be MRI scanned. The 6-month waiting list for an MRI at Addenbrooke’s is down to an unfortunate incident with a 1.5 Tesla magnet and Bill’s sick necklace. His search for saturns had been a disaster, and Dr Giles More decided to put a handbrake on his radiological investigation and leave it on. A large part of Dr Gilmore’s current job is scanning CUHC’s injured and infirm for soft tissue or bony injury, then referring on for specialist physiotherapy and structured rehabilitation. Layperson Jean Steanton-Steakes thinks that physios are chumps and he doesn’t believe in them, but nobody listens to him. In (barium) contrast to the Wanderers’ season, Dr Gilmore’s team are off to a flying start, going into their game against Letchworth in second place in Prem A. Lets hope his ultra-sound bunch of lads can bring home 3 more points.
Women’s Blues vs Dereham 1s 13:30 (H)
Miss Hattie Bevan (otherwise better known as Miss Battie Heaven amirite) is your local Plastic Fantastic ready to look after all the WBlues cosmetic surgery needs. An expert in all kinds of BBL (Brazilian Butt Lift and Beating Best in League), her team are renowned across EWL as having the best stick and suturing skills in the region. As with all plastic surgeons, her entire team are completely overqualified in both the looks and hockey department. Rolling up to each fixture in expensive cars, they are a tour de force with tight short corner routines and airbrushed transfers round the back. Any wrong move made by the poor hockey student and she will shoot you down with one drag flick of her forceps. Outside the theatre she shows her extensive experience on the dfloor, sharking the young registrar while away in Sheffield at a conference. Miss Battie Heaven and the beautiful WBlues will be looking for excellent results after their case against Dereham 1s on Saturday, where a successful procedure will (face)lift them to the top of the league.
Squanderers vs COP 4 15:00 (A)
Dr Owain Houghton joined the paediatrics department at CUH/CUHC after excelling during the application process. For some reason his child patients seemed to easily relate to him. Always with a smile on his face, Dr Houghton is truly here to help – whether that be by donating his old toys from a year ago or smashing out an animated instructional video about pressing for his team of Squanderers. Owing to a lack of appropriate kitchenware Dr Barry Shrignal has borrowed a bedpan from the ward and this evening has been using it to prepare a delicious Friday Night Dinner for the firm. While the discussion regarding 7.5 vs 15 litre vessel might seem academic to some, when it comes to bedpans you really don’t want one too small. Let’s hope Harry’s “chili con carne” can fuel the Squanderers for the weekend ahead. In a change of specialty, Dr Houghton will be turning his hand to geriatrics on Saturday, taking care of ancient Squanderer’s legend Dr Peter Fletcher* away at COP, and potentially surging into second place in the league.
*Unlike the medical professionals of CUH/CUHC, I cannot confirm the validity of Peter’s medical license.
Bedouin vs. Horncastle 1s 11:00 (H)
Dr El Robson has been working closely with the Bedouin this year to psychoanalyse the team and establish their path to success in 3NW. True to form as with many psychiatrists, organisation-wise Dr Robson has not started the season well, receiving DoD after a particularly distressed umpire highlighted the Bedouin’s almost identical attire to their opposition. This was perhaps the triggering traumatic event that led to the Bedouin’s (Freudian) slip down the table, but Dr Robson is confident that with some CBT (clean block tackles), the Bedouin will continue their winning ways. Away from the psychiatrist’s chair, over the past year she has been working closely with her colleague Dr Duckworth on improving her bedside manner. Much of this teaching has occurred after her regular seshsions with the Bedouin at the well-known establishments of Cindies and Life, although she proves a poor historian when asked to recount major events at training the day after. Dr Robson and the Bedouin go into their consultation against Horncastle this Saturday looking for a win to defeat their league demons.
Apart from the matches and their timings, none of this is true. If you see Fergus tell him he’s better at this than us.