Weekend Preview 20/01/18

AlumDin has come and gone, the days are getting longer, can we really be only a month away from the best day of the year?

Missing Have you seen this man? Talented but very unfit midfielder with questionable chat and a hankering to be Union President. Last seen at Blues Ball 2015. 

Chat is hard to come by in January. You will have to make do with an old school, information heavy, weekend preview. Best of luck to all the teams.

The Women’s Blues take on Wapping 1s this week at the Lee Valley Hockey and Tennis center at 12.30 in the afternoon. Last week’s draw against St Albans (currently 2 above them in the league) suggests the Blues have wintered well. Currently sat 9th with a goal difference of -1, the blues will hope a big win tomorrow allow them to start to reign in the teams grouped just 3 points above them.

The Nomads will be hoping to build on last week’s 3-1 win against Spalding when they face off with St Ives 2s tomorrow. Sat 5th in the table, and very much part of the top group of teams where 3 points separate second to fifth, a big win would cause a significant reshuffle. Head down for 12pm at the Wilberfortress to see the girls in action.

Arthur Mellow is welcoming the Beds to his pitch tomorrow where we see them tee off against Bourne Deeping 1s. A mixed bag of results since the Christmas break sees the Beds sat 5th separated by a small gap from the top 4. The girls will be hoping they can replicate their 1-0 win against Spalding from last week, and will be keen to avoid a repeat of the 4-1 loss to Bury St. Edmonds a fortnight ago.

The Squandies are hosting St Ives 1s at Wilby this week. Coming off the back of a 2-1 win over Pelicans they will be hoping they can secure another victory in order to start climbing up the table. Second bottom at the season mid point the boys need to start to string together some results to avoid a tense end to the season.

The Wandies are also being entertained by Arthur Mellow this week where they square off with Bourne Deeping 1s. A 4-1 loss last week to Cam City has no doubt put the pressure on the boys to crank out a good result this week and take a step off the bottom of the table. The Wandies will be without James Campkin and Jonny Parke this week but with Varsity selection only around the corner I think we can expect some big performances.

The Men’s Blues are taking on Bluehearts at their own game tomorrow. Pushing on from their 9-3 win against Spalding last week the Blues are eyeing up catching the group of 5 teams spread over 4 points 9 points in front. Matt Jervis (last week’s MOMDOD) has promised that no minors will be reduced to tears this week. Bad bloke.

Weekend Preview. 13-01-18. Alumni Weekend

The following article may not be correct.

This weekend sees 5 teams in East League action, as well as a set of Old Boys (and potentially Old Girls) fixtures on Sunday.

The Women’s Blues seek to get their East League campaign back on track with a full squad available for their home fixture against Broxbourne, pushing back at midday at Wilberforce Road. A little earlier that morning, the Bedouin entertain rivals Cambridge City 3rd XI in their second local derby in as many weekends. The Wanderers complete the Wilberfortress fixture card for Saturday, as they host Harleston Magpies 2s at 1.30pm. Alex Mayes, Conrad Lippold, and Fred Wilson-Haffenden return to the fold, but captain Knox will be missing striker Jonny Staunton-Sykes and defender Tom McCormick-Cox. CUHC’s away fixtures on Saturday see the Squanderers cross the border into Wisbech, and the Nomads travel to Watton, which is twinned with the German town of Weeze.

The Men’s Blues have no league game on Saturday, and will be well-rested for their Sunday fixture against a star-studded Old Blues XI at 1200 at the Fortress.  The Old Boys will be led by Surbiton HC (off of the EHL) midfielder Nick Parkes, with other highlights of an intimidating team sheet including Long Sutton midfield dynamo Charles Hardy, social media phenomenon Baz Madden, sworn enemy of low-flying aircraft Will Harrison, and soon-to-be transportainment entrepreneur Sam Grimshaw.

The Wanderers also play an Old Boys’ side on Sunday,  which is going to be interesting for the two players who feature on the team sheets for both Old Blues and Old Wanderers. There have been rumours of an Old Girls’ game taking place on Sunday.

Blues v. Old Blues -(Women at 10:30,Men at 1200 )- Wilberforce Road  //  Wanderers v. Old Wanderers – 1:30pm – Wilberforce Road

Weekend Preview 09/12/17

For this final weekend preview of term, CUHC’s ‘greatest double act’, Fruce (‘weren’t they the nomads coaches 2 years ago?’ – S. Gilmore, 2017), make a guest appearance, with a festive mulling over the highs, lows and memorable times (Christmas dinner aside) of term.

 

Greatest Sporting Achievement

Given the nature of CUHC (#5from5), this was a tough category to choose a winner. The nominees are as follows:

Marcel and 5 grills

Marcel Hedman, MBlues: Marcel’s navigation of pub golf whilst tied to 5 members of the women’s’ club (Q. ‘How many grills is it acceptable to be tied to?’ A. ‘As many as possible’) was an outstanding demonstration of balance and composure.

TJ Jackson & Ferg McNab, MBlues: The majestical battle of TJ TJ KO Jackson and McNoob was a masterpiece of strength, grit and boxing talent. Fergal, spurred into action by his turkey bacon, emerged victorious and at Wilby first floor.

Demetris Stylianou, Wandies: These sporting achievements founder in comparison to the exceptional cycling abilities of Demi, whom, in spectacular style, has attempted to traverse even the toughest of terrains, that of the Fez dancefloor.

Demi cycles back up to Wilby this weekend, as the Wanderers take on City of Peterborough (PB 12:00). The Wandies will be looking to avenge their early season defeat, continuing to play some exciting hockey and exceed the recent average of 7.25 goals per game.

 

Intriguing Injury

As part and parcel of the hockey game, injuries are common. A three-way tie -not as impressive as the Marcel 5-way tie (see above)- covers the CUHC award for ‘most reliable physio sign up’, with Jim, TJ and Kirky often gracing the Arthur Marshall meeting room on a Thursday night.

However many members of CUHC have taken it upon themselves to produce some intriguing injuries. Let’s take a look at the nominees.

James Campkin, Wandies: Owner of the *EDIT* 2nd most filthiest hands in CUHC decided to follow in historical CUHC footsteps, winning the ‘Peter Akyol Award’ for his hashtag edgy star-shaped ear piercing, just in time to impress at Christmas dinner.

Robin Watts, MBlues: As if devised during a game of Consequences, few injuries are as random and obscure as this. That’s not Robin Watts slices open his hand on a can of coconut milk after a night out. I have nothing more to say about this. He should have gone to Gardies.

Molly Buxton, WBlues: Not to be outdone as ever is Molly Buxton, no longer needing to visit Addies, given she has her very own medic boyf to tend to her foot injuries.

Sadly Mol is unavailable this weekend (led to believe this is not due to foot injuries), but the Women’s Blues will look to continue their strong recent form against an in form Peterborough side. This Christmas-cracker of a match is at Wilby 1:30 PB.

 

Best Cloob Pic

The sesh gremlins amongst us have popped up in many a cloob pic this term, but some are surely more worthy of framing and afixing to the hallowed walls of Wilby? The shortlist includes:

CUHC’s hen party: (Title: ‘Hens and Cockerills’, 2017, Watercolour): The wedding? Who knows, but the emotional range displayed in the piece is spellbinding and really captures the mystery behind this entry. The fear etched across the face of Zhao dominates the foreground, yet no less prominent is the interrogative, deep-reaching stare of Cockerill juxtaposing this bewilderment. The true resonating feature of this work however is the mesmerizing display of intimacy by Pyman and an orange. Exceptional emotional portrayal.

Matt Pyman, MBlues (Title: ‘Binned’, 2017, Oil on Canvas): Whilst technically not inside the club, this picture encapsulates CUHC’s surprising and edgy transition to Sunday Fez nights with its use of contrasting colour and metaphorical intent, blurring boundaries between sesh and reality.  

An assembly of Blues (Title: ‘Sesh No. 6’, 2017, Gouache on Paper): The most poignant artistic pieces owe their success to realising the elements of good composition. Immersing the viewer in a total experience of ballare, this piece has them all. Balance. The symmetrical arrangement of Blues reflected also in the coordination of armography alludes to the unity achieved between the men and women’s sides of the club. Focus. From couplings in the corner (sorry, Jim), to the creeping reflection of Demi (sans his beloved bicycle) in the mirror, the lack of distinctive focal point causes the dazed eye to Wanderer, reflecting the feeling of utter panic and confusion one experiences when momentarily losing CUHC on a night out. Pattern. The regular repetition of lines, shapes and colours in this composition symbolises the regularity of this Wednesday night scene. A priceless piece, raking it the likes, el presidente Sides could describe it in no greater terms beyond we’re ‘smashing it’ (1 thumbs up, 4 love reacts).

See Sides smashing it on the pitch this weekend as Men’s Blues take on Peterborough away. Despite having played Peterborough last weekend in the cup, a different looking MB side will likely line up this sat at a significantly shorter average height to Sunday. They’ll also probably be wearing black kit as it’s an away game.

 

In Memoriam:

Grills and gentlemen, you won’t need us to remind you what a four months of loss we have endured. We would like to take this moment to remember and cherish those friends and companions whose lives may be over, but whose legacies will live on for as long as our love of hockey.

Hatty Darling’s Jumpsuit (2017-2017?): Yet another victim of the historic CUHC Annual Christmas Dinner 2017, Hatty’s Jumpsuit must be remembered for its warmth and companionship throughout most of the night before it’s devastating disappearance. Weeks of searching, campaigning and interviews concerning it’s whereabouts have proved inconclusive. #resultsnotreacts

Jean Staunton Sykes’s chat (2013-2017): Last seen on the news page on the website on 3rd November 2017, concerns have been raised. Questioning begins with a soulful Weasley. We hope to be reunited with JSS soon, though until then, Flibby then Kirky then Webbo then Sean-Paul and now Fruce keep the great ship Webmaster afloat following this tragic passing.  

The Wilberfortress (1994-2017): We remember the Wilberfortress with fond memories, as we cannot remember the night we got it right. It was a tough loss for all. Many, like Ollie Rose, clung onto Wilby in its final dying hours.

Nevertheless, it’s withered frame stands strong, and is host to the Bedouin at home against Peterborough (10:30am PB) as they look to bounce back to winning ways.

 

Hottest Wheels:

Transport is an ever present point of discussion in CUHC because we just love #awaydays. As much as we love zipcar, CUHC members have been branching out, leading to a whole new category in this year’s awards edition. Taking CUHC for a spin, we have:

Women’s Blues’ Fiat 500s: Due to a technicality, Sophia Padt’s highly rated ‘looking Fi(a)t 🔥’photo didn’t quite make meet the artistic criteria for the CUHC wall of fame (turns out Canterbury carpark is very much not the cloob). Despite this, the multicoloured Fiat convoy was quite a sight as they travelled down, back around, back up and then back down the M25. Such a vision of basicness certainly impressed many, though sadly, CUHC legend Cat Cox was less amused.

Fergus Flanagan’s vintage banger: I’m not gonna lie, I know little about cars and can’t even drive, but can nonetheless appreciate that Ferg Flan does not have a Fiat 500. Despite taking longer to get going than it takes Kirky to chop a pint, this timeless beauty is nonetheless an esteemed addition to the Wilby car park and that non-existent parking space.  

The Nomads’ Coaches: The Nomads have gone above and beyond the standard transport forms. Bus, train, zipcar; all deemed inadequate. For it appears members of the Nomads much prefer their coaches.

Unfortunately for the Nomads, they will be travelling in cars this weekend as they journey to Peterborough. A close defeat last week has interrupted the Nomads’ winning ways, but they’ll be looking to enter Christmas with another win in the bag.

 

Best Dressed:

Undeterred by the neverending PlayerLayer struggles, CUHC continues to make their mark on the world of #fashun. Let’s relive a few of these iconic looks.

Fergus Flanagan, MBlues: Adopting the kind of enthusiasm for Full Club Swap not observed since Georgie Baker (2016-17), Ferg’s look was bold, it was brash, and well, it was just his boxers, really. Full marks for commitment. Ferg, you’re hired.

Ian ‘The Magician’ Johnston, Wandies: Devoted entirely to CUHC, few dare to dabble in any other clubs or societies. Not Ian. Swapping his stick for a wand, Ian demonstrates his alliance with the Magic Circle through his red tie and shirt combo, having ‘forgotten’ his post-match attire.  

Harry Brignal, Squandies: Leading his army of Squanderers, heads turned as captain of the most suited and booted team (though not for long) in CUHC entered Wilby on the fateful November 26th, 2017. Purposefully lurid to disguise the VK stains, the Squandies certainly won’t feel fleeced by these purchases.

Ditching the blazers and presumably turning out in the iconic CUHC combo of black tops, shorts, black socks, shin pads, astros, gloves (optional) and gumshields, the Squanderers will be strutting their stuff along the A16 to Horncastle (1pm PB), and hope to return with a win.

 

Best of luck for all the weekend matches, CUHC! Lets hope for some top results to send us into Christmas, with wins against Horncastle, Peterborough, Peteborough, Peterborugh, Petrebough and Peter’sborugh.

 

Weekend Preview 02/12/17

‘Twas the night before Bridgemas, when all thro’ the Kloub,
Not a creature was stirring, not even McNoob;
The stockings were hung in Wilby with care,
In hopes that St. Pyman soon would be there;
CUHC were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of nude Squandies danced in their heads. (S. Gilmore, 2017)

 

In contrast to last week, webmaster Jean has handed the weekly preview baton to a fresher member of the club to give an insight into their very first, and hopefully not the last, CUHC Christmas Dinner; and, of course, the upcoming weekend’s games.

 

In the aftermath of the “2nd biggest day of the year” (Various sources), the question on many peoples’ minds remains to be ‘what actually happened at Christmas dinner?’ Sunday was indeed a very large night.

The Men’s Blues head south to the ‘Home of Hockey’ Lee Valley to face an in-form Wapping side. Captain Cockerill will be looking to put behind last week’s disappointing pork tagine and will be buoyed if the team can finally take a big scalp and get back in touch with the league’s top 5. Don’t miss Sunday’s cup game against CoP as the team, minus skiers, will be underdogs against the league high fliers. Sadly TJ doesn’t seem to have recovered from a traumatic lift bout with ruthless VC McNab [see Baz for footage] so will be missing for both games.

The Wandies smartly rearranged their game to last Sunday where, spurred on by the prospect of a rewarding Xmas Dinner, they battled their way to a decent point in a 5 all thriller. They’ll welcome a break and a chance to refuel after their exploits. Be sure to keep an eye out for Dimi Stylianou on Saturday night attempting a precarious cycle into Spoons or Ollie Rose tucked away in the Wilby changing rooms.

The Squandies are heading away to fellow basement dwellers Bury and will be greatly invigorated after their exhilarating foray into the athletics world. For anyone heading to Wilby this weekend, check for any stray clothes in the bushes where one smart Squandie hid them and his excitement during the run promptly forgot the relevant bush.

The Women’s Blues, still fresh from their recent managerial change, have started a steady climb up the table and play host to Norwich Dragons in a crucial 6 pointer (4th vs 3rd bottom). The goals probably won’t be coming from Hattie Bevan who displayed some quite dreadful aiming in the Wilby toilets, and collectively the team will have to ensure that they show a lot more endurance and character than they managed on Sunday night if they want to take some vital points.

CUHC’s high flying Nomads have a top of the table derby clash with Cam City 3s (‘away’ at the Perse) in their hunt for promotion. Coach Totton’s intimate and personal link with the team is clearly reaping its rewards and could be key for the Nomads going up.

The Beds who are also in the running for promotion host Ely City (4th vs 3rd). The Beds generally appear to have got it very right on Sunday except for one very silly fresher who sadly had to be carried out of a taxi straight to bed before 11. And finally, for reasons unknown, ‘the beds like to eat medium rare steak.’  (C. Burrows, 2017)

Weekend Preview: 25/26th November 2017

With resident webmaster Mr. Staunton-Sykes away (probably PMB-ing tonight), he needed the perfect replacement to write his weekend preview. He was looking for someone with an extensive knowledge of the club, memories of Christmas dinners gone by and most importantly, good chat. Unfortunately options were limited and former CUHC member Chris Webster was selected. Chris has analysed the BazBet betting markets and provides some tips for the punters this weekend.

HOCKEY:

Saturday 25th November 2017

Women’s Blues v Cambridge City (a)

Tip: CUHC to win 2-1

Having taken 9 points in the last 4 games, the Women’s Blues should take the points in this low scoring affair.

The Nomads take pictures after they win

Nomads v Pelicans (h) 

Tip: Nomads to win by 3 goals

Fresh from another win over Oxf*rd on Wednesday, the Nomads look to continue their strong run of form against the Pelicans. Having  conceded just 7 goals this year and the Pelicans having only scored 9 goals, it may be worth a flutter on a Nomads clean sheet as well.

Bedouin v Huntingdon 1 (a)

Tip: Both teams to score

Both of these teams have been involved in lots of high scoring affairs this season and I expect that to continue. The sides average 2 goals per me each and I can see this one having goals for both sides.

Squanderers v Harleston Magpies 3 (h)

Tip: Draw

This year the Squandies have scored 13 goals and have conceded 23. Magpies 3s have also scored 13 goals  and conceded 23. I see the similarities in their goal difference remaining after this weekend’s fixture.

Wanderers, this is what a goal looks like.

Wanderers v Wapping 2 (a)

Tip: Wanderers to score 2 or more goals

Wapping have had a pretty leaky defence this year and after a big team bonding session on Wednesday night, and with the inspiration of playing away at the Olympic Park, I reckon that the Wanderers will turn around their poor run of form and “start putting balls in the goal hole” (Dickinson, 2017).

Men’s Blues v Harleston Magpies 1 (h)

Tip: 1-1 draw

Harleston are unbeaten in East Prem A and have only let in 9 goals this year. Impressive. However, they sit in 5th position in the league having drawn 4 of their 9 games. This will be a low scoring affair and a draw.

Sunday 26th November 2017

Wanderers v Waltham Forest (h)

Tip: Don’t bet on this game

With the fatigue of the game the day before, and the excitement of the evening to come, I have no idea how the Wanderers will perform but wish them the best of luck.

CHRISTMAS DINNER:

One of the biggest social events on the CUHC calander takes place on Sunday. Here are our tips for the much anticipate night.

Niels is experienced at taking public transport home after CUHC socials

Last person standing:

Tips: Niels van Frassen, bet against the freshers

I’d expect to see Niels on the 05:14 from Cambridge to King’s Cross more out of necessity than through alcohol tolerance.  Also he has history. Last up won’t be any of the new inexperienced members who will most likely get the evening completely wrong (expected and encouraged).

The Perry Dunn memorial award for the worst speech:

Tip: Matt Cockerill

Going last isn’t easy, especially when your crowd have lost their manners and a lot of their basic functions. Expect this speech to be slurred, rudely interrupted by players past and present, and feature a red wine soaked brussel sprout. Fortunately for Matt, very few should remember the speech though. However, don’t rule our Hatty Darling though. I’ve heard she’s hired someone to do her speech for her but plans on taking over from them just as they get started in their role…

Squanderers Run:

Tip: Seb Cheli

The athletic Kenyan faces strong opposition from Ciaran Flaherty this year but I expect Cheli to win given his recent running form, his lack of heavy rolex and his Athletics Blue.

Most likely to get the dress code wrong:

James Campkin drinking beer

Tips: Jason Allen, Will Catton, Ally MacDonald, James Campkin

Christmas Dinner dress code: Black tie.

The Lift Champion:

Tip: Pete Fletcher

He sent Botters into exile to Oman after his bout last year and will be the most experienced at the dinner. Maybe he can see off this years other favourites Matt Jervis, Kieran Gilmore and Georgie Burrows.

Who loves CUHC the most? The chair game:

Tips: Annie O’Neil, Ed Sides, Hattie Bevan, Louis Totton (each-way outsider)

The president says a number and you rank how much you love CUHC. If he says zero and you sit down, you haven’t loved CUHC. If he says one, you love CUHC a bit. The room sits down as their love for CUHC passes its threshold. It’s when you reach double figures that you find out who really loves their club.

In other news returning alumnus Peter Akyol is still searching for a goalkeeper.

 

 

Weekend Preview 18/11/17

As the season comes towards its halfway point and Johnny’s chat has already dried up, this week sees another guest preview. This time Kirky (Slytherin – 2006, 17 ½ Inches – Dragon Heartstring) comes in to talk about the only thing he knows anything about: Football.

 

To celebrate the fact that there will be no more international breaks until March, and the return of the Premier League, find out which football team your team plays hockey like.

Men’s Blues

Everton

A striker taking a leave of absence before returning back to the club which made him. Rooney or Staunton Sykes? Younger players stepping up from lower divisions to stake a claim in the first team. Roberts and Parry, or Lookman and Davies? A want-away player who has to play sometimes even though they feel destined for new things. Barkley or Gilmore Sr? Despite the Men’s Blues resembling the Toffees, it can’t be denied their league form is far superior.

They aim to continue this against Bedford this weekend. Everton have an away day against fellow strugglers Crystal Palace.

Best goal of the 2011-12 Season and a favourite of Scum fans Stebbing and Staunton Sykes (BBC)

Women’s Blues

Leicester City

An unfortunate start to the season, with a few too many losses, before a change in fortunes after a managerial change sums up both the Women’s Blues and Leicester City’s seasons so far. Craig Shakespeare leaving the Foxes was followed by wins over both Swansea and Everton. Similarly, the Women’s Blues nabbed their second win of the season with a convincing win over Canterbury last weekend. Hopefully more will follow this Saturday.

They face Maidstone, while Leicester host Man City.

Wanderers

Crystal Palace

At the beginning of the season, Crystal Palace went 7 games without scoring a goal. The Wanderers have not quite matched that this season, but have been found lacking in goals. However, as with the Eagle’s appointment of Roy Hodgson, the Wanderers’ aging coaches have been reminding the team about the art of scoring. They hope to follow Palace’s lead this weekend, who broke their duck by beating reigning champions Chelsea.

The Wanderers travel to West Herts, while Crystal Palace play Everton.

Roy Hodgson picturing a Wandies win this weekend (Telegraph)

Nomads

Watford

The Nomads have used a successful blend of experienced CUHC stalwarts, including 4th years Wilde, Preston and Glanfield, with a youthful influx of freshers to propel them to a successful start, sitting at 5th as we approach the halfway stage. In a similar fashion, Watford have relied on the experienced Gomes, while the youthful Richarlison has been lighting up the Premier league to reach 9th in the table.

The Nomads host Alford and District in a mid-table clash. Watford play West Ham on Sunday.

Squanderers

West Bromwich Albion

Last season, West Bromwich Albion had the oldest average age in the Premier League at a whopping 30 years. Gareth McCauley at the ripe old age of 37 still plays, and bringing in Gareth Barry in the summer can’t have done their average age any favours. Seeing Damo Flanagan and Pete Fletcher line up for the Squandies can only make you think of the Baggies.

The Squandies host City of Peterborough this week, while West Brom face Chelsea.

Beds

Brighton and Hove Albion

The Beds have had to cope with a new division with a huge influx of new players this season, much in the same vein as Brighton who brought in a huge 13 players to cope with their first season in the Premier League. However, like the Seagulls, the Beds have performed admirably and are sitting pretty at 4th.

They face Haverhill on Saturday. Brighton must wait till Monday to entertain Stoke.

Weekend Preview 11/11/17

“Journalism largely consists in saying “Lord Jones is dead” to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive.” ― G.K. Chesterton

 

Since Johnny accepted the webmaster baton slightly reluctantly, and has had to temper his chat for fear of backlash (#tamarahasnosoul), this weekend was looking strikingly absent of a preview.

 

So, this week we welcome two guest preview writers. Olivia ‘Fat Libby’ Shears used to write for the Blue Bird. Alice ‘Pavey’ Pavey used to write for the Tab. Both were drunk when they agreed to do this.

 

So, it is for this reason that we find ourselves bringing you this week’s Weekend Preview. We don’t actually go here anymore, nor do we know anything about you if you are a fresher who doesn’t have an older CUHC sibling.

Fat Libby is still noobing about on all the mailing lists so has intel that the Women’s Blues have two matches this weekend. A big hockey weekend with lots of hockey. On Saturday they play Canterbury 2s at Wilby. We don’t know much about Canterbury apart from that it is where the Gilmores live.

 

On Sunday they play away in Ipswich, where Fat Libby once sat for three hours alone in a broken down zipcar on a roadside while the rest of the team left her to go and play hockey. We hear the women’s blues have broken off all affiliation with Zipcar in favour of an even more basic bitch alternative.

 

Dr Cat Cox unimpressed by the new CUHC fleet.

 

It turns out that the Wanderers are also playing some people from Ipswich, but the more geographically explicit ‘Ipswich-East Suffolk’ team. We don’t know much about these proud Suffolk separatists but their website informs us that they will be hosting ‘another popular Curry and Crackers’ evening on the 9th of December. We suspect this will be similar in vibe to CUHC’s Christmas Dinner. The speeches may even be as good as that one Perry Dunn made in 2015. Ah 2015.

 

The Bedouin are to play Cambridge City 4s at Wilby in the morning. The Bedouin coaching dynasty has been taken on by the capable hands of G Buzz, Matt Roberts and Captain Luce as Sally Bradley sadly left her role as coach to pursue her true calling of travel blogger (#cuba2k17).

 

The Men’s Blues head to Letchworth Garden City, a town home to the UK’s first roundabout, which is 19 years younger than CUHC. We’re sure there’s some age gap related chat here about an older member of CUHC who has recently got with a fresher, but we don’t know it as we don’t go here anymore.

 

The Squanderers are playing Norwich City 2s in Norwich, which incidentally, is where Fat Libby should also be playing, but she’s going to watch the rugby instead. This is a shame as she’d quite like to watch the Squanderers and see how they are coping without Matt Diesel. They might not have recognised her anyway because she’s now enormous. And has also graduated and never met many of them.

 

Saved until last in this preview is the best team in CUHC. The Nomads are playing their namesnakes, the Cambridge Nomads. Equivalent to town vs gown, the Nomads vs Nomads match has previously played host to many cards, Pavey’s ankle break of 2014, and even the sending off of a coach (#ripgraeme).

 

That’s all everyone. We hope you didn’t mind this guest author weekend preview, scheduling will return as usual next week. Keep hashtagging, drinking toma, and politely asking to not be taken home.

Weekend Preview 04/11/17

PUB GOLF: Name a better way to keep the week 5 blues at bay, I’ll wait. 

Pub golf has come round again, but what can the freshers expect from the third biggest night of the year? We asked some present and ex CUHC players to tell us their pub Golf highlights.

 

40 year old man invades Pub Golf

 

‘Jamie Bristow standing in the corner of kuda asking for me to take a photo of him because he’d just bought loads of vks’ – Matt Cockerill

 

‘In 2016, when 96 pints of Tomma were drunk over the course of the evening’ – A. Evans.

 

‘Ferg Flan asking Andy for a drink that looks strong but doesn’t contain any alcohol’ – Ferg McNab

 

‘I have little chat to offer on account of not being able to remember pub golf ever’ – Kirkpatrick

 

‘I didn’t go in my first year and I think the one notable thing from last year was the moment I realised my belt broke was caught on the Kuda cam’ – Ed Sides 

 

 

‘I didn’t make it to Pub Golf in my first year, I got to the door of spoons and was so nervous I had to leave’ – Johnny SS

 

‘In my second year, when all the cubicles in life were taken but Peter ‘Arge’ Akyol needed toe loo badly. We lifted him up by the legs and threw him head first over the cubicle door where he sprawled on top of the disgruntled weeing Monty Fynn” – Jean

 

‘Best stop on pub golf? McDonalds everytime – its an evening where both maccy d’s and van of life are justified’ – Freddie Briscoe

 

‘I was having such a good time with my partner that I didn’t want to leave The Baron of Beef. We ended up sharing a bottle of Pinot Noir and now he is my boyfriend’ – Anonymous Alumni (2)

 

‘Despite being tied to her all evening, I thought BNOC Harriet Moore was a fresher Bed. I don’t think she’s ever forgiven me for it’’ – Elliot Lindsay

 

‘Sorry, I’ve just had a baby. Can we talk later?’ – Richard Hesketh

 

‘In my first year, I was lucky enough to be tied to two boys (one on each foot). I tried to take them both along to Maccies toilets but the Maccies staff were already on guard because we must have been the 100th mixed sex group to try and sneak into Maccies loos that night lol. I also suffered a dramatic fall in Market Square in my first year and had a very eventful time trying to get up as the boys kept moving in different directions’-Molly Buxton

 

‘Me being the only person to ever get a whole in one in Maccies. A singularly epic performance.’ – Alex Kendal

 

Date

Team Match type Opposition Venue PB Time League/Cup Form
04/11/17 Men’s Blues League  Chelmsford H 13.30 LWWLL
04/11/17 Women’s Blues League  Seven Oaks  A 13.30 LLLL
04/11/17 Wanderers League  Norwich A 12.00 LDLL
04/11/17 Nomads League  Cambridge Nomads  H 13.00 WDL
04/11/17 Squanderers League  Dereham H 15.30 LLDL
04/11/17 Bedouins League  Bury St. Edmunds  A 10.30 LDWW

Weekend Preview 28/10/17

Weekend Preview 28/10/17

We All Dream of a Team of Bottomly - An example of banter.

We All Dream of a Team of Bottomly – An example of banter.

To celebrate the 20th anniversary of the release of Harry Potter and the Philisopher’s Stone, this week your captains have been following in the footsteps of the chosen one himself

Not Harriet Potter

Each has been sorted into a Hogwart’s house, received a wand from Olivander and have been taught how to perform the Patronus Charm. Highlights include the sorting hat sorting Snakepatrick into Slytherin before he had even sat on the stool, everyone else being sorted into Hufflepuff because they are neither brave or cool, nor are they a snake (losers), and Beth Barker getting her wand caught in her own hair during a particularly extravagant attempt at producing her Patronus.

Please see below for a summary of the houses, wands and patronuses (not patroni – see the Order of the Phoenix, Chapter 31 ‘Dumbledore’s Army’).

Male Blues Captain: Matt Cockerill

House: Hufflepuff

Wand: 4 Inches, Pear wood, Inflexible, Troll Whisker Core

Patronus: A manatee

Wandies Captain: Kirkpatrick

House: Slytherin

Wand: 17 ½ Inches, Vine, Rigid, Dragon Heartstring Core

Patronus: A big, camp Lizard

Squandies Captain: Harry Brignal

House: Hufflepuff

Wand: 9 Inches, Pine, Flexible, Unicorn Hair Core

Patronus: A disappointed 44 yr old man

Female Blues Captain: Hatty Darling

House: Hufflepuff

Wand: 12 Inches, Ebony, Stiff, Veela Hair Core

Patronus: TBC (as yet unable to perform charm)

Nomads Captain: Beth Barker

House: Hufflepuff

Wand: 36 1/2 Inch, 100% Carbon Fibre

Patronus: A sick, sick whale

Beds Captain: Tamara Norman

House: Hufflepuff

Wand: Elder Wand (Gingers have no soul)

Patronus: A war on Christmas

Fixtures

Date Team Match type Opposition Venue PB Time League/Cup Form
28/10/17 Men’s Blues League Saffron Walden A 13.30 LWWL
28/10/17 Women’s Blues League Old Loughts  H 13.30 LLLL
28/10/17 Wanderers League Dereham H 12.00 LDLL
28/10/17 Nomads League Long Sutton  A 13.00 WDL
28/10/17 Squanderers League Harleston Magpies A 15.30 LLDL
28/10/17 Bedouins League  Horncastle  H 10.30 LDWW

Weekend Preview 14/10/2017

 

Weekend Preview 14/10/2017

Freshers week is over, lectures are in full swing and Sunday’s whole club swap means the CUHC social calendar for 2017 is officially open! 

This weekend preview takes the form of a swap feedback form. The social secretaries are always looking to improve their events to ensure we keep killing it on socials, please feel free to anonymously submit the attached form to let us know what happened on Sunday and whether you enjoyed the company of your teammates! The attached form is a rather vanilla example response from a rather vanilla but anonymous Wandie.  If it does not show up, or you wish to hand in the form in person, you can download it here. Please send any responses to both and

 

Weekend Fixtures

Date Team Match type Opposition Venue PB Time League/Cup Form
14/10/17 Men’s Blues League Blueharts 1 A 1200 LWW
14/10/17 Women’s Blues League Wapping 1 H 1330 LLL
14/10/17 Wanderers League Bourne Deeping 1 H 1200 LDL
14/10/17 Nomads League St Ives 2 A 1230 WD
14/10/17 Squanderers League St Ives A 1400 LLD
14/10/17 Bedouin League Bourne Deeping H 1030 LDW