Weekend Preview 20/10/2018

Fergus has been super busy with work this week which means he couldn’t get a match report in on time or write a weekend preview. As punishment we instead have some accessible content from Club Captains/Medics Jim and Emma for all to enjoy.

Wanderers vs Harleston Magpies 2 15:00 (A)

Due to a swathe of funding cuts Cambridge University Hockey Club and Cambridge University Hospitals have had to form a merger, resulting in some rapid promotions for senior club members. Mr Harry Leng fell into his new role as Orthopaedic Surgeon through the natural progression: All boys boarding school. Although seen by some as a simple man with simple goals, Leng has been known to perform intricate procedures with grace and aplomb, before finishing short corner practice and returning to his hammer and chisel at work. Charming and disarming, Mr Larry Peng is at home chirpsing a young theatre assistant over a routine wound debridement, before cranking up Dido on the audio system and delegating to surgical registrar G Philips, who may or may not have received the rota via email. A stern critic of post-op sustenance provision, Mr Leng instructs his team to bring their own food to keep their performance levels at a peak, but no doubt will be first in the queue when the pharma rep brings free pizza – ha! Larold and his firm will be undertaking lucrative private work in Harleston at the weekend. Here he will be looking to openly reduce the Wanderer’s losing streak, and internally fixate their place in the league.

Nomads vs. Lowestoft Ladies 1s 13:30 (A)

Infectious diseases: a slightly esoteric speciality, but one that suits the captain of the Nomads well. True to their name, many of the Nomads were absent from Thursday training this week. This puzzled Rachel, as her team were all up to date with vaccinations when they played away in Lincoln only the day before. After no response to a standard course of sarcastic messages on the group chat, Rachel read the signs – clearly some infectious agent was rife amongst the members of her team. She had been stung before. Laura was struck down only a week earlier with a bad quad injury leaving her vulnerable to the passing parasitic Wanderer. Rachel began searching for patient zero. Her breakthrough came with Olivia, who presented with global amnesia and had completely forgotten the location of her bike and how far away Wilby was. Silly fresher. Having narrowed her differential diagnosis, Rachel could only come to one conclusion: boozebuseritis. Let’s hope the Nomads shake off this mysterious disease this Saturday to face Lowestoft Ladies 1 on the distant shores of East Anglia.

Men’s Blues vs Letchworth 1 12:00 (H)

Joining the forces of CUH/CUHC is Dr Sean Gilmore – newly appointed radiologist. Dr Gilmore applied for this role under the impression that plastic was easily visible on an X-ray, meaning he could scan his team post training and find out where all the balls are disappearing to. His thirst for saturns unabated by the fact that hockey balls can be missed on plain radiograph he decreed that high-risk freshers should be MRI scanned. The 6-month waiting list for an MRI at Addenbrooke’s is down to an unfortunate incident with a 1.5 Tesla magnet and Bill’s sick necklace. His search for saturns had been a disaster, and Dr Giles More decided to put a handbrake on his radiological investigation and leave it on. A large part of Dr Gilmore’s current job is scanning CUHC’s injured and infirm for soft tissue or bony injury, then referring on for specialist physiotherapy and structured rehabilitation. Layperson Jean Steanton-Steakes thinks that physios are chumps and he doesn’t believe in them, but nobody listens to him. In (barium) contrast to the Wanderers’ season, Dr Gilmore’s team are off to a flying start, going into their game against Letchworth in second place in Prem A. Lets hope his ultra-sound bunch of lads can bring home 3 more points.

Women’s Blues vs Dereham 1s 13:30 (H)

Miss Hattie Bevan (otherwise better known as Miss Battie Heaven amirite) is your local Plastic Fantastic ready to look after all the WBlues cosmetic surgery needs. An expert in all kinds of BBL (Brazilian Butt Lift and Beating Best in League), her team are renowned across EWL as having the best stick and suturing skills in the region. As with all plastic surgeons, her entire team are completely overqualified in both the looks and hockey department. Rolling up to each fixture in expensive cars, they are a tour de force with tight short corner routines and airbrushed transfers round the back. Any wrong move made by the poor hockey student and she will shoot you down with one drag flick of her forceps. Outside the theatre she shows her extensive experience on the dfloor, sharking the young registrar while away in Sheffield at a conference. Miss Battie Heaven and the beautiful WBlues will be looking for excellent results after their case against Dereham 1s on Saturday, where a successful procedure will (face)lift them to the top of the league.

Squanderers vs COP 4 15:00 (A)

Dr Owain Houghton joined the paediatrics department at CUH/CUHC after excelling during the application process. For some reason his child patients seemed to easily relate to him. Always with a smile on his face, Dr Houghton is truly here to help – whether that be by donating his old toys from a year ago or smashing out an animated instructional video about pressing for his team of Squanderers. Owing to a lack of appropriate kitchenware Dr Barry Shrignal has borrowed a bedpan from the ward and this evening has been using it to prepare a delicious Friday Night Dinner for the firm. While the discussion regarding 7.5 vs 15 litre vessel might seem academic to some, when it comes to bedpans you really don’t want one too small. Let’s hope Harry’s “chili con carne” can fuel the Squanderers for the weekend ahead. In a change of specialty, Dr Houghton will be turning his hand to geriatrics on Saturday, taking care of ancient Squanderer’s legend Dr Peter Fletcher* away at COP, and potentially surging into second place in the league.

*Unlike the medical professionals of CUH/CUHC, I cannot confirm the validity of Peter’s medical license.

Bedouin vs. Horncastle 1s 11:00 (H)

Dr El Robson has been working closely with the Bedouin this year to psychoanalyse the team and establish their path to success in 3NW. True to form as with many psychiatrists, organisation-wise Dr Robson has not started the season well, receiving DoD after a particularly distressed umpire highlighted the Bedouin’s almost identical attire to their opposition. This was perhaps the triggering traumatic event that led to the Bedouin’s (Freudian) slip down the table, but Dr Robson is confident that with some CBT (clean block tackles), the Bedouin will continue their winning ways. Away from the psychiatrist’s chair, over the past year she has been working closely with her colleague Dr Duckworth on improving her bedside manner. Much of this teaching has occurred after her regular seshsions with the Bedouin at the well-known establishments of Cindies and Life, although she proves a poor historian when asked to recount major events at training the day after. Dr Robson and the Bedouin go into their consultation against Horncastle this Saturday looking for a win to defeat their league demons.

DISCLAIMER:

Apart from the matches and their timings, none of this is true. If you see Fergus tell him he’s better at this than us.

Weekend Preview 13/10/2018

Lots of good results last week, well done everyone. Several intriguing fixtures this weekend, summarised in tabular form at the base of this preview (back by popular demand). We also have a big night out scheduled for Sunday (shock) so lots to look forward to.

Women’s Blues

A rivalrous week for the Women’s Blues saw a win against locals Cambridge City and a loss away to their counterparts in Oxford. OUHC Women’s Blues captain Shona McNab had this to say: “Although we won I’d much rather be at Cambridge like you bro. You lot are clearly much more fun than us and this ‘shoe’ stuff is getting really old. Also it’s so annoying drinking exclusively shandy on nights out. You rehydrate quicker than you get boozed! Completely pointless.” The girls remain unbeaten on Saturdays and will aim to continue that streak away in Norwich this weekend.

Wanderers

The Wandies also had a mixed week with a loss away at Wapping but a good win in their opening BUCS fixture away in Loughborough. Upminster are another mid-table side so an important six points are up for grabs tomorrow at Wilby. Of course in fact the winner will only get three points but you know what I mean.

Bedouin

The Beds travel to Huntington this week in search of a second win this season. Huntington put six passed March Town last week but I wouldn’t read too much into it as it looks like everyone in Division 3 NW has been pumping March Town. It should be a good contest.

Nomads

The Nomads are on a bit of a winning streak after picking up three points in Ipswich last week (the Stag Café must have sorted them out) and dispatching the OUHC Mavericks on Wednesday. This Saturday they face unbeaten Bedford, a team named after the city of Bedford. A win would see them rise to at least third place in Division 1N – nice!

Squanderers

Results have begun picking up for the Squandies, and they surely go into this Saturday’s fixture as firm favourites. So far this season the oppo Wisbech Town have been getting pumped at home and away, conceding 15 without reply so far. Remarkably they aren’t even bottom of Division 3 NW because Ely City are getting pumped even worse. I am scheduled to umpire this fixture and will pass on my insights in next weekend’s preview.

Men’s Blues

The Men’s Blues picked up an excellent three points in a tense game against Wapping last week. On Wednesday they pumped a poor Plymouth side 16 (or 17 – reports vary) – 1, including a nice flick bottom left from yours truly. It’s another top of the table clash this week as they travel to newly relegated West Herts – more points would set the boys up well as they move on to kinder fixtures in the coming weeks.

Team Saturday Form Oppo Saturday Form Location
Women's Blues WWW Norwich Dragons 1 LWD A
Men's Blues WLW West Herts 1 WDW A
Nomads WLW Bedford 2 WDW H
Wanderers LWL Upminster 1 WLW H
Bedouin LWL Huntington 1 LDW A
Squanderers LWD Wisbech Town 2 LLL H

 

Weekend Preview 06/10/2018

As preseason and freshmen’s week draw to a close, our teams are beginning to settle in to the weekly routine of hockey and huge nights out. Sounds like the club swap last week was a bit medium but Mr ex-Presdient Ed Sides did spend three hours outside Cindies not getting in. Nice tri Ed. Shout out to Andy, who retired this week after many years of service as the Hawk’s Club steward – thanks for everything. Six big games this week.

Nomads

The Nomads will aim to bounce back from a tough home defeat to the Women’s Blues last week as they travel to Ipswich. Ipswich sit just three places and one point above them so it would be a handy scalp as they look to start climbing the table. Watch out for Richard Hesketh enjoying a sausage and egg roll at his favourite greasy spoon, the Stag Café, en route.

Women’s Blues

The Women’s Blues traveled well last week, winning convincingly at Nomads, and they will hope to maintain Saturday form that has seen them go top of Division 1N. Their BUCS campaign unfortunately began with a home loss to Cardiff on Wednesday – a return to winning ways at home to Cambridge City tomorrow would be welcome.

Bedouin

The Beds picked up an important three points away in Royston last week after a tricky start versus league leaders Saffron Walden in their season opener. They face Bury St Edmunds at home tomorrow in what promises to be a thriller – Bury have scored fifteen and conceded five across their two games so far. Get down to Wilby at noon for the goal fest.

Men’s Blues

A confident Men’s Blues were brought down to earth last week against a strong St Albans side. Perhaps due to some tour fatigue, they started off the pace, and, although the game evened out in the latter stages, Albans did not crumble in the traditional way (that is, like bourbons) and ran out 4-1 winners. It won’t get any easier for the boys this week as they host Wapping – a team stacked with ex-CUHC stalwarts – but points are essential if they are to start challenging for the promotion spots.

Squanderers

After a high scoring loss in the first week of the season the Squandies were in the goals again last week, sinking the visiting Leadenham 4-0 (you can read all about it in an impressively formatted report here). In Cambridge City they face one of two teams in Division 3NW with a 100% record – it would certainly be a useful six points in their bid to climb the table further.

Wanderers

The Wandies won convincingly against Wisbech last week, making up for a disappointing season opener. They travel to Stratford to face Wapping on the Olympic pitch tomorrow, but don’t be fooled by the glamorous setting – Wapping played out a goalless draw against Crostyx last week so it could be a turgid affair.

Weekend Preview 29/09/2018

Sorry about the lack of Weekend Preview last week. I promise I’ll do one every week from now on – and that’s a promise.

Women’s Blues

The Women’s Blues got their campaign for bounce-back promotion off to a good start last week with a 5-0 win against Sudbury. Since then they’ve been away to Sheffield on hands down the best tour in living memory. Two good wins against Sheffield Hallam, including some encouragingly clinical penalty corner routines, and two massive nights out will surely stand them in good stead this week as they travel to the Nomads.

Bedouin

The Beds had a tough start to the league season last week with a thrashing at the heads of Saffron Walden. I was present at this fixture in the capacity of “umpire” and so can give you the full low down. Basically Saffron Walden were pretty handy. The game’s atmosphere was accurately summed up by an incident in the last minute when I didn’t blow a blatant foot on the line and none of the Saffron Walden players seemed to mind. The Beds look to get back to winning ways with an early start away at Royston.

Squanderers

The Squandies were unlucky to lose by a goal in a high scoring thriller away at March Town last week. This week they have an ohm game against Leadenham. Hopefully captain Owain Houghton will be let out of the kit cupboard in time for push back.

Wanderers

The Wanderers’ first game in Division 1N didn’t go as planned down at Sudbury but they look to bounce back straight away with a home fixture against Wisbech Town. They will aim to use their youth and the pacey Wilby pitch to their advantage against a team known for playing home games on one of the worst surfaces in the east. Their ranks are also bolstered by Will from the Inbetweeners and, apparently, the England squad. So it all looks good for the Wandies, best of luck lads!

Nomads

The Nomads’ first week back where they belong in Division 1N went perfectly with a 2-1 win away in St Neots. I have travelled through St Neots many times on the X5 bus. It’s quite pretty and has a butchers that does very good deals on sausages and mince but I don’t know anything about the hockey team. They face sterner opposition in the Women’s Blues tomorrow but they have the home advantage and can take heart in the fact that lots of the Women’s Blues went on two pretty huge nights out this week.

Men’s Blues

The Men’s Blues won comfortably last week against a very average Saffron Walden side, then set off on tour on Sunday. I can’t emphasise enough the extent to which these boys smashed tour. They played two games against Sheffield Hallam (who cares) then had two serously large nights out. Did you know you can get a pint for £1.25 in Sheffield? The Hallam lads said, “we thought you’d be proper nerds but you’re actually quite sound blokes” – high praise indeed. St Albans away tomorrow will be a good test.

 

Wilberforce Road development

Rapid progress is being made in the new developments at Wilberforce Road. On the main pitch, some fencing has been removed in preparation for an extended spectators’ area. Behind the main pitch and the athletics track, ground has been cleared for the impending second and third pitches.

View from the balcony and Wilberforce Road.

CUHC Data Protection Statement

Please see below the club’s new Data Protection Statement which was agreed at the Annual General Meeting on 18th May 2018. The Statement can also be found under “Information”, at the bottom of all the website’s pages.

Weekend Preview 03/03/18 – Blues’ Varsity Weekend

A look ahead to a pretty big weekend

First and foremost, if the Beast from the East allows, here are the fixtures for the weekend:

As is tradition in the week running up to Blues’ Varsity. Our roving reporter sat down with the captains ahead of their big game on Sunday.

Blues’ captains interview

I’m sat in the middle of the large upstairs room at Wilberforce road. It’s early evening and I can’t help feeling like we’re missing out on one of Wilby’s great sunsets thanks to the Beast from the East. My musings are interrupted by the arrival of this year’s Blues captains, Matt Cockerill and Hatty Darling. Hatty bounds over and shakes my hand with gusto. Matt traces the perimeter of the room muttering about ¼ zips and match reports before taking his pew.

Whoa, gosh it really is windy outside! Where’s your hair gone Matt?”

Matt: ‘Oh offer something Jean’

Hatty: ‘Grow up Matt’

(Further chat tennis ensued and then we got down to business.)

So the weather over the last few days has certainly impacted preparations for the University Match. How have you been handling the icy conditions?”

Hatty: ‘The pitch has been frozen all week so we have been really struggling to get time with the stick and balls.’

 

The search for time on the stick and balls continues.

Matt: ‘We soon realized that the pitch on V-day may not be entirely ice free and so we should probably get some practice in on the slippery conditions. Some of the boys have been finding it tough going’

 

Hatty: ‘Matt has actually been really helpful, giving us some tips on how to move freely while looking graceful on the ice’

(NB: It has recently come to light that Matt was a keen figure skater up until the age of 14, after which the pressures of the adult figure skating scene forced him into an early retirement.’

Matt: ‘I have experience handling the pressures of big events on the ice, I was glad to help. When I was scrote number 7 in the Dancing on Ice rendition of Oliver, I always use to say to myself “Head up, feet together. You. Are. A. Swan!”, it always helped to calm the nerves – outwardly at least! At the end of the day, when you remember ice is just slippy ground it becomes a lot easier’

Hatty: …

With the big day just around the corner, are you doing anything special to prepare?”

Matt: ‘I’ve left it very much up to the boys. I know Duckers has been hitting the gym hard, I think he is worried how little he fills out his playing shirt and the kite effect with the wind as it is, whereas Jerv has been carb-loading in a big way. It’s personal preference.’

Damn you 15s

‘This is what two days of not drinking water does to your rig’ – M.J. -> M.B

 

Hatty: ‘I’ve done the same thing. It’s completely up to the girls’

Papped. Big night out Lydia?

 

Thank you so much for your time. Just to finish up, can we have a comment on the Wblues promo vid?”

Matt: ‘Yeah sure … it’s real bad’

Hatty: ‘Classic M’blues, offering the as usual’

Shout.”

Best of luck to both teams on Sunday!

 

Blues Varsity Puzzle Section

Southgate bus entertainment – all answers are loosely sports related.

Cryptics  

The French hear strength for him (6)

Plugs the Light Brigade? (8)

Match coal slice angrily (2,7)

In panic, ingots on the cake (5)

Likelihood of scratcher container (7)

Wordsearch

 

Varsity Teams 2018

It’s Varsity this weekend. What does “Varsity” mean? It means the best hockey players in the university will be playing the oldest grudge match in the sport. It means the biggest crowds and the most noise. It means everything to the 32 players who’ve made the squads, and they’ll not be holding back come Sunday.

Tickets are available online from the Varsity Match website here, or will available on the door. The games will again be played at Southgate Hockey Club, and coaches will be leaving from Cambridge (contact CUHC for tickets and details).

The Mens Blues

 

The Womens Blues

 

CUHC’s Most Liked 2018 (#BDotY-eve Preview)

Fletch didn't change his profile picture this year.

Fletch didn’t change his profile picture this year. Shame!

It’s almost here (#imquiteexcited), it’s the day you’ve all been waiting for and there’s no doubt it’s going to be amazing. That’s right, it’s the day that the analysis of the profile picture likes is released.

Everyone will have seen by now the hype generated by the biggest coordinated media campaign in the University*. It’s been effective as well, with CUHC members accruing a considerable amount of the virtual social rep counters we call “Likes”, 9181 reacts in total. This is a little bit less than last year, but without the careful management of a webmaster (#OuEstJean), it was always going to be an uphill struggle.

The Good

Lol.

What makes a profile picture good? According to Social Scientist Baz, it’s a complex combination of having a good looking game face, having a witty caption and a good filter. We couldn’t be bothered to qualitatively assess each picture though, so instead we just rate them based on results. The first, and most obvious, metric is absolute number of reactions. This years winner was Harry Leng, but not without some controversy. In much the same way Trump’s victory in the US election had Russians involved, Harry’s victory in the profile reactions table was helped in part by 15 angry reacts (presumably from people he has never met and knows nothing about, but happen to be from Oxf*rd and on his friends list). Much like after the firing of Comey, the CUHC webmaster is absent (#AnyoneSeenJean) so there is not enough evidence to indict Harry. I’m not saying that Harry is narcissistic or an egomaniac, but there are some disturbing parallels.

Harry Leng

Congrats to all those who made the top 10, which was again dominated by the Nomads, but with some strong competition from the Wanderers.

  1. Harry Leng (251)
  2. Tristan Hipper (238)
  3. Georgie Jones (232)
  4. Seb Cheli (226)
  5. Ollie Rose (220)
  6. Sophie Wilson (210)
  7. Jess Czink (208)
  8. Harriet Potter (202)
  9. Annie O’Neill (200)
  10. Laura Sweeting, Beth Barker (199)

Owain Last Year, hasn’t he grown quickly

There were others in the club that made a good effort despite being severely disadvantaged. So we also rated everyone according to what percentage of their friends reacted to their profile picture. If Owain were to have as many friends as Seb Cheli, he’d have got 638 likes instead of his (still respectable) 108.

  1. Owain Houghton (34.95%)
  2. Rachel Stoner (28.99%)
  3. Vivi Way (27.60%)
  4. Lydia Michaelides (26.95%)
  5. Louis Totton (26.84%)

To get yourself on this list, consider a friend list cull. For instance Ethan Gardner has culled 229 friends over the last year.

Nomads won the team competition, despite many attempts to change the data so some other team could win (see Jervis’ attempt last week for instance). Nothing worked, so they get first place. Hopefully next year one of the other teams could put a little effort in and compete for the title.

Team Table

The Bad

No, I’m not going to call people out here for not getting many likes, that would just be harsh on Damian.

A Wandering Snake

A Wandering Snake

Instead I’m going to try and work out who the snake is in the club (and I don’t mean the Wanderers). Someone has gone through and unliked the entire Nomads team’s profile pictures. This is the worst act of social sabotage recorded in CUHC history.

The CUHC Media Team reacted immediately, launching an independent investigation headed up by Chief Inspector Baz. Matt Jervis, after his criticism of the Nomads in last weeks preview, was initially arrested on suspicion of the crime, but had several alibis (his name is on the like list for a number of the Nomads) so had to be released.

The investigation then compiled a list of everyone who has like a Nomads profile picture, and compared this to the list of members of CUHC. The results were shocking. 12 Squanderers, 5 Wanderers and 3 Beds haven’t liked a single Nomad profile picture. Why all the hate? I reached out to captain Beth Barker for comment, and she reckons she’s got the answer.

I was particularly disappointed to see Harry Leng’s name on the list, since 8 of the Nomads liked his profile to help him win, but he didn’t return the favour. (editors note: CUHC does not take any responsibility for damage done to Harry by the Nomads as a result of this information)

Whilst useful to know, this didn’t help track down the mysterious snake. If anyone has any information that could lead to the identification of the snake then please contact @General_Baz.

The Boring

This year, we are pleased to announce a 100% uptake from the Nomads and Beds. Unfortunately both the Wanderers and Squanderers had someone let the side down.

Deme possibly thought leaving his picture the same would be acceptable if he was in CUHC kit. He was wrong. It’s a pity really as the hair really suits him.

You're Worth It

You’re Worth It

Fletch likewise thought being in kit could get him off the hook. Wrong. So I took a look back through his profile pictures over the years, and the last 7 are in all in CUHC kit (if you include the one where he’s got the CUHC tie on). That’s still no reason not to make it 8 Peter. Two things are infinite: stash possibilities, and profile pictures containing stash.

 

* as measured by number of profile picture changes.

 

Hockey

Apparently there are some league games this weekend.

  • MBlues play Ipswich 1s at Wilby. They won’t have to worry about conserving energy for the following day, but they probably will be thinking about the largest boozing sesh of their year so might be a bit distracted. Still, I’m sure they’ll win as Ipswich are 12 points behind them at the moment.
  • Nomads? More like No-game amirite.
  • WBlues don’t have a game. This gives them the unique opportunity to have a 24 hour long pre before #BDotY, something no team has attempted before.
  • The Wandies also don’t have a game, but won’t be having a 24 hour pmb I hope.
  • No game for the Beds or Squandies – they opted to play the rearranged fixtures from early January next Sunday instead, in order to have the day to mentally prepare themselves for the tasks ahead.

Blunderers Varsity Squad 2018

The only team never to have lost a Varsity to Oxf*rd, the Blunderers are probably the best team in CUHC. 

The Blunderers came into being last year, when Oxf*rd thought by training a team throughout the year with no competition they could avoid the white wash (#5from5). Little did they realise, but as part of a CUHC initiative to provide support to the college hockey teams (The CUHC College Academy) we too had been training a team of our own. The first game of last years #BDotY was a corker, going down to shuffles before light blue triumphed in spectacular style.

With that in mind, we’re delighted to release the team for this year’s Blunderer’s Varsity.

Blunderers 2018