Wilberforce Road development

Rapid progress is being made in the new developments at Wilberforce Road. On the main pitch, some fencing has been removed in preparation for an extended spectators’ area. Behind the main pitch and the athletics track, ground has been cleared for the impending second and third pitches.

View from the balcony and Wilberforce Road.

CUHC Data Protection Statement

Please see below the club’s new Data Protection Statement which was agreed at the Annual General Meeting on 18th May 2018. The Statement can also be found under “Information”, at the bottom of all the website’s pages.

Varsity Teams 2018

It’s Varsity this weekend. What does “Varsity” mean? It means the best hockey players in the university will be playing the oldest grudge match in the sport. It means the biggest crowds and the most noise. It means everything to the 32 players who’ve made the squads, and they’ll not be holding back come Sunday.

Tickets are available online from the Varsity Match website here, or will available on the door. The games will again be played at Southgate Hockey Club, and coaches will be leaving from Cambridge (contact CUHC for tickets and details).

The Mens Blues


The Womens Blues


CUHC’s Most Liked 2018 (#BDotY-eve Preview)

Fletch didn't change his profile picture this year.

Fletch didn’t change his profile picture this year. Shame!

It’s almost here (#imquiteexcited), it’s the day you’ve all been waiting for and there’s no doubt it’s going to be amazing. That’s right, it’s the day that the analysis of the profile picture likes is released.

Everyone will have seen by now the hype generated by the biggest coordinated media campaign in the University*. It’s been effective as well, with CUHC members accruing a considerable amount of the virtual social rep counters we call “Likes”, 9181 reacts in total. This is a little bit less than last year, but without the careful management of a webmaster (#OuEstJean), it was always going to be an uphill struggle.

The Good


What makes a profile picture good? According to Social Scientist Baz, it’s a complex combination of having a good looking game face, having a witty caption and a good filter. We couldn’t be bothered to qualitatively assess each picture though, so instead we just rate them based on results. The first, and most obvious, metric is absolute number of reactions. This years winner was Harry Leng, but not without some controversy. In much the same way Trump’s victory in the US election had Russians involved, Harry’s victory in the profile reactions table was helped in part by 15 angry reacts (presumably from people he has never met and knows nothing about, but happen to be from Oxf*rd and on his friends list). Much like after the firing of Comey, the CUHC webmaster is absent (#AnyoneSeenJean) so there is not enough evidence to indict Harry. I’m not saying that Harry is narcissistic or an egomaniac, but there are some disturbing parallels.

Harry Leng

Congrats to all those who made the top 10, which was again dominated by the Nomads, but with some strong competition from the Wanderers.

  1. Harry Leng (251)
  2. Tristan Hipper (238)
  3. Georgie Jones (232)
  4. Seb Cheli (226)
  5. Ollie Rose (220)
  6. Sophie Wilson (210)
  7. Jess Czink (208)
  8. Harriet Potter (202)
  9. Annie O’Neill (200)
  10. Laura Sweeting, Beth Barker (199)

Owain Last Year, hasn’t he grown quickly

There were others in the club that made a good effort despite being severely disadvantaged. So we also rated everyone according to what percentage of their friends reacted to their profile picture. If Owain were to have as many friends as Seb Cheli, he’d have got 638 likes instead of his (still respectable) 108.

  1. Owain Houghton (34.95%)
  2. Rachel Stoner (28.99%)
  3. Vivi Way (27.60%)
  4. Lydia Michaelides (26.95%)
  5. Louis Totton (26.84%)

To get yourself on this list, consider a friend list cull. For instance Ethan Gardner has culled 229 friends over the last year.

Nomads won the team competition, despite many attempts to change the data so some other team could win (see Jervis’ attempt last week for instance). Nothing worked, so they get first place. Hopefully next year one of the other teams could put a little effort in and compete for the title.

Team Table

The Bad

No, I’m not going to call people out here for not getting many likes, that would just be harsh on Damian.

A Wandering Snake

A Wandering Snake

Instead I’m going to try and work out who the snake is in the club (and I don’t mean the Wanderers). Someone has gone through and unliked the entire Nomads team’s profile pictures. This is the worst act of social sabotage recorded in CUHC history.

The CUHC Media Team reacted immediately, launching an independent investigation headed up by Chief Inspector Baz. Matt Jervis, after his criticism of the Nomads in last weeks preview, was initially arrested on suspicion of the crime, but had several alibis (his name is on the like list for a number of the Nomads) so had to be released.

The investigation then compiled a list of everyone who has like a Nomads profile picture, and compared this to the list of members of CUHC. The results were shocking. 12 Squanderers, 5 Wanderers and 3 Beds haven’t liked a single Nomad profile picture. Why all the hate? I reached out to captain Beth Barker for comment, and she reckons she’s got the answer.

I was particularly disappointed to see Harry Leng’s name on the list, since 8 of the Nomads liked his profile to help him win, but he didn’t return the favour. (editors note: CUHC does not take any responsibility for damage done to Harry by the Nomads as a result of this information)

Whilst useful to know, this didn’t help track down the mysterious snake. If anyone has any information that could lead to the identification of the snake then please contact @General_Baz.

The Boring

This year, we are pleased to announce a 100% uptake from the Nomads and Beds. Unfortunately both the Wanderers and Squanderers had someone let the side down.

Deme possibly thought leaving his picture the same would be acceptable if he was in CUHC kit. He was wrong. It’s a pity really as the hair really suits him.

You're Worth It

You’re Worth It

Fletch likewise thought being in kit could get him off the hook. Wrong. So I took a look back through his profile pictures over the years, and the last 7 are in all in CUHC kit (if you include the one where he’s got the CUHC tie on). That’s still no reason not to make it 8 Peter. Two things are infinite: stash possibilities, and profile pictures containing stash.


* as measured by number of profile picture changes.



Apparently there are some league games this weekend.

  • MBlues play Ipswich 1s at Wilby. They won’t have to worry about conserving energy for the following day, but they probably will be thinking about the largest boozing sesh of their year so might be a bit distracted. Still, I’m sure they’ll win as Ipswich are 12 points behind them at the moment.
  • Nomads? More like No-game amirite.
  • WBlues don’t have a game. This gives them the unique opportunity to have a 24 hour long pre before #BDotY, something no team has attempted before.
  • The Wandies also don’t have a game, but won’t be having a 24 hour pmb I hope.
  • No game for the Beds or Squandies – they opted to play the rearranged fixtures from early January next Sunday instead, in order to have the day to mentally prepare themselves for the tasks ahead.

Blunderers Varsity Squad 2018

The only team never to have lost a Varsity to Oxf*rd, the Blunderers are probably the best team in CUHC. 

The Blunderers came into being last year, when Oxf*rd thought by training a team throughout the year with no competition they could avoid the white wash (#5from5). Little did they realise, but as part of a CUHC initiative to provide support to the college hockey teams (The CUHC College Academy) we too had been training a team of our own. The first game of last years #BDotY was a corker, going down to shuffles before light blue triumphed in spectacular style.

With that in mind, we’re delighted to release the team for this year’s Blunderer’s Varsity.

Blunderers 2018

2s3s Squad Release 2018

With only a week till the big day we can now reveal the squads who will be facing the wrong shade of blue at Iffley Road on the 18th February. The final week of training is about to commence and final preparations are underway.

Congratulations to the players who made the squads. Competition has been tough with everyone wanting to get the opportunity to smash the other place (#5from5) but these are the 64 players tasked with that challenge (Blunderers squad to be announced shortly). GDBO.

Bedouins Squad 2018:

Squanderers Squad 2018:

Nomads Squad 2018:

Wanderers Squad 2018:

Weekend Preview 02/10/18

With the BDOTY only one week away, our very own Matt Jervis (concussed) analyses the FULL KIT swap and BDOTY profile pictures…


Thank you, Jean, for providing me with my chat debut. Here is a look at the most important table (as it stands- Wednesday 10.23):

If you didn’t work it out this shows total reactions on profile pictures. The Sqs have only just put theirs up so they are definitely likely to move up. On first glance, the competition looks done and dusted. However, there was some foul play observed. A new table has been produced:

This adjusts for makeup of course.

Keep working hard on those likes as next week there is a special edition of statistics on profile pictures from the ex-webmaster. The competition is close, especially when makeup accounts for 70 likes per person in the Nomads and some likes in the Beds!!

The weekend preview is done in order of success at Kit Swap.

The Beds are home to Bury St Edmunds who they beat 2-1 away. Part of the reason that the Beds come top of the success chart is that ‘Roberto has been strumming the beds with his fingers’ (Roberta Flack, 2017)….. Later on someone accused Matthew R of brainwashing the beds, claiming they have all gone nuts. With the lowest number of varsity appearances among their team (only 3 players: optastats) they all have fully embraced CUHC life. Except one. She decided to go on her own swap downstairs in curry king, with an anonymous Cypriot Wanderer instead of spending time with the girls. She rated him a 9/10 though. ‘we had nothing to do so I got with him for an hour so that it wasn’t boring’. Furthermore, a self-declared #ginganinja denies any sauce about herself. I however heard that she was the top kisses performer in CUHC on Wednesday. That led to the Beds making a dramatic late comeback to finish 1st.

2nd in the pile are the Wandies who are home to Norwich. They lost 2-1 away. There have been some insights into how this weekend will shape up thanks to Wednesday.

Broby Tooks achieved the highest kisses on the face : profile picture likes ratio this week. How many kisses can you count in this photo? Send in your answers to , first person correct wins a prize! Broby was the main reason the Ws finish 2nd. Congratulations Broby.

In other Wanderers news, look how many new friends JD has obtained over the years!!!!



   Oh dear Jim, oh dear.

Finally, Captain Kirk broke a light in Curry King, and had not even paid to go in. This is part of the reason that Quad-mo is so poor now. This was also part of the reason that Quad-mo cried. The other reason was Kirk sending a message to Quad-mo’s captain which reads as follows:

The Nomads are away to Cam South, who they beat 2-0 at home. I know everyone loves to be updated on the Cambridge Nomads thanks to Jean always providing an insightful update on them. They are home to Alford & District who they lost 3-1 to away. I’ve already used up all my chat about the Nomads in the intro but, apparently, they are quite fun (but, according to the Wandies, obviously not as fun as the Beds).

The MBlues are away in Essex: they beat them 4-2 at home. The highlight of the night was Duckers racing the Gilmore sister in a pint race. No surprises who lost. Duckers was then on his usual terrible form the rest of the night.

Flan(nel)agan had no fun at all by the looks of it. Quad-mo started working on his legs instead of his tris and also forgot we were going on a swap and so went to life at 9.20. Sido lost £160 as he collected money for Curry King. Jean decided to sack the swap and take a new profile picture, have a look!

The MBlues chat is starting to kick off, here is the current leaderboard:

The updated table was sent in by 2-ping Cockers and involves a dramatic move from Jean, who was sitting top, to get relegated straight into the Championship. This allowed room for Duckers to get promoted. Bobin has somehow moved into the Europa League spots despite writing an essay on Wednesday night. Prince Hugo is firmly in the relegation zone. Roberto and Campkin, ex-best school friends, are battling it out midtable.

However, this is not the only competition. Cup competitions always run alongside the league. In the FA Chat First Round, Campkin was drawn against Marc. It was a boring 0-0 draw as neither of them offered any chat. There are further matches to be played this weekend.

The WBlues are home to Sevenoaks, they lost 3-0 away. The women’s blues googledoc of chat was leaked to the club and provides valuable information about the performance in Curry King.

To update all freshers: the famous mystery photo from last year was finally solved to be Campkin!

However, since then, both have moved onto new pastures. Luce (Freddie????) vs Pymo (Jim?????) this year.

Campkin has really come out of his shell and this year acquired a hot d8 to varsity ball. It’s a love story


Campkin dis you?

The WBlues have fallen for Pymo sorry Di-mo woops Tri-mo wait what it’s Quad-mo, oh no, now its Quin-mo. The WBlues however have sensitive tastes and some of this chat has been too spicy so I’m going to cool it back down to a Korma. They have a huge match on the weekend and then have a very big match next Wednesday against a school team (!!!!!) who they previously lost to. Good luck, what a game next Wednesday will be.

The Sqs are away to Dereham, they won 3-2 at home. They currently sit top of the makeup-adjusted profile-picture reactions table!! Unfortunately they sit last in the success table for this week. This is undoubtedly due to:

  • Their questionable new filter
  • Pymo and Sido copying eachother’s captions for the coach photo
  • Damo (MBE) not going out as he has 2 kids and his wife thinks he should probably grow up
  • S.Cheli (pronounced Chelly, not Kelly) going to his first whole club swap of the year

Fletch actually thought that the chat was so bad, in comparison to previous years, that he drove back to Ipswich for his placement before the swap. Better luck next year Sqs.

Good luck to everyone on the weekend. Not all of the facts are non-fiction.

Weekend Preview 03/02/18

This week we again have a guest writer taking on the laborious but honoured task of providing a preview of the upcoming weekend. This is due in its entirety to CUHC’s own Peaky Blinder-lookalike [Jean] again being too afflicted by a severe case of the puss to write a couple of words to entertain his friends. Shocking. Even so there’s plenty of chat to go around and the promise of some good hockey at Wilby, so no need to despair.


{Editors Note: “Unbelievable how much time goes into writing a bit of drivel, completely understand why you outsource it” – T. Sikkenk}


First out of bed will be the Squanderers, who are facing the current head of the league Harleston Magpies 2nd (10:30, @Wilby) in a return of a big number game that woefully ended in 5-3 against. This is after the youngsters managed to waste a perfectly good 1-0 lead in the final phase of the game last weekend, in a classic hommage to their team name. Although in penultimate place, all is not lost for the Squandies and survival in 2N requires only a few more points. Why not take a big scalp and start today boys?

Those staying in Bed are on v Horncastle 1st (11:00, @away), hoping for a repeat of a huge 5-0 win earlier this year. With Horncastle only 7 points behind though, it is sure to be a textbook mid-league clash. For the Beds, the league table has largely settled with only minor disturbances to be expected. However the girls must be excited for this fixture, as “The Beds are super keen, Tamara must have something in her Christmas’ speech – anonymous Wanderer, 29 Jan. 2017” – which might not refer to hockey at all. As the feeling of mutual affection between the team reaches new heights, a post-Varsity swap with the Wandies to reciprocate is already in the planning.

The Nomads are on at noon on home turf v Long Sutton 1st, who are just two points lower in the league. As the only team with a more than fanciful shot at promotion remaining in the club, they surely deserve all the support they can get. How different are things in BUCS, whose Wednesday fixture against UEA 1st (15:15 @away) only has the honour to play for. Fortunately the Nomads seem to hold honour in very high regard, considering the noticeable relative dearth of chat involving these girls with respect to the rest of the female teams – something that they will most likely also be working on this weekend, tbc.

The WBlues are up against Old Loughts 1st (13:00, away) and are looking to repeat a 3-0 win over this rag-tag bunch sitting in bottom place with a single token point. The ladies have been on good form and have been showing some strong hockey, but a notorious lack of focus in the first quarter has resulted in a few close losses recently. Hopefully their new coach’s rotations between the lines and unorthodox positioning of players will manage to bring their performance on the pitch to the level of that off it.

The Blues are playing direct competitor Saffron Walden 1st (Sat 13:30 @Wilby), and will be trying to make up for a disappointing 1-0 loss in the away game*. They have had a few losses recently, and now that ‘top scorer’ M. Jervis is out of action how will the shorties work out? Good thing the boys have had a strong week bonding, scoring wicket after wicket during a nightly round of cricket on Saturday and getting the rigs out for a photo shoot in the nude early Monday morning. Those wishing to put the resulting photos to closer inspection will need to wait till the calendar comes out next term, but might be assuaged by last year’s feature in the DM that can be found under https://tinyurl.com/ycfx4wg8 (shout out to the rigged swimming lad in the punt). Maybe some last minute push ups will help to get hyped pre game too?

  Hopefully the Blues will have to dig les deep for a V than Sean on one of his epic quest for lost balls


The boys are also out on Sunday v CoP 1st (Sun 13:00, away) for a return of the first game of the season, which resulted in 5-2 loss. Even with that score Peterborough was so impressed at the level of play that they had the game postponed twice, so there’s some big expectations. This will prove a useful gauge of how much the Blues have grown this season** and where still to adapt before their last pre-Varsity against Oxf*rd (Wed 17:00 @Wilby).

**Ducker Ollieworth demonstrating to the Blues how to grow

Last up are the noble gentlemen of the Wanderers, who are playing away v Dereham 1st at 13:30. The Wandies are on an impressive streak, winning a massive ’12 points’ last weekend and another win last Wednesday against a 12-man oppo***. The boys need at least 4 more wins out of 6 remaining games not to go down – improving upon a 2-0 loss last time round against Dereham is surely a challenge, but everything is possible now! As long as Histan Tripper has learnt when and where to or not to give space to his adversaries the Wandies might be the source of another upset in the Prem B. Even if they don’t there’s still BUCS, which they are guaranteed to win by a landslide – come to Wilby at 15:00 on Wednesday to see the Wanderers smash another side, Uni. Leicester 2nd.

***One might say the Wandies’ eyes have opened to winning

Obviously hockey’s nice, but there’s also some important matters not to forget about this weekend. Sunday will see CUHC descend once more upon Curry King, who have made the regrettable but wise decision to increase their prices by a massive 25% (how’s that for inflation), surely to in advance compensation for some shoe-on-head related antics. This whole club swap is strictly full kit – a prize (exclusively VKs, I’m counting on you Hipper) for the best dressed attendee to be collected at yours truly. In case you are still in need of some stash to complete your outfit, reputable sources mention that Clare Marsh has some leftover stock of socks … This will be the last night before the pre-Varsity drinking ban takes effect, so it is sure to be a large one. To speak with an another Bed unknown: “don’t be a sack, come to Life” – who knows, maybe the night may even witness Trimo evolving into Quadmo (Quitmo?). Start buying your tickets now people.

If that isn’t enough to satiate you pop down to Hawks for a burger and a pint #fish / team pasta on Friday evening and have a chat for what is likely to prove a big weekend for CUHC!

16 days till BDOTY

30 days till VDay

P.S. The Varsity Ball’s coming up. CUHC being full of snakes as it is, be careful to ask your SO (to be) in time or the opportunity might be lost

Weekend Preview 27/01/18

As January draws to a close the count down to 2s/3s begins

1 month to go: Swinn’s up for it

The Squanderers face off against UEA away at UEA’s very own AstroTurf pitch at 2.30pm this week. The boys find themselves joint bottom as we enter a crucial few weeks of the season. UEA are two places above but lost 3-2 to Peterborough last week. The Squandies will be going into the game tomorrow eyeing up 3 points and a significant jump up the table.

The Men’s Blues played excellent hockey for vast swathes of last week’s game against Spalding and came home with a big win. They will be hoping they can kick on from this result and take the scalp of the league leaders St Albans tomorrow. Due to a number of postponed and rearranged games, St Albans haven’t played since Christmas but will certainly be a big challenge. Meet at Oaklands College at 3pm to see if the boys can cause an upset.

The Wanderers are still looking for their first win of the season as they encounter Wisbech Town 1s at home at 12pm this weekend. Wisbech are looking in form after a big 4-1 win last week but I am reliably informed that they do not travel well. A win tomorrow would see the Wandies make a big step towards the teams grouped 8 points above them.

In some lovely second team mirroring, the Nomads are also facing off against Wisbech Town this weekend. Cambridge Nomads are currently sat 8th and drew 1-1 last week to Long Sutton. Luckily, our Nomads are not the Cambridge Nomads. Cambridge University 2s are currently sat 3rd and will be looking to bounce back after their minor blip last week which saw them win 9-0 against St Ives 2s. Wisbech Town are struggling for form after Christmas and lost 9-0 to Alford and District last week. Come and support the Cambridge University 2s (Nomads) at 12pm. Make sure you don’t accidentally go and watch the Cambridge Nomads play Cambridge South at Long Road Sixth Form College.

The Women’s Blues take on West Herts 1s at 1.30 at Wilby this weekend. Both teams lost last weekend, the Blues to Wapping and West Herts to Canterbury, and will be looking to win well tomorrow to press forward and up the table.

March Town travel to Wilby this weekend to play the Beds. March will be a little rusty after their game was cancelled due to poor weather last week and the beds will be looking to avenge last week’s 2-0 loss to Bourne Deeping. Could be goals galore tomorrow…

Weekend Preview 20/01/18

AlumDin has come and gone, the days are getting longer, can we really be only a month away from the best day of the year?

Missing Have you seen this man? Talented but very unfit midfielder with questionable chat and a hankering to be Union President. Last seen at Blues Ball 2015. 

Chat is hard to come by in January. You will have to make do with an old school, information heavy, weekend preview. Best of luck to all the teams.

The Women’s Blues take on Wapping 1s this week at the Lee Valley Hockey and Tennis center at 12.30 in the afternoon. Last week’s draw against St Albans (currently 2 above them in the league) suggests the Blues have wintered well. Currently sat 9th with a goal difference of -1, the blues will hope a big win tomorrow allow them to start to reign in the teams grouped just 3 points above them.

The Nomads will be hoping to build on last week’s 3-1 win against Spalding when they face off with St Ives 2s tomorrow. Sat 5th in the table, and very much part of the top group of teams where 3 points separate second to fifth, a big win would cause a significant reshuffle. Head down for 12pm at the Wilberfortress to see the girls in action.

Arthur Mellow is welcoming the Beds to his pitch tomorrow where we see them tee off against Bourne Deeping 1s. A mixed bag of results since the Christmas break sees the Beds sat 5th separated by a small gap from the top 4. The girls will be hoping they can replicate their 1-0 win against Spalding from last week, and will be keen to avoid a repeat of the 4-1 loss to Bury St. Edmonds a fortnight ago.

The Squandies are hosting St Ives 1s at Wilby this week. Coming off the back of a 2-1 win over Pelicans they will be hoping they can secure another victory in order to start climbing up the table. Second bottom at the season mid point the boys need to start to string together some results to avoid a tense end to the season.

The Wandies are also being entertained by Arthur Mellow this week where they square off with Bourne Deeping 1s. A 4-1 loss last week to Cam City has no doubt put the pressure on the boys to crank out a good result this week and take a step off the bottom of the table. The Wandies will be without James Campkin and Jonny Parke this week but with Varsity selection only around the corner I think we can expect some big performances.

The Men’s Blues are taking on Bluehearts at their own game tomorrow. Pushing on from their 9-3 win against Spalding last week the Blues are eyeing up catching the group of 5 teams spread over 4 points 9 points in front. Matt Jervis (last week’s MOMDOD) has promised that no minors will be reduced to tears this week. Bad bloke.