Last Weekend

Match reports for Saturday 1st December 2018

01/12/2018 Norwich City 1s 1 - Men's Blues 2 | MoM TJ

Sunday 25th November – BRIDGEMAS

1st notable event of the day was cuppers vs Robinson.  Tony Brooks straight up refused to save anything so one of the opposition asked him if it was his first time between the sticks.  This must’ve really knocked his confidence; it is rumoured to be the predominant factor leading to his drop from the training squad by Thursday.  Fortunately, we were still able to grind out a 3-2 win with Harry Fatkins making no apology for scoring a vicious dragflick that deflected in off a girl’s face.

S&C came and went at 2pm and 3pm respectively.  We learnt that none of us are as strong as gymnasts and, in the most likely case, none of us will ever be as strong as gymnasts.

We reconvened at CiS mince pies and mulled wine before heading to carols to sing our hearts out.  Hans Numberwang particularly enjoyed screaming his heart out. Spoons followed for some large beers before we descended on cindies for 6:45pm sharp.  And Christmas dinner did not disappoint.

The second knock to Tony’s confidence came when an anonymous club president decided to stop kissing him and start kissing the Wacky Wavy Inflatable Men instead.  In other news I hear that Santa was good to all that had signed up.

Notable absences were Jonny-Staunton-Staunton-Sykes (had friends visiting), Tomás TJ Jackson Jackson (too busy spying for the Russians in London) and Montague Singent Python Taylor Fynn (technically present but offering nothing).


Wednesday 28th November – BUCS WEDNESDAYS

I successfully made it to Wilby for our 6am meet before returning to my slumbers on the coach.  The journey was really long and really slow which meant we didn’t arrive until 1:58pm. Fortunately, Captain Seen had foresean our late arrival and so did the starting line up on the bus instead of the usual 15 seconds before pushback.   This saved some time but clearly not enough as we only had 7 players on the pitch when the umpire started the game at 2:00pm on the dot. I told him this was really silly and asked if he had checked if our keeper was ready as umpires usually do and he said that he had places to be after the game so if we were late that was tough.  Plymouth also thought the umpire was being silly so they very kindly kept possession in their half while Tony put his pads on and the rest of our team ran onto the pitch. Despite the fiasco we managed to win 7-2 with me filling in at half back as Hans Wangernumb forgot how to play there as well as forgetting the whole day because he got concussion even though he doesn’t remember how.

We picked up the girls in Exeter on the way back and motored on towards Cambridge, abandoning Han in the Far West.  Take me out proved to be a great way to pass the time and encourage mingling between those who had played in Plymouth and those who had played in Exeter.  By the time we got back it was pretty late so I went to bed but I am told some soldiers made it to cindies to celebrate an epic day of journeying across England.


Saturday 1st December – PINCH PUNCH 1ST OF THE MONTH

Ed ‘N Shoulders’ Tyler declared he had 5 jars of award-winning homemade honey going spare and was willing to share these with the deals.  A shotty race ensued with all members of the team keen to get their paws on a jar. The honey also provided a great conversation starter for our drive to Norwich as Thom Jackson, Kieran Kilogram Gilmore and I took it upon ourselves to work out how much honey Ed’s 2 hives would produce in a year.  Our raw data (perhaps quite far from the truth) was that each bee produces a teaspoon of honey in its lifetime; each bee lives for one year; there are 5 thousand bees in a hive but remember that the queen bee does not produce any honey. Our conclusion: 50 jars. When we arrived in Norwich we asked Ed what the real figure was and he told us it was 65 kilos (!).  I was worried that this would spark another healthy debate into how the kilogram is measured and how it had very recently been redefined but fortunately the team were too preoccupied thinking about the sheer quantity of honey being produced. Instead, the conversation moved onto the possibility of swimming in a pool of honey. Apparently, some studies have been done looking into this and the conclusion is that you should be able to swim in honey as you do in water provided that you are strong enough.  Unfortunately, no one is strong enough (not even gymnasts). For those interested in the mathematics behind it, I direct you towards this link:

With the honey chat drying up, it was decided that it was time to focus on the match ahead.  Kieran told us that as they were near the bottom of the league we should make sure to put the bed to game early.  I wasn’t really sure what this meant but I was certain that if we could do as he said then we would come away with all 3 points.  I’m pretty sure that none of us took Kieran’s well offered advice which meant that the game was pretty close and we only just won by 2 scorepoints to 1.  Most of the team then rushed off to Heathrow to go skiing somewhere leaving just 7 of us at teas. In a hectic week with many strong DoD shouts, I was surprised to find a number of votes bearing my name.  This appeared to be because I was wearing shorts instead of trousers as my post-match attire. MoM went to Tim, son of Jack, because he scored a couple of goals.

I’d also like to extend a special shout out to George Aylard for his cracking performance in goal.  With Will Cotton skiing and Tony Brooks dropped we needed someone to step up to the task at hand. Thank you, George.

MoM – TJ.
DoD – Roberts.

01/12/2018 Wanderers 4 - 1 Norwich City 2s | MoM Harper

Match Report: Saturday 2st December Wanderers 4-1 Norwich City 2s


“Gibson for Dod? I’ve never heard that before”. Well yes, you would not have heard this before this week. I was attempting to make it all the way through undergrad and a PhD without ever being Dod but alas, this world is not perfect. It does, however, give me the opportunity to write my first ever match report in my sixth year.


This week has been an eventful one. Last Sunday the wonderful occasion that is Christmas Dinner happened to fall on Bridgemas and boys and grills alike were excited at what the evening may hold. After a delightful Woga session (I am told) some Wanderers joined many other CUHC members for mince pies and mulled wine before a carol service. Mulled wine is known to increase the quality of singing and this was evident as O Come All Ye Faithful was sung with particular gusto from certain sections of the congregation. A wholesome afternoon would soon give way to a one way trip to the refuse container for many of these gentlemen. The Wanderers were entertained by some Christmas dubstep on their way to Cindois which confused many but spirits were definitely high as we arrived for the pre-drinks. The dinner itself passed without too much incident but before the dessert could be served we gained our first casualty of the evening. Not a person but a home. Jangleterre has a penchant for destroying homes and it had not even reached 8pm before a poor fresher Bed found herself in tears wondering whether to repair a broken home that had been built on sand or whether she should build one on the shifting sands of the Homertonian. Personally I think houses should be built on rock but no-one ever listens to me. Composure was regained only for the same Bed to break down in tears 20 minutes later and admit that the house was irreparable and that the only solution was to build a new one. Time passed on and Ji-Sung Parke weaponised himself again before Jinglaterra was spotted making his new home (before 9pm).


The Wanderers are traditionally of a snaky persuasion (AJ memorial fines) and it was none other than El Capitan who neglected to tell us of his absence from Christmas dinner. It was only when his speech was videocast from his room in Catz that everyone realised they couldn’t understand him. Larold Peng the 4th is indeed a difficult man to decipher but it is difficult to hear people from the inside of the bin. The Lenginator may have to watch out as [anonymous Squanderers’ captain] delivered a fine speech including singing and beatboxing and may now outrank him in the hallowed halls of CUHC.


I may have been saved from Dod if Mr Jason Allen (RIP old Jallen) was playing this weekend. We shall start with the hipflask. Now those who have frequented previous Christmas Dinners will know that bringing extra alcohol is not required and yet this year’s Social Undersecretary decided that bringing a hipflask into the cloob was a necessary precaution against sobriety. Unfortunately for Jallen the bouncer spotted this device and he was forcibly removed from proceedings. To our delight the little man (not the littlest Wanderer) reappeared to perform the same trick and get re-ejected. 3 more times. How he got back in we do not know but there is photographic evidence (see below) of Jallen explaining the mathematics of a reverse Botswana to an unsuspecting ex-fresher Nomad before losing his keys. Thankfully his Secret Santa had been thoughtful enough to provide a set of Jallen keys (also below) to alleviate the problem so after kissing many things on the face he found his way back home. Well, as much as anywhere is Cambridge can be for a real Northerner.


Monday came around far too soon for some of us and while elder medics would have preferred a movie night we all turned up to Wilby for an evening of intense training. While the offer of joining the Nomads’ fitness session was tempting it was turned down and this must have been the origin of the ill-feeling that denied us the opportunity to play against the Nomads on Thursday. I was rather glad of a quieter week as a certain research group Christmas dinner found me in a rogue Wednesday Lola’s before heading to Van to try to find fellow Wanderers. Frequenting the bin twice in one week was deemed a large enough change of routine (fair enough) for the wanderer who “loves the van loves the man loves the plan” to be voted Dod.


Upon arriving at a wonderful warm watered wild wholesome wintery windy wandering Wilby I found a certain Ed Sides in goal for the Squanderers as Will Catton had forgotten to turn up and so incurred a rather large late fine. The knowledge of this Will make Argentum feel far better as he was nowhere to be found and having rung Harry (“Hi Harry, me again”) he caught a big fish in the form of Harry’s Uber to bring him to the match about a minute before pushback. I make that £30 of late fines which amounts to around 80 grams of Will.


The match started very well for the Wandies and Peng scored twice in the opening 6 minutes. The Wanderers then decided that hockey was too easy to play properly and a few rather choppy tackles left us with 10 men twice in the first half. How we conceded a goal I have no memory but the nerves were calmed just before half time as a delightful diagonal pass to Ethan split the Norwich defence and some composed passing found the ball in the back of the goal (scored by Tintin) to make it 3-1. The usual Jelly Babies were not provided by Jack as he had opted for Tangfastics instead. This seemed to work as after Harry’s team talk (Is it “get bored” or “don’t get bored”?) the Wanderers played tangfastically in the second half, controlling the game and even adding another goal (finish from over the head by J Parke) to leave the scoreline a healthy 4-1.  A wonderful Wandies win at Wilby.


One more for the yard…

01/12/2018 Squanderers 4-2 CoP 5s | MoM Sides
Dear Father Christmas,
My name is anonymous squanderers captain, I’m 20+1 years old and I live at the Wilberfortress. So far this year I’ve been a really good boy. I’ve not got a single late fine so far this season, and I only had a major PMB once. I’ve made some delicious refreshments for the squanderers and I’ve tried my best to be as good a bloke as possible at all times.
I know your elves are really really busy right now, but for the 2nd best day of the year, I would really like the following presents:
  • Microphone (preferably bluetooth) – I really found my beat on Sunday and I think I could really make it on the big time. I just need some more practice.
  • Keyboard – Writing lyrics is a talent that not many are blessed with, but with my mate Ed providing a sick tune, I’ve got all the lyrics in the bag. Stay tuned for my next big hit.
  • Nice Photograph – Although Pyman’s effort at getting me a new profile pick was commendable, I probably should get a new one, so a quality photo would be good, maybe without Tim and fresher PMA.
  • Coat hook rack – I think they’re all back in their owners possession now, but since the cloakroom lady was not very happy with me (it was cold but admittedly I didn’t need that many jackets), I could do with a coat hook rack or arms as long as Tom Whitworth’s.
  • Goals – The squandies are playing some really good hockey, but we just need to score more goals. A solid performance today against CoP gave us 3 much-needed points.
  • Facial hair – I tried really hard this Movember, but there’s more grass on a wicket in Mumbai than my moustache. I’d like to put in a solid effort next Movember.
  • Light Blue fleece – I can’t get enough of these. They’re so nice and just the perfect colour. I hear you may have outsourced these to CUHC, so please get Paddy and Bethan something nice to say thank you!
Whilst I know other CUHC members will write their own letters, I’d really like to ask you to give some other people some presents:
  • Guy – A quality addition to the squanderer, and he has a quality skill move. However, he’s becoming a bit of an Arjen Robben, so a divestment of his skill portfolio would be appreciated.
  • Sides – After having worried the MBlues keeper enough to result in major post-match enquiries, this fella really needs a keeper kit. Fancying himself as the new Manuel Neuer, with distribution to die for, he could do with some tips from Keylor Navas on shot stopping
  • Wilde – The Wblues may have had a ZipCar with a ‘flat bat’ this weekend, but it’s still more reliable than this fellas hamstring. Sort him out with a new one please.
  • Brignal – A man with eyes for only one thing. It’s very clean, has a tall slender outline and is sparkling with joy. Get him a few bottles of San Pellegrino.
CUHC, I hope you all have a fantastic Christmas break.
CUHC love,
Anonymous Squanderer Captain
*mic drop*
01/12/2018 Women's Blues 4 - 0 Lowestoft Ladies 1s | MoM Annalise

Saturday for the Women’s Blues began with a start so early that Advent calendars were unable to be opened and porridge struggled to be digested. This is because we had to drive to Lowestoft – which happens to be the most easterly point on mainland Britain. In an odd coincidence, this is a fact I was actually recently informed of by Peter Akyol. Despite being pretty suspicious about some of his other trivia, I can confirm that Lowestoft is far away.

It turns out that the early start was, as forewarned by the Weekend Preview, too early for some. Fresher Lucy became the second of the team’s first-years to succumb to sleeping through her alarm (surprisingly this has not included Rollie Ming, despite her ability to sleep literally anywhere). The lack of freshers almost went unnoticed, as everyone was actually more distracted by the second early casualty of the morning – Hatty Darling’s Zipcar.

Happily for all, the Trinity Hall Porters were on hand to save the day by knocking on Sleepy Lawrence’s door until she arose from her post-Selwyn Snowball slumber and we managed to squeeze everyone into our remaining functioning cars. This unfortunate start meant that my little Toyota Yaris was quite full, and I was a bit worried about how it would manage going all the way to Lowestoft because its acceleration is poor at the best of times. It actually coped much better than anticipated, and Datty Harlington even commented that though not her usual aggressive speed, she was pleasantly surprised by the pace at which we moved.

Even so, the car journey was very long, and I unfortunately had not packed my best mixtape of ‘Careoke’ (good, I know) songs – feat. much Jimmy B and Shanya Twain – meaning that we had to experiment with various radio stations along the way. ‘The Beach’ and ‘Future’ provided some highlights, including a classic 2008 time tunnel and some suspect ‘bangers’ which Bethan Boncur particularly enjoyed.

Radio Norwich helped us out with a few carols, to which the dubious tone of the singalong was reminiscent of the pre-Christmas Dinner Carol service. I don’t think David Gibson really enjoyed sitting next to me at the carols because I really am quite bad at singing – something which was exaggerated by the fact I was completely thrown by his insistence on singing the descant every time.

The conversation then turned to Christmas Dinner itself, which provided some fruitful car chat. Mainly this involved my passengers laughing at me for offering “highly fun” but “potentially fresher style” behaviour. However, there were also some solid contributions from Birthday girl Emy Adwards and Left-back Hatty who required and rejected various methods of being taken home.

The general consensus was that Cindoirs exceeded all expectations. I have been to quite a few Christmas Dinner’s, but none have ever not been in Wilby. This was a bit sad because I have some excellent memories of Wilby Christmas Dinners past but did have the benefit of reducing my considerable admin load (Bella actually asked me the other day whether CUHC paid me for my admin time lol). Defender Darling seemed to have less success at recollecting previous dinners which I’m pretty sure is correlated with her poor success at being able to find her possessions and clothes after the event.

Anyway, we had never seen it held in Condors and were pleasantly surprised by both the ambience and the dining experience. They even provided a microphone for the speeches; I reckon Owain’s song is likely to go down with other seminal dinner happenings, including Woodford’s mini, Peregrine Dunn’s speech, and Tom Jackson Jackson’s first CUHC Christmas dinner. In fact, apart from Matthew Jervo and Ollie Duckerworth moving some name badges at the start, the event seemed to be all running quite in hand until Cindies decided to lock the whole of CUHC in John’s Bar.

By the time we reached Lowestoft, we had come to the conclusion that it was this point of the evening that really did it for lots of us, because when confined to this space, all CUHC really did was buy lots of drinks (this (un)fortunately also coincided with the point of the evening when I made the considered decision to stop ‘being sensible’). Come the world class session of Liquid Drum and Bass on the dfloor, much deleting had happened and I’m told lots of killing it was happening.

The match itself was quite slow, but we did some quite good things and some bad things – although the worst thing was probably Right-back Hattie’s unheavenly parking! We spent large proportions of the of the match in Lowestoft’s 25, but unfortunately all of their players were also there, making it quite tricky to score. Batrice Hevra decided to take two draggies from outside of the D which set us back a little bit, but soon enough, Monty put us ahead from her self-named short-corner.

The second half saw a pretty slick Wannalise deflection, which soared past everyone into the back of the net and received huge plaudits from Lowestoft’s sideline coach. After putting herself in strong contention ‘most overdramatic reaction to being hit on the foot’, Bella Badt slotted in our third. Annabeast banged in her second following some neat team play, cheered enthusiastically from the sidelines by Jim’s mum and Grandad.

Everyone else rushed home to go skiing, but by virtue of being a safe driver, I managed to sneakily trade everyone in my car for non-skiers and we, plus Cucia Lorry and Jim’s mum, got to eat all the teas – a rogue but enjoyable whitebait, roast potatoes and sausage roll combo – located in the even more rogue attraction of  Lowestoft’s ‘Africa Alive’. Mom went to Annalise, and whilst sleep-deprived Lucy actually won out for Dod, I took pity and offered to write the match report because I remembered that being a fresher at the end of term is really tiring. Next week sees another away-day and another opportunity for goals, points and post-match wines.

01/12/2018 Nomads 4 - 0 Wisbech Town 1s | MoM Soph G

Wisbech arrived at the Wilberfortress unbeaten in 2 games (quite good for them). We arrived unbeaten in 1 game (quite good for us). Head Coach Jerv and assistant coach Duckers didn’t turn up (shock). Thankfully for us, we were not playing at the beach (McNab, Shears & Murphy, 2018). Wisbech have, shockingly, only picked up 4 points away all season. We were therefore in good spirits. I personally was very excited for the game (but slightly more excited to go skiing straight after). We then started playing hockey – we scored 4 goals (credz to Soph^2 and Lizzie for their goals. One of the Soph’s scored 2 and got Mom). Fortunately, we also have a really good keeper (and I’m not talking about Duckers or Jerv) and so we let no goals in. I missed teas as I had to go to Heathrow and get on a flight to France because as a fresher you have to go on varsity trip apparently. Jerv and Duckers didn’t show up and we won. This often happens. Duckers actually hasn’t turned up to a win yet (shock again).


Thank you so much to Jerv and Duckers for their incredible work this term. They are genuinely the best coaches I have ever had and we are all eternally grateful to them. They work tirelessly and have so much knowledge about hockey. They have really transformed me as a player. If I had to sum them up in 1 word: inspirational.

MoM: Soph G

DoD: Connie