Last Weekend

Wanderers 1s vs. Sudbury (L 6-1)

Sunday 29th September

The Wanderer’s 1st XI consisted of 16 players although 18 players played for the Wanderer’s 1st XI last weekend. If this confuses you, the Wanderers 1st XI had two games, which we called a ‘double header’. Although I think this is a dubious name because in no part of the weekend did anything have two heads. 

After our 3rd and fourth halves against eleven players from Bourne Deeping, we felt good because we scored four more goals than them which gave us three points. As a result, we felt that we deserved some Joe Candlers so we went to Wanderer’s 1st XI’s Captain’s kitchen in order to have a few cold ones. 

At the kitchen, we travelled a.r.o.u.n.d. t.h.e. w.o.r.l.d. and took, urm, some trains. We then rolled some polymer cubes with numbers on. I’m quite good at this sport, but other players were not and very abusive so they were obliged to give a pleasant sight to onlookers from the lane. 

When the boring gentlemen of some rowing club had finished the jug they all shared and left Hawks, we went in to help D.J. clean up. We can only assume they were all sober, because from the state of the floor, they did not manage to get any in their mouths.

As predicted, following the trend of every social since 1890, the evening escalated. The drink of Thomas Hawk was consumed by many until 11:00:00 BST. Hymns were duly sung and some of the men managed to speak to the ladies that had courteously attended. At one point, I managed to find myself surrounded by a lovely foursome. However, this was quite scary and so I tried to scare them away by spilling a jug everywhere. Surprisingly they all returned, and so in a state of panic, the only plausible option I had left was to start a rendition of the Shandy Man. This allowed me to use my well-defined calves to propel myself upright and thus escape, the inevitable point where I have no tiny talk left.

When DJ told us that we should probably leave, because the sun was rising in Vladivostok, the Shocial shecs shadminned sheir shonly shjob, and left CUHC in the streets. Whilst Vice Captain Ethan Francis’ kitchen was an option that Izzy Austin, Texas vigorously persuaded the entirity of CUHC to pursue, Vice Captain Ethan Francis was not as enthusiastic and so on our arrival we had to tell the huge crowds they were not welcome. This went down better than I expected, although it did mean that CUHC were left in the streets. At this point I decided that nothing good could come from staying out later, so I decided to walk home.

On my way home, I was delighted to share my stroll with a well lubricated English Jack. Jacques d’anglais thought it was a good idea to cycle home. I thought it was not. Despite my best efforts, Englisch Wagenheber managed to sit on his two wheeled death machine and play a game of human pinball in the taxi rank. Once the pinball had fall into the drain and we had spoken to the taxi drivers, who were angry about his new highscore, I was pleasantly met by two fellow pensioners. Jimothy and Eduard live a long way away from anywhere fun and kindly agreed to escort Gato Inglès to his abode which is also far away.

Monday 30th September

With the full Izabella Montégomès, The Queenio’s College of St Margaret and St Bernard, on tour alongside former president, ex-nomad and current blue Olive, The College of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Saint John the Evangelist and the glorious Virgin Saint Radegund, near Cambridge, the nomads were left with me to push pass on my limited knowledge. Whilst my prefrontal cortex, frontal lobe, and parietal lobe were saturated with ideas about the best ways to drill the nomads, it appears the atmosphere was super-saturated with oxidane, and so it rained. A lot.

Nonetheless, the nomads ploughed on and trained well. They didn’t like that I made them run a lot, but as I told them, running is important and you should be able to run more fast so that there are less people who are more fast than you which will mean you wilby better at hockey.

Because the wandies had had a two-headed weekend, they were feeling tired and so did not train. This was a good idea because it meant I could coach the nomads but also watch people run, rather than run myself which would have hurt my well-defined calves.

Tuesday 1st October

I did worry at the time of writing that this was going to be a 12C copy of Monday 30th September, but the lord must have foreseen I was going to be DoD, and so made sufficient changes such that Tuesday 1st October was sufficienlty unique in order to merit inclusion in my match report.

The main difference was that the Wandies did train, allowing me to use my well-defined calves, and the nomads also trained but now at a different hour of the day. The Nomads asked me to teach them how to reverse hit, or as they sometimes call it on the television, a Thomas Hawk. It should be made clear that while I did manage to be semi-half successful at informing them how to hit the ball with the part of the back of the stick that isn’t curved, I, myself have intermittent success with this skill and so once they all got the idea and were poor-to-average we swiftly moved on before I had to make any basic-to-advanced coaching points.

Wednesday 2nd October

This was my final day of coaching of the Nomads, which I think they were quite happy about. I also found a Wantian hanging around Pitch 1, Wilberforce Road Sports Ground, Wilberforce road, CB3 0HQ. Because HFLTBeds [Hantian Flourescently Loves The Bedouin for the uninitiated], he kindly helped out watching them run and hit the ball with their sticks. 

I think the Wanderers 1s then had a training session, but I can’t really remember since all the days get really similar in pre-season. Anyway, I’ve digressed…

The evening of Wednesday 2nd October was then spent in Grandma’s Mexico. Beforehand, a little Wanderers 1s went to the house of Captain Rose Petal of The College of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Saint John the Evangelist and the glorious Virgin Saint Radegund, near Cambridge, to have some Demetris Stellanous. Once lubricated, we arrived unfashionably £3 late, and so we had to cram in a corner. I had a lovely date with Saido Eduardo on a table for two. After a few Mexican Crown’s and a silly hand squeezing game from Thomasch Vitvorth, I took on my alter ego of Paddy McIrish Ale. Despite my best efforts to “let the K see the dilla”, there was not a lot of likey. I attributed this to the fact that few freshers possessed a worthwhile party trick.

After a brief trip to portugal place, the stragglers visited the college of the not so Blessed Bloody Mary, Saint John’s bar, and the glorious light blue Venkatesen, ubiquitously known as Ballare. Here I made some decisions which lead to me writing this match report.

Whilst I cut some polyhedra, I met a Cinderella. A four foot defender apparently slurred to me, I should not be affectionate, but as an anon. Bedouin pointed out, this four foot defender would show affection to anything that breathes, although insects don’t technically breathe and I think he would show them affection. Nevertheless, I showed a brief display of affection. It then stopped and I carved out some more polyhedra, faked some lyrics and then went home to find my bed because my well-defined calves were tired.

Thursday 3rd October

If there’s one thing I have learnt while at The Chancellor, Masters, and Scholars of the University of Cambridge, it is that alcohol (more specifically dil. C2H5OH but consuming CH3OH amongst others is also very strongly not advised) is bad for you. 

For those of you also looking to avoid the experience of various unpleasant physiological and psychological effects following the consumption of alcohol, the NHS provides some very sage advice, which at the aim of avoiding going into too much detail can be found by the hyperlink. Another pinch of parsley advice is not to overexert yourself if you have had one or a little too many. Sadly, this has not been heard by Kirani Giless is not moure, who made us all run a lot in some counter-attack drills.

Friday 4th October

To the delight of many, the joke that I am a fresher is, in fact, not a joke, but an actual fact this year. This means I have had to make new ‘friends’, because my college has told me too.

This meant my Friday was spent doing lots of [forced] fun activivies. 

In having the honour of matriculating again, I had to go to various mixers. It turns out that whilst undergrads basically just come from London, the grad students come from many different places, and many different countries. Because I don’t have a degree in colouring in, I didn’t even know where some of these places were, which became quite awkward when I had to politely admit that I had no idea. Nonetheless, they were very nice about it and I learnt a lot. Fun fact that the average age of a grad student is 25. This means I am now a very fresh grad. 

Whilst the graduate students went on a domesticated fresher’s night out, I stayed at home and watched the latest round of Monday Night Hockey on my own very domesticated Friday night. 

Saturday 5th October

The Wanderers 1s travelled to a place called Sudbury. They welcomed us with a tweet, which I replied to in order to show our excitement. They claimed to have the sandiest pitch in the East Leagues. This is a bold claim. 

The Wanderers 1s played like the Wanderers 2s and so came second at the final whistle. We were a bit disappointed about the result, but it gave us food for thought. This is another strange idiom, which if anyone, who’s read this far, knows it’s origin then please let me know.

After our game, we came home. Knowing I was writing a match report, my prefrontal cortex, frontal lobe, and parietal lobe were now saturated with ideas of ways to fill a page with many words with as little meaning as possible. This meant I left my house keys in the car. This was a problem and so I had to cycle more than I had hoped. Silly Fresher.

Wandies vs. Blueharts (L 5-2)

The weekend of the 20+1stof September 2019 was a disappointing one for the now aging Wanderers. Not wanting to dwell on it, here is a summary: whistles were blown, the ball was round, hockey was played, sticks clashed, cards were shown, umpires were blind, teams swapped ends at half time, hockey continued to be played, more goals, cards and blindness. In total 7 goals; 2 to the good, 5 to the bad. That’s enough of that…

In terms of social performance, the Wanderers put on a fantastic show. We attended Ollie Rose’s delightful kitchen because Mr Can’t-beer (name changed to protect the identities of those involved) decided to repaint my bathroom tiles and I got in trouble last weekend during Séãnò’s huge 20+1st. The unusual new cocktail concoction of Pimm’s and G+T received mixed reviews but was easy to drink. Games were played and freshers and older players were baffled by the rules as always – seriously I don’t think I’ve truly understood any of them yet. After being muscled out of Hawks by the women’s rugby team (they’re very intimidating) Lewis invited all of CUHC to John’s bar – a decision he would later regret. The Wanderers arrived first and were soon joined by a some of the girls – much to the delight of fresher Owain, who was desperate to show off his knowledge of Excel functions. The Squandies were unfortunately denied entry after a run in with the porters and so the Wandies were tasked with restoring the reputation of poor Lewis – an “asset” of St. Johns college. Fortunately, we were well behaved and games were played and Spoons was attended without a single Wanderer being left behind.

Fantasy hockey seems to be all that is talked about in CUHC at the moment, so I’ve decided to expand open Owain’s fantastic weekend preview and provide a brief report of all the members of the Wanderers so that you can all (particularly the freshers) make an informed decision and maximise your fantasy points. You’re welcome:


1. Owain Houghton 

The freshest face to join the Wanderers this year. Mr Houghton has thus far spent all of his time staring at spreadsheets and crunching the numbers for the beloved fantasy hockey. Despite not scoring in the opening game this season, he has been firing home goals in training and will be looking to do just that this weekend. A fine addition to your team and is surely the most experienced hockey freshers throughout CUHC.

2. Joe Chandler

Already a master of the ANAWSTOB (cred. Ollie Duckworth) and having already roofed one for the Wanderers in the first match, Joe is sure to be one of the top picks for this weekend. But will his form continue into this weekend? Only time will tell…

Fig 1. The anawstob pictured for any confused freshers

3. Tim Venkatessen

Staying true to his name sake, the delicatessen, VK offers a fine and varied selection of goal scoring delicacies for the Wanderers. VK is fantasy obsessed and desperate for the coveted CUHC fantasy hockey trophy, he will not miss any opportunities to score this weekend and get himself to the top of the leader board. He won’t be around for long and will soon be returning to hospitals in the Cambridgeshire area in order to “electrocute people” under the guise of a ‘medical professional’, so get him in your team now so you don’t miss out!

4. David Gibson

Work horse up top for the Wandies. David never stops running on pitch and often manages to find himself with an open goal tap in. Consistent goal scorer for the boys, he looks to provide a consistent stream of fantasy points and is perhaps a hidden gem for any fantasy hockey side.

5. Ben Rushmore

New addition to the Wanderers forward line, Ben is looking to make big waves in the east leagues. He’ll no doubt be hungry for his first CUHC goal and I’m sure will stop at nothing to make it happen this weekend. 


1. George Philips

Fig.2 . El Jéfe’s drag flick visualised

Having spent his summer studying the effects of gravity in the Cambridge physics lab, George has mastered the loopy drag flick. He scored countless goals from this technique last year and could score a lot of fantasy points this season. Unfortunately, the physics labs don’t seem to be equipped with a razor and George now appears to have modelled himself on Wolverine, whether this will impact his game is yet to be seen.

2. Ethan Francis 

AVOID at all costs. Ethan had an absolute disaster in the first game, picking up a cynical green card and losing a game of simple 20+1 to be DoD. Unfortunately, he also captained himself during the double points weekend, giving himself a huge -24 points – a poor start to the fantasy season. Again, personally, I’d avoid picking him for your team.

3. Matt Gleeson

The powerhouse of the Wanderers midfield. Gleeson is a fantastic holding midfielder for the boys and although he didn’t score many goals last year, he is a very solid pick for your fantasy team; rarely picking up cards and always seems to be in the running for MoM. 

4. Tom Edminston

New to the Wanderers this year, Tom has made waves in the midfield. He has a thirst for goals and on his first weekend made some dangerous looking forward leads. Serious potential to earn a lot of fantasy points; a good addition to any fantasy team.

5. Harry Leng

Mr Peng, as top goal scorer last year, is surely an essential pick for your fantasy team. He has maintained his position as drag flicker for the Wanderers and, having scored at the weekend, already displayed his passion for goals. Despite spending all summer in his “PJ’s” (this apparently refers to private jets rather than pyjamas for those who don’t know), his fitness is already top notch and he will no doubt be looking to find the backboard again this weekend.


1. Lewis Collins

Lewis is rock solid at centre back. He offers little chat to the umpires (and in general) and is also hoping to establish himself as a flicker for short corners. He could be a massive point scorer in fantasy if he manages to score and the boys keep a clean sheet. Whether this will happen remains unclear, but he could be a great addition to your team – one to watch.

2. Ollie Rose

As captain of the Wanderers this year, Ollie has promoted himself to O1 runner. A goal scoring half back is surely a brilliant asset in a fantasy team and he could be picking u a lot of points – get him in your team!

3. Julian Wreford

Julian puts in the leg work defensively. He could be crucial in keeping clean sheets and could be a big points earner. Julian performed very poorly in fantasy this weekend (finishing on -4 points overall – last place) and will be hoping to rectify this, not least with a good performance himself this weekend. Very strong defensive choice and always a strong contender for MoM.

4. Jason Allen

Dangerous chopper on and off the pitch. How he didn’t pick up a card at the weekend still alludes me and he is always liable for a DoD nomination. This being said, Jallen often makes the long journey up the field for short corners and has shown the ability to bin some flicks, potentially picking up some big fantasy points – proceed with caution.

5. Paddy Leong-Song

Paddy is relatively inexperienced in the ways of the Wanderer but again has showed himself to be a serious threat when advancing up the wing. He is confident on the ball and loves running deflection short corner routines; Paddy is a serious contender for a fantasy team place and is likely to score a few goals over the season.


1. Toby Fairhurst

The youngest of all the new Wanderers, Toby Junior will be hoping to prove himself by keeping the teamsheets as clean as possible. Pulling out some impressive saves at the weekend, Brooks II is certainly a strong contender for your fantasy keeper.

MoM: Lewis Collins, DoD: Ethan, Scorers: Leng, Chandler

Squandies vs. Leadenham (W 4-2)

The 20+1stof September

A novella

Chapter 1: The Bad beginning

An anon tall squanderer woke on the morning of 20+1stof September just in time to catch the all-important shipping forecast. Having carefully considered the stash recommendations, he pulled on all the stash he owned and headed downstairs for some breakfast. After a healthy 5 Weetabix (in case any of you want to know the secret of success), the time came to head to the Wilbefortress and meet the rest of the team. 

It was here that the Squanderers encountered the first snag in what was to be ‘The Bad Beginning’. The pavilion was locked, and with it all the items the team needed… ballons, facemasks, first aid kit, keeping kit (not strictly necessary given that they had no keeper). On the upside, there were 15 Squanderers gathered eager to play some hockey, so the tall squanderer decided that whilst they waited for the portcullis in the Wilbefortress to be raised it would be a good idea to try and find a volunteer to have round pieces of hard plastic nailed at them that afternoon. Strangely enough there were few (that is to say no) volunteers. A change of tactics was required. The tall squanderer turned to the honourable(?) social sec of the team, Frallen, and asked in a jokey tone whether he fancied it, and reminded him, after all, that he did FLTS and that as he had not backed himself in his own fantasy team he really had very little to lose. Frallen said he would consider it. 

The wait to get kit proved shorter than expected, and it was not long until the Squanderers were climbing into the three cars that were to convey them to Leadenham. Two of these had set off when disaster struck. An anon engineer sqaundie proved himself totally unsuited to his degree by failing to start his car. Apparently you have to turn the key? Realising that hockey is game which is harder to play with ten players than eleven, the tall squanderer made a hasty u-turn to pick up some of those left behind. It turned out this u-turn was a little too hasty and he ended up backing the Squandie-mobile into a parked car. He won’t bore you with the details… but we’ll just say it hadn’t been his finest morning. He would like to take this opportunity to apologise to the six other Squanderers who not only had to endure the constant noise, vibration and general discomfort of travelling in the Squandie-mobile but also had to listen to his expletive-laden rant to himself about being an ‘idiot’. A fair comment, but it must have got quite wearing. Oh also, he did leave a note with his contact details on the other car, in case any of you were worried.

After all the drama of the morning, the journey actually went relatively smoothly. No one got lost, no one crashed into anything else and everyone made it to the pitch for a rather express warm-up. The tall squanderer had decided not to wait for Frallen’s answer about going in goal, and instead told him to put his kit on (easier said than done, given that all 15 players had no concept of how to put keeper kit on) and get in the goal. During the warm-up box he didn’t do too badly. Well, to be honest the tall squanderer would rather have used a Wandie running deflections (any of them…he had watched their short corner practice) if he wanted to stop the ball going in the goal but Frallen looked intimidating enough.

Chapter 2: The Good Middle-bit

Despite ‘The Bad Beginning’, the hockey-playing part of the day went relatively well. After soaking up a bit of early pressure the Squanderers piled forwards and scored a deflection goal from open play…a rarity in Div 3NW. The tall squanderer was beginning to feel quietly confident. 

The Squanderers, however, are not called the Squanderers for nothing. Clearly wanting to make a match of it, they conceded a short corner which, after a bewildering right-slip left-slip right-slip combination, led to Leadenham levelling the scores. Things went from bad to worse when a loopy backstick shot sailed agonisingly past Frallen (doing his best impression of a starfish in goal) to make the score 2-1 at half time.

The team talk consisted of a lot of talk about ‘simple hockey’ and ‘patience in defence and attack’, which must have done the trick because soon after the break the Squandies won a short. From this, the ball was put relatively close to the goal where both the Leadenham post-man and anon Squandies fresher clearly forgot that they were playing hockey and tried to play football instead. Silly fresher. Anyway, the umpires decided (correctly) to award a penalty flick. Having a spoon of a stick qualifies you to take p-flicks in the Squandies and so it was that an anon athletic Squandie volunteered himself. His faith was not misplaced. 2-2.

After that two more goals followed in quick succession. The first notable for the fact that it was the earliest in the season that a Botty has ever been scored by the Squanderers. The second for the unusually dynamic passing that preceded it. 4-2 to the Squanderers was the score at full time. At match tea, they all felt pretty chipper with themselves. As the only team in CUHC to win, there was a general consensus that there might be a mass transfer of Squandies into fantasy teams to replace ‘Sides’ (-8?). They even all got home safely (ok… there was another car crash, but this time only one car and some traffic cones were affected… oh and they did initially leave someone behind, but that was soon corrected).

Chapter 3: The Failed Finale

It was then that it all started to go wrong…

You see, the tall squanderer and his faithful sidekick Frallen, being inexperienced in the art of Squocktail mixology and struggling with mental arithmetic, had bought rather too much of each of the ingredients. ‘Quantity is good’ is not the secret to success. And so it was that at 7:26pm the tall squanderer found himself mixing a not-very-sensible amount of a not-very-sensible cocktail which it transpired was to be drunk by a not-very-sensible number of Squanderers (6 no-shows? Poor form chaps).

The freshers (and for some reason the anon athletic Squandie who despite having made exactly the same mistake the previous year decided to dress up) did all look dapper in their black tie. Most of them even managed to make it on time. More than can be said for the honourable(?) social sec who was very late despite his own message to the chat reminding everyone to be on time. Fortunately for him, he was also in charge of bringing the vessels, so proceedings could not begin until his arrival. The Squanderers are not a mean bunch, and so it was decided that the evening would begin with some warm-up games of simple 20+1. The tall squanderer got a bit worried when even this proved too much for some. How on earth were they going to make it all the way through to ‘black white black’? Eventually, however, the freshers began to understand (with the help of a lot of coaching) and some new rules were introduced. It was at this point that an anon fresher decided to make an appearance (27 minutes late…dangerous). Not knowing any of the rules, normal or additional, and particularly confused as to why he appeared to be called ‘Ibble dibble number Adam Shafiq’, he really struggled. Mind you they all did. 

By 9pm the details were all beginning to get a bit blurry. According to the schedule, that was time to be heading to Hawks to rendez-vous with the rest of CUHC. The Squanderers did foray to Portugal Place only to find it suspiciously quiet. Rumours then began circling that John’s bar was the place to be, but apparently none of them were in a fit state to be allowed entry. Probably justified. Stymied, they decided to retreat and drink lots of water in the hope that they might once more become respectable, or at least that was the plan. For some inexplicable reason the honourable(????????) social sec decided that actually what was required were some beers, a decision which proves just how wrong things went. At some point the news came in that Jesus lane was where they were meant to be, only to get there and be told to ‘get out we’re cleaning’ and ‘go to Spoons’. Go to Spoons they did. Unfortunately, the memo about getting intoSpoons didn’t reach many of the team. Numbers are hard to work out, but a reliable source in the Wandies tells me that maybe as few as two graced the Regal with their custom. Personally, I think a few more may have made the grade, but not many.

The others, left bereft of purpose outside of Spoons, patronised various other institutions in Cambridge: the Van of Life, the Van of Death, Gardies and Maccies were all visited. At time of writing, it appears that they have a full roll call, although if anyone sees a wallet, a pair of shoes or a white t-shirt literally anywhere in Cambridge assistance would be greatly appreciated.

As always,


Wblues vs. Magpies (L 4-2)

With the CUHC Fantasy league getting underway this weekend the pressure was on for the Wblues as they headed to Harleston. Bethan and I personally had included lots of Wblues in our team, an added incentive to perform well. Things didn’t get off to quite the start we had intended as we went 1nil down quite quickly into the game from a classic big hitter from the back smashing one through to a very fortunately placed forward. However, we were threatening and improving in our new press and managed to win a few corners. We gathered at the top of the D to discuss our plan of action, decided upon a ball fired in from myself looking for a deflection. However, knowing that I had been included in many a fantasy team and that I was guaranteed a unaniDOD ( a hefty minus 5 points) I felt I should redeem myself and snakily slotted it inside post instead. HT : 1-1 We started the 2nd half well but again went 1nil down, we quickly responded again winning another corner. This is where the fantasy league points started to get a bit out of hand. Decided upon a classic MONTY corner, a cert to score. Executed perfectly with an accurate slap from Ella at the top to a perfectly placed Monty, only for a sneaky tap in from Rachel! A big 5 points for a defender scoring. Had Monty on our fantasy team though so watched the points disappear with this tap in from Rachel. We had portions of good passing play in the second half but unfortunately they scored another 2. At least no minus points for a loss!

MoM: Rachel, Ella*, Bethan, DoD: Amy, Scorers: Rachel, Amy

*Selected by Random number generator for Fantasy Hockey.

Nomads vs. St Neot’s (L 4-2)

Nomads vs. St Neot’s (L 4-2), Scorer: Lara G. x2, MoM: ?, DoD: Georgie

Sadly, the Nomad’s weren’t very nice and so made Georgie DoD again. I don’t think it’s fair to expect a match report for both. Hence I wrote one on my experiences this week, because we want freshers to write good match reports. Hence I wrote a bad one so they know how low the bar is:

Saturday 20+1st September

A short time after 12:30 pm, we played a game of hockey against a team from Blueharts. I started off the game very annoyed because we started late. Given that I live by the motto “if you’re £7.50 early then you’re late”, starting £4.00 late really got my blood boiling. Vice-Captain Ethan Francis has already talked about this game, and so I don’t wish to repeat what he has said, because that would be boring, and match reports should not be boring, since if they were boring, then no one would read them or write them.

After the game, we showered in Men’s Changing room 3, ate some chilli and played a game of naming as many strange things in the same category as you can. in an unreasonable amount of time, in order to decide how much each of us should pay. After two or three rounds, I got bored but ironically was ordered to pay 15 minutes to the Wandies fines account. Sadly, Tim VK put his own details up first. I nearly fell for this because I am basically a fresher.

We then went to watch the Nomads play with some balls. After one lager, I felt very much empowered and was offering coaching advice to pretty much all twenty-two players on the pitch as well as one of the umpires. When one of the umpires suddenly got the urge to spend a penny, the game was delayed for around 500 pennies. Lewis and I began to fill up the Nomads water bottles, because it was hot and so they were very thirsty. Once we had replenished their water bottles with water from the fountain located between pitch 2 and pitch 3, we carried them over. Captain Kirsten Meehan asked Lewis and I to stay. Lewis coached the defence, while I took care of the midfield and forward lines. 

Suddenly the Nomads started to play hockey, whilst defender Lewis and I proceeded to continually shout at people. We got very excited because they scored two goals and their opponents only scored one. We then got accused of looking too much like the Nomads. We didn’t know whether this was a good thing or a bad thing. On one side, the nomads are a good looking bunch, but on the other hand, we are fully developed males and were wearing chinos, shirt and a tie. We, therefore, put on some different coloured tops, but Lewis had to put on a puffer jacket and started to get quite warm. As I mentioned earlier, it was a warm day so whoever brought the puffer jacket had made a bad choice of clothing for Lewis.

At the end of the game, we had a nice chat with the other coach, who claimed that the unprecedented toilet break changed the game. We felt this was harsh on the Nomads, and on us. But we had just lost the game, and so although I had two legs to stand on, we didn’t have much to offer back. 

Given that I had just spent 7 hrs at Wilby, arriving before the Bedouin to watch a game of rugby in Japan, I decided to spend another hour in the clubhouse. I had a lovely chat to umpire Rob and some other umpires. As a fellow umpire, I felt part of the squad and we had a good laugh about the rules and other niche facts that if you aren’t an umpire you wouldn’t find funny nor would you understand. Once my chat soon dried up and had received some quality umpiring gossip, I cycled (yes, not walked) home before heading straight out to go to Wanderer’s Cocktails.

On the way, captain Ollie Rose realised he didn’t have enough cups, so defender Jason Jallen Allen and I went to Sainsbury’s, 42-45 Sidney Street, Cambridge to buy some plastic cups. We felt bad because the plastic wrapping the disposable cups is bad for the environment. But the disposable cups were also made of plastic, and so we decided it was ok, because two negatives make a positive.

We then turned left to go to Captain’s Ollie Rose’s house. We struggled to find it because Ollie had put the wrong address, and it was a terraced street so there were a lot of houses. Thankfully, goal scorer Joe Chandler came to get us and showed us to the back garden which had a broken trampoline. 

Here we made some toasts; we had no bread so we made those ones where you celebrate something with alcohol. Unfortunately, we didn’t have a table, so it was difficult to do it properly. I had a poor choice of words, which probably makes me a DoD candidate for this week. But after that, my night did blossom.

Captain Ollie Rose decided to make a cheap version of Pimms. It was quite nice, but there was a lot of Gin in it which made it quite difficult to consume at times. Nevertheless, the gentlemen of the Wanderers continued to drink it. At this point, I had to eat a cucumber, because captain Ollie Rose told me it was a five-minute-finish, but I told Vice-captain Ethan it was a finish. Hence I sat there for a depressing £12.50 eating a Sainsbury’s 42-45 Sidney street, Cambridge, cucumber. It was surprising how much water there is in cucumber, and after this, I felt even more fresh.

We then decided to march at a semi-fast pace to Hawk’s. Jason Allen Jallen went downstairs with me, but there were loads of female Rugby players. They looked at us very strangely, and we got very scared because we can’t speak to girls. So we ran straight to the toilets to relinquish ourselves and work out our exit strategy.

Once we escaped we found DJ, who was very nice and told us to go elsewhere. We then went to John’s Bar where we successfully tried to not let down Lewis Collins who is a credit to the College of St John the Evangelist in the University of Cambridge. I had a nice time here, with a quiet lager beer.

We then went to spoons which followed the standard script of a dangerspoons night in that we all drank some drinks that we didn’t really need, cut some shapes and then went home with or without company.

Sunday 22nd September

I was excited at the prospect of my first journey to Macclesfield for the academic year. But this did not materialise and so I was forced to do some work.  After reading a few academic papers, I went back to bed. The highlight of my day was my fish finger butty and a cuppa tea which I had for lunch. They were really good and I ate them whilst watching some fresh prince of bel air on Netflix because I want to be funny and I think Will Smith is mildly humorous.

Monday 23rd September

Sadly lots of hockey got cancelled this week because everyone is quite tired. Hence I didn’t play as much hockey as I would have liked, but my body was quite happy just to sit down. Instead, we just had two hockey sessions today, one on Tuesday and a rest on Wednesday. But I’m getting ahead of myself now, and need to get back to the exciting events of Monday.

We got to training early, because I was hungry to find out who had done what, with who, where, why and how? It turns out some things had happened, but I wasn’t particularly surprised by them because a) I had seen them happen, or b) people were just being boring by doing the fun things that they always do.

Slightly dismayed, we played some hockey. 5-time Varsity man of the match and Wandies Coach Kieran Gilmore decided to do a drill where we passed off the wrong foot. Sadly, the drill didn’t work because everyone knew you were going to pass off the wrong foot and so the silly freshers just stood in the way. We then had to do some more minutes on the line and this hollow hold thing. I assume Kieran does this hold a lot more than me, because he has a rig and I have a torso. I couldn’t do it for long (<120 seconds), but I lasted longer than Allen Jallen Jason who decided to go and roll because he was injured. For those of you who don’t know, he claims to get injured a lot, but I think he just liked playing in foam pits when he was the same height ten years ago.

Tuesday 24th October

Feeling quite tired from Monday, we trained again on Tuesday. Whilst JP Parke was chest flicking at one end of the pitch, the Wanderers and Squanderers ran around more but used less chest. Captain Ollie Rose decided to do more minutes on the line, but we decided that running for 28 seconds once was more tiring (and so better for us) than running for 30 seconds twice, and so we did that instead. Notable performances included fresher Sam Pritchard really enjoyed running his elbow into people’s heads.

Wednesday 25th October

After struggling to get out of bed, I decided to spend my day interacting with OBUHC on twitter. They liked a lot of my tweets and I liked a few of their’s and then they decided to follow us. If you’re reading this now, thank you, you made me very happy. The people at Brookes Career Service were also very nice, but I don’t know why they were that interested in my tweets.

Whilst I tweeted about hockey, we decided to offer some advice to Brookes, which as expected, was not acted upon. We knew it was going to be an interesting game when their captain said “It never rains in Cambridge” whilst it was raining a lot. It did then stop, so had he waited £5, he would have sounded much more intelligent. Their keeper was very vocal and seemed to be calling the press, and had kindly put his name on the back of his shirt. Whilst one direction and a pony tail played up top for us, Brookes scored two goals to our one. I would say that Sido’s penalty flick was a good flick, but he did put it middle, centre right and this is not a recommended scoring zone. 

The Men, therefore, sadly lost two goals to one goal which was disappointing. They played well and managed to win nine short corners, none of which were awarded inside the striker zone. My conclusion here is that everyone on the opposite side of Milton Keynes saves up there chopping for on the hockey pitch.

After a short stretching session, we went to watch the Ladies play Brooks. I continued to tweet when we did good things. The game was mostly played in midfield, with few chances for both teams. Unfortunately, Toby hadn’t put names on the back of his team’s shirts, but because we are quite strange, we thankfully knew all the squad numbers from England’s 2006 World Cup Squad and so named them appropriately. John Terry scored a fine goal, which won the game. John was surprisingly fast and caused our defence a lot of problems. Super Franky Lampard also had a good game, it was almost like there were two of them on the pitch.

On our side, there were some excellent performances. Shears was playing a blinder and had Paul Robinson (who was feeling a bit like Manuel Neuer) in her pocket all game. Dadge put in a serious hustle and caused Ashley Cole quite a few problems, whilst Izzy Montgomery looked absolutely class in midfield, making Joe Cole look like a West-Ham reject.

In the evening, we all went to Trinity JCR, where Welfare office Izzy Austin let us all watch a film on a very large Samsung LCD Smart TV. The room was very big, but also had a lot of people in it, so it was quite cosy and warm. Thankfully, Lewis was not wearing a puffer jacket. We all watched “When Harry met Sally”, which was nice and wholesome. People laughed at the funny bits and stayed quiet in the other bits. Former Wandies Captain Harry Leng provided a running commentary from the back which meant we had to put the subtitles on. When the film ended, we went on this website and watched ourselves playing hockey. Because I have too much time on my hand, I also knew about funny videos made by old-CUHC people, and it was reassuring to find that other people found them funny, because it means I am less strange than I thought I once was.

Bedouin vs. Cam City 4s (D 1-1)

The start of the new season not only brought a new league for the Beds (having benefitted from the restructuring of the leagues), but also saw the introduction of the CUHC fantasy league, giving all of the Beds extra motivation to go out and get a win. Having record a 1-0 over the same team just 4days previously, confidence was high amongst the team. Despite only having 12 players, everyone worked extremely hard and played well with only a last minute short corner goal denying us a win. 

Here’s how the Beds players did in the fantasy league this week (although the points are a bit skewed due to some players also playing in the Nomads’ 3-2 loss):

The top performers:

Leanne Tyme = +9 

Leanne enjoyed an incredible league debut for CUHC, making some fantastic saves which lead to her being picked as MOM.

Sarah Alsaad = +7 

Sarah backed up being picked in 84% of fantasy teams by scoring the Bed’s only goal of the match.

Everyone else:

Annabel Follows = +5

Lydia Michaelides = +4

Jess Harding = +4

Rachel Smith = +4

Isolde Pryle = +3

Devi Sietaram = +3

Charlotte Trotter = +3

Emily Bailey = +3

Kirsten Meehan = +1

Georgie McKenna = -6 (due to receiving DOD from both Beds and Nomads)