So long, fair well, aufwiedersehen, good bye…

As another academic year comes to an abrupt end, CUHC says goodbye to some absolute titans this year. Given that at the moment, I have very little of purpose to do with my life, I decided to look back through our archives and give our BNOCs a send-off.

Batty Hevan

The outgoing Batty Hevan has petrified defences with her drag flicking and stood like a rock at the back. Although she’s had a troubling time against the dark blues, she will be remembered as a true CUHC titan that everyone will dearly miss.
Batty has decided to leave Cambridge, and emigrate to the land of opportunity. Here I’m told she’s going to the home of the questionable shade of blue devils. When she’s not trying to beat the tar heels, I understand she’s going to be studying business with the intention of opening up her own curry house, “Balti Heaven”. I believe this comes from her love for Curry King, as detailed here.
Whilst we’ve all loved having her around (and she does really love CUHC…), I think her biggest achievement has been learning to smile.

Hasn’t she done well

Our Darling

Another Wblue and former blues captain moves onwards and downwards (CUHC is just top notch). Hatty has been the other rock at the back, but also offered a lot more, e.g. “barely coaching the beds”. To be brutally honest, I didn’t have much on Hatty, apart from possibly the greatest bit of chat in CUHC history.

I might as well just give up

We all love our Darjeeling, and I’m sure in the wider non-CUHC world she’ll be everyone’s cuppa tea.

Corry, Briscoe & Marsh

Unlike at the king of curries, Luce wilby getting her deposit back for sure. She’s rinsed players in East Leagues and BUCS so many times that she nearly put L’Oreal out of business.
Much like a Cadbury’s Freddo (which now cost a whopping 25p, rising 4.36% per year since its release), Freddie’s value to CUHC has only ever increased. She really is a keeper, but please note she much prefers biscuits to chocolate. She’s always been able to engineer wonder saves, and the subsequent association has often been the cause of many cases of mistaken identity (silly commentators).
And thou shalt not forget Clare, an apparently very sassy fresher who then became the purveyor of albeit late but finely tailored stash (well, there was #nopocketgate).
Crikey, it looks like Bamy has a rebuilding job on their hands.

Ferg & TJ

Ferg McCloob and TJ have headlined the blues for the last three years during their CUHChds.
Learning from your mistakes is important. Sadly, it can sometimes take a while to recognise one, which for these two blokes surmounted to three years.
When they decided to lighten up, both began to flourish. Ferg was a quick learner and managed to develop enough chat in order to be able to manage the internet. An amazing achievement, considering when he left the other place, he, as you would expect, had nothing to offer (e.g. them varsity commentators).
TJ has also contributed greatly to the club, having served in lesser roles such as Blues Captain and coaching roles. However, his place in CUHC history wilby ultimately defined by his last varsity performance, and maybe that rather handy goal he scored with a few minutes left.

Cockers & Minty

I honestly have no chat to offer that is worthy of Cockers. He’s always been KILLIN’ IT. I’ve been told he nearly got a job replacing Michael Vaughan and Shane Warne at the Belgravia Centre, but they worried it’d be a lot of work and they feared accusations of false advertising.

Monty fynnished his Cambridge experience with a sterling year in the Blues. However, when speaking to him, his finest achievement was apparently coaching the Squanderers. And so it should be. Whilst everyone has loved having Monty around, it ends a confusing period for CUHC. Two Monty’s in the blues this year has had me flummoxed; I’m never sure who we’re gossiping about…


The Wandies lose fewer players this year, but the player they do lose is a large one. After a year in Russia, rumour has it he was heard singing on the plane “Please just take me home, I really just want to go to work”:

Harper at Work. Photography by Sid Neelson

The Nomads

With the departure of Sophie & Georgia, our freshers will now be able to sleep at night (see 2018 BDotY pics). On hearing the news, the bloke at the kebab shop downloaded Tinder and reduced his weekly order of chicken nuggets.

Joking aside, both have been exemplary Nomads (always in cindies, plenty of photo editing, playing a bit of hockey…) and have been core members of the team both on and off the pitch. When speaking about the loss, Krystal said “The nomads won’t be the same without them, and in recent strategy meetings for next season, we’ve been asking how the nomads can avoid Czinking to the bottom of the table.”

Squanderers: Wilde, Brignal, Mr Bird etc.

The Wildebeast has been helping out forward lines around the East leagues for the last four years, gaining nearly as many assists as he did ‘injuries’ to his hamstring. Nicola’s younger brother (for some reason he hates this, so I thought I’d get it in one more time), will also be a great loss off the pitch. His inability to chop means he’s always been the squanderer’s number one, with many great squanderers taking places no. 2 and 3 in his time. Along with many others, Mr Wilde will go down as one of the great perennial squanderers.

Shrignal will be remembered for many things, but mostly for his net goal tally of zero. This doesn’t mean he hasn’t put the ball in the net, but it does suggest he struggles with a sense of direction. But have no fear, Barry Chuckle will soon have a concierge to sort these problems for him. This should hopefully allow him to also focus on caring for his Bonsai tree and his fondness of pickled vegetables.

Mr Bird, I’ve actually forgotten his first name, found his calling card as Squandies social sec. His awful ‘dutty’ tunes, negative chat and inability to mix drinks made him perfect for the role. He has been the perfect squanderer, and many have thoroughly enjoyed serving alongside him. Bird leaves Cambridge having battled through a tough degree, and is looking forward to being able to visit Ballare for the first time in Grad week. For Bird, the sky is the limit, but given he has no calves, I don’t think he’ll be able to jump high enough to reach his potential.

Holden, I’ve forgotten a squanderer. There’s this other Guy that transferred from DUHC. When he wasn’t playing with his latest Lego set, he’s been storming up and down the Sides line for the Squandies. To be honest, it’s a great shame he’s only been here for a year, we’d have really loved to have him around for longer. The same can be said for the son of Ayad; a one year wonder, but frankly I couldn’t have coped with any more of his wonderfully strange chat.

The Beds

El Capitan had a tough act to follow, but she certainly delivered. The Beds have been loving life both on and off the pitch. Their new Instagram (or ‘insta’, which is apparently what cool people call it) has been used as an educational tool by other teams in how to have fun, while El’s interpersonal skills have kept a happy camp which kept on beduwinning. The beds will remember the 2018/19 season fondly, and that’s something for El to be proud of. I apologise that this goodbye has no twist, but I had nothing… I’d like to think I’m good but not that good.

The beds also say cheerio to Holly and Fred. Holly seems to have quite remarkably kept a low profile over the years. From this, I can only conclude she’s probably just quite sensible. Fred, on the other hand, has spent most of the year telling all her other friends in Dutch that the English are weird. Fake news.


One time tinder rep and probably the ‘best’ bloke in CUHC & CUAC history, Seeahhron has ‘enlightened’ freshers throughout his time here. Having flahertied with playing in the Wandies and Squandies, he has the accolade of being the first Blundies captain to lose. He eats this on his sleeve with great pride (“In this life you have two choices: eat it or wear it”-Anon. losing blundies captain).

Of course he’s wearing the padded vest … sorry “Gilet”

The Final word

Amongst those above, CUHC will say goodbye to others. I love them all equally, but I decided that I needed a nap, and so had to keep it relatively short. This may week lark is quite tiring.

On behalf of CUHC, thank you for your service. You’ve all been great assets to the club, and wilby sorely missed. You leave some big shoes to fill, but I’m told DJ has a lot of Toma.

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