Match Reports 2019/20

Submitted Match reports can be found below:

20+1/9/19 vs. Magpies (L 4-2)

With the CUHC Fantasy league getting underway this weekend the pressure was on for the Wblues as they headed to Harleston. Bethan and I personally had included lots of Wblues in our team, an added incentive to perform well. Things didn’t get off to quite the start we had intended as we went 1nil down quite quickly into the game from a classic big hitter from the back smashing one through to a very fortunately placed forward. However, we were threatening and improving in our new press and managed to win a few corners. We gathered at the top of the D to discuss our plan of action, decided upon a ball fired in from myself looking for a deflection. However, knowing that I had been included in many a fantasy team and that I was guaranteed a unaniDOD ( a hefty minus 5 points) I felt I should redeem myself and snakily slotted it inside post instead. HT : 1-1 We started the 2nd half well but again went 1nil down, we quickly responded again winning another corner. This is where the fantasy league points started to get a bit out of hand. Decided upon a classic MONTY corner, a cert to score. Executed perfectly with an accurate slap from Ella at the top to a perfectly placed Monty, only for a sneaky tap in from Rachel! A big 5 points for a defender scoring. Had Monty on our fantasy team though so watched the points disappear with this tap in from Rachel. We had portions of good passing play in the second half but unfortunately they scored another 2. At least no minus points for a loss!

28/9/19 vs. Maidstone (D 1-1)

The Wblues tried a new method of match prep this week taking hockey preseason seriously and limiting extracurricular fun. With no nights out on the cards instead we filled our time with nice things like strength and conditioning and welfare films and playing hockey. We decided that we should probably do a lot of training and even an extra match to get our fitness up as we weren’t going to benefit from any late night boogieing. The Brooke’s match went pretty well and there was a good crowd, we lost one nil but it felt like a win so only Sean was disappointed. By Friday our motivation was waining and a team dinner turned into the perfect place to reminisce about what it was like in the good old days when we went out. At least Faith’s scary story about waking up with a lack of eyesight after a big night reminded us that our healthy lifestyle tactic was probably a sensible idea and that it would be worth it in the end if we could all still see because it’s quite handy when you want to play hockey. Our new lifestyle seemed to prove itself at first on Saturday when we fooled the other team with a pretend straight strike which was actually a sheario and we started to win. But actually it turned out that our good prep was all a very silly decision really because we all started to feel tired quite soon and the other team didn’t take pity and scored instead so we only won half a match. I guess we should have followed in the footsteps of Daz Caz on his dirty weekend instead of trying to do it properly and getting it wrong

MoM: Mog Lomas

05/10/19 vs. Dereham (L 3-1)

MoM: Mollie Ring, DoD: Amy Edwards

No Match Report Submitted 🙁

12/10/19 vs. Upminster (W 2-1)

MoM: Lizzie Jack, DoD: Mollie Ring

No Match Report Submitted 🙁

19/10/19 vs. CoP 1s (L 1-0)

MoM: Ella Hordern, DoD: Alicia Murphy

No Match Report Submitted 🙁

26/10/19 vs. Norwich City (L 2-1)

Match Report to be submitted soon…

02/11/19 vs. Wapping 1s (L 3-0)

Saturday was a bit of a disheartening day because (i) we lost a rugby match; (ii) we lost a hockey match; and (iii) I lost a competition where the winner would have not been DOD. 

I began to get a bad feeling that the day wasn’t going to go my way when Kyle Sinkler went down at 09:03 in a manner which bore striking similarity to Peter Andy Argyle’s K.O. in the Blues Varsity Match of 2016. Health and safety have come on since the days of Pierre Akyol, and unfortunately Sinkler was not able to be patched up by a Dr Richardo Hesketh and return to the field, causing some upset at the scrum.  Despite such a bad start, a poorly connected Skybox and unfortunate lighting from the wilby skylights, I tucked into my Nutella and peanut butter sandwich and kept a positive mindset.

As the match swung away from us, I turned to the wise head of Tom Jones Jackson who passed on the surprising information that when he used to play rugby at age under-12 he really didn’t like tackling others or being tackled by others. Alas, it seems South Africa adopt the opposite mindset to U12 Tom and the game was lost. Feeling a bit sad, I gave myself a sugar boost by eating a toffee yum-yum provided by some nice Squanderers.

Luckily, my day received an uplift courtesy of the Nomads! They came from 0-1 behind to earn a dramatic late draw against Cambridge City 3s. This was especially pleasing because we had spent a lot of the week in training looking at scoring goals in congested spaces, and because Cambridge City 3s are coached by the figure of the General Baz; who is older and wiser than me, and knew all about our tactics due to his enigmatic presence within CUHC.

However, the high was not to last, and the day then took a second steep downwards turn as, during our game of hockey, the opposition scored three goals to our zero. This was made more disheartening because we played quite well for considerable parts of the match but could not match the clinical finishing of ex-CUHC Cucia Lorry’s team. This downwards momentum of my day was further exacerbated by a loss at teas in the DOD competition where both Pamy Pedwards and her papal procession and Bessica Bink and her czinking of a strangers pint finished ahead of me and my geography related enquiries.

But, as a favourite mantra of mine wisely states: ‘you win some, you lose some’. So as webmaster Owin Howton complimented (?) my ’90s-PE-teacher-chic’ post-match attire, I headed off to see some friends in London thinking about the wins which much surely be on the horizon. And in fact, I did start to feel immediately a bit better when I got there because Matthugh Cockerill had also had a disheartening day of losses with his new team the Wapping Men’s 3s. So Matt and I cheersed to a new week, where we will be looking to bounce back as effectively as Peter Akyol at Southgate ’16.

MOM Ella

09/11/19 vs. Bedford (W 2-1)

Hey, I forgot the speaker so gonna sing the match report…

*Dua Lipa – New Rules* (play this song when you read it – plz I wasted my life)

[Intro]

dod, dod, dod, dod, dod

[Verse 1]

Textin’ in her sleep at night, Bethan is not healthy

(she cannot drive, she cannot drive)

Was too sick to play hockey, hopin’ for a Wandie

(To drive us there, to drive us there)

[Refrain]

Ohhh nooooo, looks like we are one car seat short, 

One car seat short

Butttt Livvv Dadgeeee, takes one for the team and takes the X5, 

And takes the X5

[Pre-Chorus]

OneMolly scores a goal

You know she’s never missin’ cause she’s super skilled

TwoAmy scores this time

Yes we got another one

Three: They score this time

We know we’re gonna win this hockey match ver-

sus Bedford

Please don’t worry now, we ain’t lettin’ any more

[Chorus]

We got sick skillz, we gon’ win

We got sick skillz, we did win

We gotta go have a cool down

We got sick skillz, we did win

We gotta go have a shower

[Verse 2] 

First we eatin’ match teas, beans cheese and baked potatoessss

(Not spuds again, no way)

(Not spuds again, no)

Now we doin’ DOD and MOM, Jess Czink wins but I mess up now

(I never learn, I never learn)

[Refrain]

But I’m nottttt, the most stupid one, so I tell myself,

I tell myself

I do, I do, I do

[Pre-Chorus]

OneMurphy should be dod

You know she be wearin’ a towel on her head

Two: Why not Amy

She ran the car battery down

Three: ok that’s mean

We know that zipcar just suck and had to reset the key

So if you voted for me, yeah fair but more sauce needed

16/11/19 vs. East London (D 2-2)

With Mollie having now realised that IA Phys NatSci is wholy inconsiderate to those willing to fulfil their highly important hockey duties, I have stepped in to provide an unconventional match report or in simpler words, one that contains details about the hockey played.

The Wblues started the game strongly. It is obvious that S&C is paying dividends, although I could not find them on the FTSE100. With the exception of the accidental india and the equally accidental bottie at shorty time, the Wblues looked fully in control of what they were doing, making the top of the league look very average.

Sadly the Wblues couldn’t make the mode of this in the second half. Definitely a mean result from what I observed. I can only assume their second-half performance suffered from the absence of the human megaphones on the sidelines, who stopped scattering questionable chat and wanderered off to play their own match on the pitch to the southend of pitch 1.

07/12/19 vs. Harlestone Magpies (L 3-2)

Sports Personality of the Year Awards 2019 Script:

Gabby Logan: “And now we must turn our attention to the final award of the night, Do(Decade). This prize goes to the person who has produced the most outrageous behaviour in the final week of Cambridge University Hockey Club’s Saturday matches in 2010s. Niche, we know.

Clare Balding: Tonight’s award will be jointly presented CUHC’s WBlues Captain Amy Edwards and Squanderer’s Captain Tom Whitworth. Both have been instrumental in the recipient’s nomination and facilitated her development into a questionably fun third year.

Gary Lineker: Having fought of stiff competition from Mollie for oversleeping and Bethan for peeing in the street post Cindies (REPEAT OFFENCE), tonight’s winner will have upset the bookies, as she has only won the normal Dod award once previously in her CUHC career (for her love of the Squandies). But after a wild Christmas Dinner in Cindies and major Friday Night PMB, please put your hands together for our winner…. #### ### 

[Do(Decade) receives the award to music inspired by the Christmas Dinner Speech of 2018 by ex-Squandies Captain Owain Houghton]: “We’re in love with the Women’s Blues, and we really hate Oxf*rd too”

Anon Do(Decade): I am honoured and surprised to have won this award. Third year has been the year of the Amy (anon WBlues vice captain), and so for me to win Do(Decade) in her place is somewhat of a shock. Yet we both share a love for a certain men’s third team, especially when a few VKs have been chopped. She has led the way in showing the WBlues how reciprocate the Squandies’ affection as mentioned in the 2018 speech to which I came up on stage. In fact Dr Love shows that while the Women’s Blues in general only have a 64% love for the squanderers (Figure 1), el captain and myself have taken this to a whole new level at 83% (Figure 2). She has also been the most frequent winner of the DoD award in the first half of the current season and I have been inspired to take up this honourable pursuit, bonus if it’s for loving the Squandies.

I would also like to thank the Squanderers Captain for his top selection of 3rd XI this year. On the pitch this excellent team have inspired other players in CUHC, remaining unbeaten in East Hockey Leagues in 2019 and only suffering defeat on what turned out to be WDOTY. Hopefully the WBlues will manage to replicate the Squandie blueprint in 2020 (with the exception of the Varsity loss).

They have been scoring plenty of times a match in the first half of the 2019/2020 season, 47 goals to be precise (if my maths is correct). I have managed 1 in my CUHC career, so only 46 to go to catch up this season alone. Not that my accuracy in front of goal in the 10am start will improve if my main match day aim has to be not to vomit on the pitch after attending Snowball til 4.30am (not that this affected an anon Squanderers captain’s efforts at 11.30am!)

As mentioned earlier, this is not the only success the Squandies have been having – indeed without the scoring of the Oldest Squandie post Christmas Dinner, I wouldn’t be here today.

***Do(Decade) does a Miranda side eye at the camera as she reminisces***: If only the event were still at Wilby and permitted the Squandies lap***

Anyway, I will make sure that this award goes on my desk to remind me of what is my greatest achievement to date. I hope not to continue this DoD form into 2020 and pass on the baton to other fun WBlues, while also aspiring to score like the Squandies. Goodnight everyone!

Figure 1: courtesy of lovecalculator.com, the WBlues and the Squandies love each other a 2.1 amount

Gary Lineker: Well that was the weirdest speech we’ve ever had for the weirdest award we’ve ever seen

Gabby Logan: DON’T LET HER ANYWHERE NEAR THE VKs!

Figure 2: courtesy of lovecalculator.com, El Captain and DoD love the Squandies a starred first amount….
11/01/20 vs. Maidstone (D 2-2)

11th January 2020

Women’s blues vs Maidstone

MoM: Mog

DoD: Bethan

1.     The match, 2-2 draw

Already keen to escape the Cambridge bubble, the WBlues decided to take a day trip to Kent and play a bit of hockey. The sports service nearly scuppered our transport plans but alas we persevered and Maid it. Maidstone quickly went 1-0 up from a short corner, but we answered politely with a routine of our own, ‘The Monty”, resulting in Monty equalising. With 14 minutes left of the second half we whipped out another corner routine – this time defender Rachel neatly slotted it in (huuuuge fantasy points just saying). Maidstone came back hard, and after defending approximately 600 corners, a swing and a miss from them, and some dubious tackles from their forwards, the WBlues conceded a goal to make it 2-2 with 2 minutes to go. Then the match ended, as matches normally do, and Mog was awarded well-deserved MoM. After yet another jacket potato match tea and some serious snakery by our dear captain, I was awarded Dod (despite another member of our team literally forgetting her own name whilst filling out a form).

2.     Findings from DoD actions

So to make the most of my unjust DoD appointment I thought I would share my discoveries.

The day started at what I was told would be a ‘cheese sesh’ (vegan heavan amirite?) at around 4pm. Turns out this was a lie and cheese was actually gin. After many a round of cambio, we continued our journey to a fine Wetherspoon establishment called ‘ The Edward Rayne’. I would say that the following combination of decisions led to a rapid decrease in decorum, but I’ll let you decide for yourselves (also nice procrastination if you’re still reading this). The cider of choice for the following five hours, called ‘Gwynt Y Ddraig – Black Dragon’, a decent 7.2%, combined with replacing dinner with a bowl of peas (only 55p in case you were wondering), alongside apple sourz not in the showers, all topped off with a replacement bus service as my way home, resulted in what you can only describe as A Mess™ (sorry James). 

Anyway, enough about me and more about my findings! It turns out my spoons drink of choice happened to have a high alcohol to price ratio, and this got my slightly inebriated brain thinking – what are the best ratios in the Regal?

(Excluding half pints, the top five are as follows)

  1. Gwynt Y Ddraig Black Dragon – Pint, 7.2% ABV, £3.25, 12.58 ml of alcohol for every £1
  2. Magners – Pint, 4.5% ABV, £2.19, 11.67 ml of alcohol for every £1
  3. Lagunitas IPA – 355ml, 6.2% ABV, £1.99, 11.06 ml of alcohol for every £1
  4. Sharp’s Doom Bar – Pint, 4.0% ABV, £2.15, 10.57 ml of alcohol for every £1
  5. Greene King Abbot Ale – Pint, 5.0% ABV, £2.69, 10.56 ml of alcohol for every £1

So for those who want a challenging tee off to next year’s pub golf, there you go, and for all the lightweights out there who just want to make a nice first impression when meeting your boyfriends’ home friends, these are the ones to go easy on xxx

18/01/20 vs. Dereham (D 1-1)

Match Report: wblues v dereham

A great day of food.

Bfast: (2/10) a sad bowl of porrdige. An away trek to derryham and the depths of the east leagues through forests and the biggest pig farm i’ve ever seen meant lots of time to nap but not enough time to have brunch at queenios before we left, cry.

Schnack: (5/10) following a half of hockey in which Bethan almost binned a dragflick, mollie saved my v v wide corner with a deflection into the goal and derryham also got a goal it was time for half time sweets. This week we were treated to wine gums- a classic. So I obviously found the red and purple ones. They were nice.

Match teas: (9/10) incredible. Ella had got our hopes up with rumours of a pasta bake and derryham did not disappoint, we were served homemade macaroni cheese and brownies. It was not a good day to be a vegan. Teas misses out on the 10/10 because, as Mollie noted, ‘the brownies tasted a bit like washing up liquid’.

Schnack: (10/10) a gem on the A14. Sheario stopped for fuel and we were faced with a full size Morrisons!!! We got the goods: popcorn (unfortunately not own brand which, as Mollie also noted, could make Morrsions some good money), strawberry laces, cola laces, lips and teeth and Morrisons finest cookies- they were only 80p so we couldn’t say no.

Dinner: (9/10) Another great meal, at Tandy p avec les wanderers. I made a great decision in avoiding the lime pickle, ordering a kashmiri curry which the palace had rightly described as ‘fairly hot’ (the perfect level), a peshwari naan and multicoloured rice. Would recommend the food, and the friends, to a friend.

Weekend preview of food:

  • Team formal at Jesus on Friday 
  • Time for brunch on Saturyay
  • Fizzy fangs and tanfastatics at half time (spoiler !!!)
  • Teas from the wilberfortress- hoping for pizza and not ANOTHER jacket potato
  • Potential for cake from Elaine?
  • Some dangerous drinks in the eve and a strong probability of a maccies